Mind (Over) Matters

While I was walking home from Price Chopper I realized...

2012-01-21T15:24:00.000-08:00

It was in relation to a quote about artists always trying to be timeless but what they should only be is "of their time".

George Strombo (too lazy to type whole name) and Aisha Tyler were talking about how they 'fell into' their careers, and how Aisha has been interested in Engineering and then took an intro to engineering class and realized that was not her intended path.

Got me thinking, I've been all over the map, and while I have also been interested in engineering, at this point it would be incredibly time and energy intensive for me to get back into math and hard science, whereas something like music, or even writing, come so naturally to me. I'm also interested in acting and comedy, but my comedy is almost entirely observational.

Then I had an epiphany.

Of course, I am an observational person. That is my core, my default. I'm curious, I ask questions, I seek to understand, to define. Musically I explore and when I actually write lyrics, they tend to be observations either of myself, or of what I experience around me. When I write blogs or various comments I make on facebook, or even conversational emails with people, I'm sharing observations.

Observation is basically what drives and fuels me. It is what I always do and can't not do. My recent documentary binge has been highly observational.

I remember being in a fishbowl. I'm glad I'm out, and have a more global perspective now.

That's all for now. More later.

When you feel like you practically exist in a different world

2011-07-11T03:41:00.001-07:00

I was just looking at a torrent of hit songs from 2000-2005, and it occurred to me that first off that was nearly 7 years ago, but it also reminded me of a time when "the world of music" was mostly something I encountered through the radio. Like I recognize most of the 150 songs in the torrent and can remember hearing them, liking them, knowing why I liked them and knowing why others did. I have not listened to the radio in... years, and I've gotten pretty much all my music lately from certain websites... but to me it's as if the radio doesn't exist anymore, and whatever the 'hits' are now, I am not familiar. I didn't recognize a lady gaga song recently until it got to the chorus, and if I went to a club I probably wouldn't know any of the songs.

This is not a bad thing, it just struck me as 'oh yeah, the times have changed'. I just feel like it's a bigger change than it really is.

Speaking of music

2011-07-08T20:13:00.000-07:00

Something has occurred to me now that I am learning to play piano (and have done a bit of writing on it).

Most people focus on "good songs" or talk about "great songwriters". It occurred to me that the current musical climate (and that of the last I'd say, 10-20 years as well) has been very focused on songs, short little memorable/catchy bits of music that people can listen to on the radio, at work, in the car...

How often do you ever hear of someone going to see an opera/symphony, a play, or a similar type experience? People will go to rock concerts, but they won't go to concertos.

It's not surprising giving that technology paves the way for convenience and now we are a society of impatient, instant-gratification seeking sloths.

I have gotten into many arguments with people over music, because I have always appreciated longer pieces of music with more thought and care put into the composition, the experience. Pop music has often bored (or even insulted) me, left me quite unfulfilled.

My own musical writing has been a cross between more traditional compositional style and more modern songwriting. I have been able to really stretch and explore when I wanted, but could also write a short, sweet little 3 minute rocker. After 10 years of being a musician, I feel more inclined to continue to explore and challenge myself, because sitting down to write "a song" just seems kind of pointless. I mean, if that's what comes out, then fine, but my mindset is that it should be easy for someone with as many ideas as I have, to write 5 minute pieces, minimum. Yes it's a arbitrary number and I obviously don't adhere to it rigidly, but it's a general goal. Alot can still be said in 3 minutes if you really try.

So I've decided not to call myself a songwriter anymore, but rather a composer. I have pieces that can back that up so why not. I *want* to be a composer, so I'll wear the shoe that fits.

Forcing yourself to do something you want to do

2011-07-03T09:01:00.000-07:00

So I think I have mentioned before that I finally committed myself to learning piano this summer. I started in May, had to take a break in June because I was too busy, but now I'm back at it.

I actually don't mind practicing scales on piano as much as I do on guitar, but the main thing I've been trying to do is learn real songs.

Yesterday I officially started learning the peanuts (charlie brown) theme. Judging by the MIDI file I had, it seemed like it shouldn't be too hard. Well, as I'm finding out, looks can be very deceiving.

After practicing it for probably 30 mins yesterday and probably another 45-60 today, I can mostly play it now. But I've basically learned the finger positions and memorized them, I'm still having a bit of trouble playing it to a metronome, especially at faster speeds (I can play it with metronome up to about 140bpm, the song is actually at 168), but if I just play it by feel, I can play it at full speed. It's really the counting that trips me up.

What I don't want to happen is to just develop muscle memory for all the songs I learn, because that's not really learning to play properly. So like my friend Dan and his weight loss tactics, I have to stick with the practicing and keep challenging myself. It IS getting easier, and each time I learn something new, it keeps me enthused. I have my next lesson tomorrow and I'm going to see what kind of extra homework I can get to push myself. I will be ..........................

Ok, it's 5 days later, I don't know HOW I started typing this blog post and then forgot about it mid-sentence for a whole week.

Actually, I'm going to append this post, because what I came to write about relates. So it's now Friday, the original post was composed on Sunday. I have been playing/practicing piano for most of the week that I've been home. Infact dare I say neglecting other things in favour of it? I seem to often be most enthused about playing first thing in the mornings and sometimes right after work (if not during). Last night I started learning a song which I didn't already have a tab for, which meant I had to figure it out 100% by ear, which took me almost 2 hours (and I'm not 100% sure it's all right but close enough). The shame of it was once I had figured out all the different parts (piano, strings, guitar, bass, drums), I was disappointed because by themselves they are all pretty simple and uninteresting. I find this trend in pop music often, many tracks are layered to give a very epic/rich sound, but when you break it down to it's various components, it's easy enough that a child could play it. I can understand that that would potentially lead to more sales as not just adults can enjoy the music, but I would think if the person who wrote it had to perform it on a regular basis (or for hired gun musicians) it would be boring and uninspiring. But I always have to remember not every musician wants to play something interesting/challenging. Some musicians make great money writing simple, catchy songs. I'm definitely more of a composer, which is less lucrative but at least in my case, more rewarding.

So I realized that for my piano lessons going forward I have to test out stuff on my own before I go into a lesson saying "I want to learn x song" because I could be disappointed and feel like I wasted my practice time.

Unfortunately tonight, I had planned to practice, to finish tabbing that song, but I'm just not feeling it. I was hot when I got home, and had a cold shower because I was just feeling completely blah and hoped that cooling down would help, and it did briefly, but then I went to learn another song and again was disappointed that it did not turn out to be as interesting as I thought. I tried to practice some scales (I've set a goal for myself to practice every day even if just for 20 mins) but I quickly lost interest. Then I got kinda hot again and am feeling blah again. I just don't really feel like I want to do anything, but I'm craving some kind of stimulation. I feel like video games are what I'm craving but most of mine are packed up and I don't want to dig them out.

I think I'm going to go practice again to meet my goal... maybe tomorrow I'll feel more up to it. My problem is that because my interest can easily peak and wane, I could easily go the rest of the weekend without wanting to play. I hope not. I am trying to practice as much as I can before sept because once I'm back in school I will need to give that the appropriate time and attention that it deserves.

For future reference

2011-07-02T18:07:00.001-07:00

I had a dream I went to prison recently. I don't know what for, and I don't even really remember the dream anymore (it was days ago), but I felt like documenting it here for no real reason.

Food for thought

2011-07-01T14:00:00.001-07:00

I didn't write these, but they're quite interesting:

1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity, by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity.

2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.

3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.

5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work, because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation.

A bit of a departure

2011-07-01T10:37:00.000-07:00

Man, I am totally getting 'soft' in my 'old age'.

For the longest time, anything 'melodic', or 'indie' just didn't jive with me. I was dying for some distortion, some downtuned powerchords, at least some vocal oomphf.

Now I am finding more and more bands who fall under the indie or folk/pop rock category who I not only don't mind, but actually REALLY like.

Last year I discovered Hellsongs, a swedish trio that covers heavy metal songs as folk/pop tunes (and in many cases I like their covers more than the originals).

Now? I've discovered Pomplamoose. They sound pretty much exactly as you'd expect them to with a name like that. And while their hipster image still kinda bugs me, dammit I can't stay mad because their music is just super.

I am actually less interested in metal these days (basically sticking to what I already know, and only occasionally getting into something new), and have been enjoying alot more of this mellow stuff.

Makes me wonder though, if metal heads soften up like this, what happens to people who start with this stuff? I don't know too many people who start listening to heavier stuff as they get older, and I can't imagine the hipsters are going to ditch their quirky pop-folk for some hard edged alt rock...

I guess they will just keep listening to all the indie/hipster music, and admittedly, I think there's probably a much larger ratio of "good" indie/folk rock up and comers than there are good metal up and comers. Hell, just went through my music library today to seek out some music to take to work and I have ALOT of stuff in here that's average at best. I don't like alot of the indie music I hear, but that's more because I am not overly fond of that style than the bands not being good.

So go check out Hellsongs and Pomplamoose. You won't be disappointed.

Sleep Part III - chronicles of an energy drink

2011-07-01T08:29:00.000-07:00

June 27
well, as I suspected my sleep was not great last night, and this morning, barely an hour into work, I was just hurting bigtime trying to focus. I know there was no way I was going to get through another 6 hours at this rate. So I broke down and bought a redbull from the nearby food court, and drank a little less than half, and it amazes me the difference I feel. Normally in order for me to feel 'alert' and perky, I need to have something to focus on, or a problem to solve, something to get (and keep) the neurons firing. When I can't do that, regardless of how many hours sleep I got or what time of day it is, I get tired. I've been napping alot lately I think largely because I have no been able to keep myself usfficiently stimulated. I have noticed that sometimes I can stay awake far longer than normal, simply by keeping myself doing things that get the mental juices flowing. An energy drink is kind of like throwing gas into a mostly spent bed of embers in a firepit (in the absense of any available kindling), it gets things fired up again, temporarily, but long enough to get some heat and light to work with.

I don't like consuming articifial substances/mind altering substances, but in this case, it was necessary. I'm just curious how long this effect will last. I don't want to crash hardcore later (I have homework and studying to do) but we'll see. Maybe if I'm lucky when I get off work I can head home and get doing things that will keep me focused and perked, otherwise I may have to have another drink.

--------------------
It's been about 90 mins since I drank part of the energy drink, and my mind is quite alive and well, but it's funny because my eyes feel tired and sore, and I feel like I can almost sense my true tiredness merely obscrued behind a thin wall. I know it's there, but there's a barrier keeping it from crashing my party and bringing everything to a grinding half. It's a very strange feeling for me, but at least I am able to work. I feel like right now the only thing that would really truly get my neurons firing like I want them to is to go home and work on some music. But I have studying to do :(
-------------------
Just had to take my second 'hit' of energy drink for the day. it's just after 4pm and I could feel it wearing off and I was not keen on that. It seemed to last roughly 5 hours, so I have to be careful how much more I drink because I will need to be able to wind down for sleep 5-6 hours from now.

it's weird though, as I've just had a little more, it's as if I can actually feel my brain responding... if you've ever seen animations in TV/movies of how a human morphs into a werewolf, where their muscles bulge and their bones snap and expand... that's kind of what it feels like is happening in my brain. it;'s as if little explosions are working their way through my grey matter, lighting it all up. But at the same time now that I'm giving myself a second stimulus boost, it feels a little more jagged this time. Like when you're already tired and you get a headache, there's that extra aspect of discomfort, where it literally feels like gears are grinding in your brain when you try to think with any real effort.

But I have no choice... I have to at least get my homework done, if not also some studying. I have to. I won't be able to tomorrow, and I don't want to cram on wednesday night.

Prepare for a deluge of backlog

2011-06-30T19:13:00.001-07:00

I've got alot of backlogged blog content, and a long weekend to kill. I'm most likely going to be cracking my knuckles and hitting the keyboard.

I was pleased with my performance on my final exam tonight. I don't know my mark, but I'd be surprised if it wasn't at least in the 80s.

Despite being done with night school officially now for the summer, I don't quite feel the sense of 'freedom' I thought I would. It's nice to not have to worry about studying anymore (or homework, though that was never much of a thing), but I realize my nights busy with class will simply become nights busy with other stuff.

But at least now I can get back to music, which I've really been missing.

Stay tuned for lots of posts (probably).

Update - not on the last post

2011-06-26T20:52:00.000-07:00

No, I haven't gone back to bed yet. I was actually reading old posts, going back to March.

It's funny since I have literally been "crazy busy" the last two months, yet was complaining about my busy-ness back in March. I was only 'kinda busy' back then.

This is my last week of my current night school class, and I am VERY glad it's ending. I've barely been home for 2 months and have had to put just about everything non-work and non-school in my life on hold. Music, board gaming, writing... it's been lame.

But that ends soon. Until Sept anyways.

I'm going back to school and moving again. I'm looking forward to it.

Anyways, I've got a bunch of material I want to blog about so when I have the time again, it'll be here.

When sleep eludes

2011-06-26T20:33:00.000-07:00

It has been an unusual weekend for sleep for me. Friday night I was out quite late (much later than normal) and despite going to bed at 2am pretty tired, I woke up at 7am the next morning anyways. my biological clock was just like 'fuck it, get up'.

Saturday I went to visit family, and had 2 naps between when I had gotten up at 7am and when I got picked up to head out of town. I also had 2 naps while out of town (cat naps), and then had a 45 min nap in the car on the way back. I then slept 10 hours last night, and yes, within just an hour of being up this morning I had another nap.

Today I met up with a friend for a few hours, then made a stop on the way home, then came home and did some heavy lifting, had a shower and then another nap.

After all those naps, I have now tried to go to sleep twice, with no luck. I was actually tired at 9:30 so I went to bed. Never fell asleep, just kind of 'recharged'. Got up at 10:30, buggered around for 30 mins and tried again. I'm now up again, after another 20 min 'nap'.

It concerns me that I seem to need so many naps during the daytime (mostly seem to just be from periods where my brain is idling - not being kept busy enough to keep the neurons firing and keep me alert) and I'm not always sleeping full nights. I don't want this to become a trend.

Though it does make me think, I have heard of and done a bit of brief research on something called "polyphasic sleep". The idea is that rather than be awake for 16 hours and sleep for 8, you are awake 24 hours a day and have 30 minute naps every 3 hours. It's interesting to me because the claim is that you can get alot more done under that regimen (and get to enjoy alot more quiet time than most, since you're awake while everyone else is sleeping), but transitioning into it (and finding a job where you CAN take naps every 3 hours - at least 2 per day while actually at work) sounds like a nasty trip for your brain, and I HATE being mentally tired.

I suppose if this keeps up maybe I'll consider giving it a try. I actually do have a job where I can take naps...

It's almost midnight and I should try to sleep again soon, but I'm still not tired (moreso getting hungry).

I feel like I'm doomed to be tired tomorrow, which is bad cause I have homework and studying to do, after work.

Not much else to say right now. Trying not to get my brain all revved up by thinking too much.

A month later...

2011-06-05T13:25:00.000-07:00

I think my last post was about my move. Well, obviously a month later I'm unpacked and settled in, and while things aren't quite as peachy-keen as I had thought, they are at least an improvement over my past situation. Though there are some things that are issues now that weren't before to replace some of the issues from before that aren't issues now.

Anyways, I don't intend to dwell. I'm here to post because I know it's been a while and I have some things to say.

3 weeks ago I started taking piano lessons again. Yesterday I also started taking drum lessons again. I'm going to be doing them on alternating weeks at least for the rest of the summer, and we'll see after that. But it had been too long since I had really been involved with music in the way I wanted to, and I've wanted to learn these two instruments for years. My resolution this year (which I'm quite pleased with my progress on and faithfulness to) was to be more assertive, put myself out there more, go after the things I want and keep finding ways to better myself or push myself forward in a positive/productive way.

I am going back to school full time, to obviously further my career (and because I like to learn). I am doing the music lessons for myself, cause it's something I want and i've put it off long enough. I have also been aggressively pursuing a love life. I've managed to get more confident without becoming cocky, and just be more comfortable and less afraid. My attitude has fundamentally changed, and the new rule is "you have to ask at least once". I'm trying not to be creepy and ask out every girl I find attractive, but I am definitely being more forward and trying to increase my visibility. I was e-dating one girl recently, who lives out of town but will be commuting in for school, and when we met in person it was fine, but she decided for herself that the commuting was not conducive to also dating, so she called it off. Onward and upward I go.

But anyway, I have definitely made efforts in all the different aspects of my life to improve - trying to keep myself busier at work, making sure I put homework before play, making sure I actually practice between music lessons, reading up on investing for next year, and trying to get myself on some dates.

I'm happy with my efforts, and the results they've been having, and it's easy to keep this up now that it's basically habitual. And I'm still "young" (under 30) so I've got lots of time to keep the snowball rolling. I have a 3 year plan, as well as a 1 year plan and a 1.5 year plan.

This blog was started, and then later resurrected for me to do my musings on. I have enough things going on ("good busy" as opposed to "holy shit I'm swamped and have no time to think!") and things to focus on and make sure they get done right and the pieces of the puzzle fall where they should, that I haven't been musing as much, but it's still good to know that every once in a while I can drop in and update, even if just for posterity's sake.

I'm going to leave it there for now. Happy sunday!

Sick! Ugh!

2011-05-07T11:55:00.000-07:00

I don't get sick often. I'd say basically once a year. I've known people who seem to be sick every couple months, or at least a few times a year.

It often tends to be around the same time of year with some people. I rarely get sick in "cold season", but I get sick at weird times, and often inexplicably, except this time I'm pretty sure I got it from my boss. He had a runny nose at work the last couple days.

The thing I hate about getting sick is in my case, most times, I just wake up one morning and feel like crap. This morning I woke up with an unusually sore throat, but figured that might just have been from sleeping with my mouth agape, sucking in lots of air in a dry room and thus drying out my throat. My throat did feel better about 2 hours later.

But then the second way to 'get sick' reared it's ugly head. Have you ever been going about your business when all of a sudden, it's as if someone hits some secret "slow motion" button on the back of your head... you just suddenly feel really lethargic and tired, but you can actually FEEL the transition, as your body switches into germ killing mode and diverts all your energy to that? That's what happened to me today.

I had felt absolutely fine last night. I was out playing board games, I got home at 1:30am and felt fine, despite a fairly long day. I woke up this morning with the throat as I said but that didn't worry me too much as I've had that happen before and it usually just takes drinking some water and not talking or getting too physically active for a couple hours and it's fine. But this time I developed a runny nose and now a headache as well. I went for lunch about an hour ago and I feel a little better now, not totally horrible but I have no desire to really do much of anything, which is the opposite of how I've felt for weeks now. I've been suffering some pretty intense ADD/OCD lately. Work is still underutilizing me which is annoying the fuck out of me, and I have no idea if that's likely to change in the next week or month or what. I have talked to the department head but there's no real way to know how soon a change will occur. But that OCD/ADD thing revolves around my hyperactive/starving brain, and it seems whenever it's tired (either due to sleep deprivation, a really good workout, or being sick), that's the only time I am not itching to be running around saving the world like normal. I still want to be doing things, but that 'climbing up the walls' feeling is gone.

Anyways... I only JUST got my internet back and while I'm quite happy about that, I realize I should not spend too much time on here when I should be resting. More later.

Words from a week ago (when I had no internet)

2011-05-07T11:54:00.001-07:00

Sunday, May 1, 2011:

Well, I just moved. It has been 14 months since my last move, and the last 14 months have been pretty crappy for the most part (well, at home anyways). This post is going to appear several days late because I am currently without internet at home. I’m basically 24 hours in now, haven’t quite started to suffer from withdrawl just yet (but it might be just around the corner). Fortunately I will have internet access at work and can go to the library in the interim if I *really* need to. I’m not going to be home much this week anyways so it shouldn’t be too bad.

Thankfully the move went pretty smoothly, the unpacking has been a bit tougher. But I’m almost done. I just have a couch in my bedroom that needs to go.

I will admit, or rather, I *have to* admit, I like control. I like knowing what’s going on, how it’s going to go and how it’s going to end. I had the move planned out, and it barely went according to plan. My dad showed up 30 mins early, before I had even picked up the breakfast I ordered (to have energy to move), and as is my dad’s way, he didn’t want to wait around, he wanted to start moving stuff. My new roommate had asked me to not start bringing stuff over until 11:30 or 12, and my dad showed up at 10:30. So, can’t eat breakfast and plans bumped ahead by 60 minutes. Not off to a great start.

I had planned to move certain things in a certain order, to more easily facilitate unpacking them in an organized fashion (ie have stuff of a similar function/purpose kept together), but my dad was not about to wait around for me to tell him which boxes go first. So they just started throwing boxes in his truck. I had already lost control and I was never going to get it back.

Thank goodness, by the time we got back for load #2, my mom had arrived, and she would at least ask me what to take and where to put it. Had my mom not been around to help, it would probably take me 3 or 4 days to unpack because everything would be everywhere. Over the course of the move, my dad and step mom were basically calling the shots, and I had no energy or desire to argue/dispute. It’s already touchy enough that my mom and dad don’t really get along so famously, and none of us really like my step mom. So the situation basically called for letting the bull through the china shop however it pleased so as to break as little as possible.

I lost a shelf to my dresser which I’m not terribly thrilled about, but can make do. I’ve also seemingly lost a couple other things, fortunately nothing major.

So anyways, after all the moving was done I started unpacking. The problem was that as I said, everything was basically everywhere.

I think next time, I’m going to spend the extra time/money and move the way I want to. It was nice to save $100 bucks on not having to rent a u-haul, but the stress and frustration of not being in control of your situation, for me who is such a highly organized person (one reason my last roommate drove me nuts was because he had virtually NO organizational sense and I suffered for it), I basically had no choice but to accept it and hang on for the ride. But next time, to make sure everything stays together as it should, goes where I want it and is easy to unpack, I’m going to go a little further in my own trouble. Or at least just get friends to help rather than my dad and step mom who think they know best on everything and it’s futile to argue. It was disrespectful what they did yesterday but I can’t really say that. Well, maybe one day.

Now, as I’m fighting off rigour-mortis, I’m somewhat relaxed that things are in decent shape, and my new roommate is awesome and once this place is settled for good (probably by the time the internet is hooked up), it’s gonna be sweet. If I had internet right now it would certainly be nice and I could relax and watch some videos online, or read some articles, but oh well.

I’m just glad to be back in control, and in a better place overall.

Busy for all the wrong reasons

2011-05-03T14:33:00.000-07:00

Well, my life is kinda ass-backwards right now. At least this week.

Why you ask?

Well, I just moved, so there was that (I have a blog post about that in the can at home, where I currently have no internet thus cannot submit it), and then there has been some other commotion. It turns out it's actually kind of a pain in the ass to go about changing/updating your mailing address. Moreso than I recall it being last time I did it, 14 months ago.

So I've been running around trying to do that, getting stuff for mothers day, running other errands, setting up the new internet (which I hope to goodness will infact be installed and operational by 11am this friday as is scheduled), I'm now at school early because I needed to take care of something here, only to find out the office closed at 4pm (as opposed to 5 as I'd thought), so I have an hour to kill before my class tonight which itself ought to only last 15 or 20 mins. I have to rush home afterwards to get a shower, up early tomorrow to go to that office BEFORE work, then in to a meeting AT work, out for games after work, thursday night I have class, friday night I'll be out, saturday I don't even know what's going on but I'm sure *some* kind of nonsense will happen, and sunday I'm probably going to be helping a friend out with a film project.

So I'm busy doing lots of running around, errands, taking care of business, doing all kinds of stuff that doesn't pay. What am I NOT busy doing? working. Yes, my "full time contract position" has alright unofficially transitioned into part time. I'm basically looking at 5-6 hours a day of real work, if I'm lucky. I find it REALLY hard to get into a groove when all my tasks take just a few mins to complete and then I have to go bug my boss for more work. I REALLY don't approve of this. I want a steady workflow. I'd rather be TOO busy then not busy enough. It's partly my OCD/work ethic, and partly that I have bills to pay and school to save for.

I was planning to try to stay on as an employee part time after my contract ends, but it seems that may have come sooner than anticipated. I don't know what's going to happen. I haven't heard anything to the effect that I might be let go or that my services aren't as needed as they used to be, but I'm definitely not justified in being there for 8 hours right now. I almost want to take my chances going back to temp work, I mean, 4 months till school, why not, as long as it's consistently full time hours. That's really all I want.

And this is why I am going back to school full time. I'm intending to fast track my way to a degree and either by this time next year, if not the year after, be able to snag myself a "real" job in the field, making proper money and working steady hours. I feel that goal is mere inches out of my grasp. But I am gunning for it hard. I'm so incredibly tired of not being in control of my course/destiny, of having my fate lay in the hands of others. I'm a little leery about my current living situation, even though my new apartment and roommate are worlds better than the last one, the new roommate is still technically 'in control' and if they decide i'm not the right fit, well, like it or not, I'll be moving again sooner than I'd like. So if this isn't working out swimmingly in a year, I'll be potentially looking for a bachelor apartment for myself. I'm not TOO worried about that yet, but it's in the back of my mind.

Anyways... i'm just frustrated, but it's temporary. As I said, I know exactly what I want and how to get it, it's just going to require a bit of patience and maintaining my focus. Cause once I get to the next level, I'm never going to have to concern myself with this kind of crap again. Once I take control as I intend to, it won't even be a question of letting go.

Motivational speakers may seem really cheesy and lame, but there is something to what they say. You have to work for the things you want, and once you've earned them, no one can take them away from you.

Frustration

2011-04-22T07:35:00.001-07:00

Well, just when it seemed everything was starting to work out in a really good way... I seem to once again be slipping and falling backwards, and I have seemingly little control over it.

Here's the situation:

-I'm employed "full time" but struggling to get the hours I want, thus making it difficult to save for school (this is only going to get worse next month as I won't be able to stay as late in the day due to night school for the summer, my boss doesn't show up till 9:30ish and I can't start work without him, so I can get 7 hrs a day if lucky). I *want* to work hard and long, I hate having to wait around for my boss and wait for them to find stuff for me to do. I WANT TO WORK. It's ridiculous that this company is paying me for full time but they don't have a full time workload to give me. I want to bail and go somewhere that can keep me busy, but for just the next 4 months? Who would take me on for just 4 months? I can't work past the end of August, not full time anyways.

-I am apartment hunting, which is actually even more tedious, annoying and discouraging than job hunting, because when you're on a limited budget, all you can get are dirty little closets with foreign/cranky landlords. I want out of where I'm at though because I essentially live in a dirty little closet AND have a complete slob of a roommate, who I think if at this point I tried to tell him to clean up his filthy act he would probably try to get me kicked out anyways, so basically I might as well try to find a nicer place.

-I had found a place that seemed pretty ideal, but as I kind of suspected from the beginning, I don't think the girl who showed me the place was super keen on me, and I just got confirmation that they have given the place away, before even letting me meet the other roommates.

-I desperately want to take charge of my life and stop ending up in positions where I'm at other people's mercy. I can't really take charge of my working life until next year, after I'm further in my schooling, I can't take charge of my living situation because I'm on a budget for school and I'd like to just skip the summer and start school right now but I can't do that. So I get to play hurry up and wait.

-I'm also frustrated in my lack of a love life, and while I am trying to put some effort into changing that, once again, when my working and living situations aren't even in order completely, how can I even think about my love life? It's a cycle that repeats often and I hope to the god I don't believe in that next year I can finally get all my ducks in a row like I want. I'm very close, and despite being far too used to having to be patient, I'm really tired of always having to wait just a little longer.

Anyways, ranting makes me feel better so I'm doing it often. It could certainly be much worse, it's just I am ready to be a god damn independent professional adult but will alone isn't enough, I have to get that stupid piece of paper and get the better income so I can afford to live on my own again and not have to worry about roommates or crappy landlords...

Alright, that's all for now.

Last post = writing an angry letter before sleeping on it

2011-04-15T19:15:00.000-07:00

Almost literally as soon as I turned away from the computer and turned my mind to other things, my anger had largely dissipated.

I think my biggest frustration is that I am so incredibly passionate about my subject matter, I *KNOW* it pretty damn well, I intend to bury myself into this project and make it an absolute nuclear warhead of a presentation, and I also truthfully want to set such a standard that no one after me will be able to do as well. I want to make it look like I've been working on this for years, not days.

Yes I have an ego. It's partly because when I see other people doing something that I know I could also do, only FAR better, I get angry when I'm not able to do it, whether due to reasons within or not within my control.

In this case I feel it's more the not my control kind of thing. I had been prepared to blow this audience away (and make the event look damn good too), and now I was basically being told 'you can't, at least not anytime soon'. That's not too much different than telling a nerd who's been camped out infront of a comic book store for a week that the comics were cancelled by the manufacturer and aren't coming afterall - ever. You've already waited, put in your time, shown your dedication, and you get nothing but embarassment to show for it. Kind of like the time in high school when this girl said she would call me and didn't, and I foolishly admitted that to some cool kids who promptly and mercilessly made fun of me cause I'd probably be a virgin for life (wrong! ha!).

Anyways... once again I am trying to maintain a new habit. Rather than get competitive or cutthroat/backstabby, I am going to try and take the high road, figure out some way to make something out of my efforts, and if I can't do it the 'nice' way, then I'll pursue my other options.

A test in dodging a burst of "Nerd Rage"

2011-04-15T18:49:00.000-07:00

So, I started last weekend preparing a nerdy presentation for something, and I was quite excited.

I was so excited infact, that I could really think of nothing else other than working on this presentation and making it awesome, so I could bask in the adoration of a nerd filled audience at my nerdy brilliance in presenting the subject matter. And I love the subject matter.

I knew my chance would require patience, as this presentation wouldn't be happening until at least June. Okay, that just means more time to perfect it, to refine it.

Now I get an email saying that my particular topic's parent subject matter has been covered a couple times already at this series of events, and the organizer decided that my presentation should be postponed for a few events. Knowing that these things happen once every 2 months currently, that means AT LEAST 6 months before I will be presenting, which means October, if not later.

First off, part of why I've been spending more time prepping this presentation NOW (instead of studying for my exam on monday), is because I've not wanted to lose the spark, the inspiration I have. After the last event, I was buzzing with excitement, and I asked to present at the next one, but my request came too late and I was bumped ahead on the schedule. So I didn't start working on the presentation. By the time the event happened again, I had mostly stopped even thinking about it. Then I went to the event and it completely rekindled me desire. I knew if I waited I would once again lose my desire. I had to strike while the iron was hot. And even after only getting halfway through my presentation composition in powerpoint, I had to pause for 3 days and that worried me as to losing my interest/motivation.

I know I'm back in the pure artistic mindset once again (after some burnt out downtime between November and February) because my inspiration is extremely sensitive and finicky. I basically have to seize the moment, or it's gone. I make notes every day at work, email myself thoughts, ideas, reminders, only to get home and see them and go "I don't want to do that now".

Waiting till June I could handle, I can just make sure at least once or twice before then to practice my presentation, maybe even run it by a friend or two. But October? I feel as though I might as well just resign right now. I feel like I'm inevitably going to be in a totally different place by then, mentally, creatively, inspirationally. Hell, I'm hoping this summer/fall to really get back into music, and maybe even back into writing. I will be in full time school in October. I'm not optimistic about my chances of having the time, interest or mental capacity to do this presentation by that point.

My only idea for salvaging this, is to follow an idea I had before getting the news. I had been thinking "I have 2 ideas I really want to do for this, and it's hard to choose which one to do if I had to pick one". And while doing the research for one of them, I've noticed that it ties into several other things, so I thought to myself "why not create a new presentation every couple weeks or every month? pick a topic that interests you, research it and put together some kind of presentation on it". This leads me to the further thought "why not just start your own monthly event similar to this one you've been hoping to get more involved in, and then you can present every time instead of just once, and do what you want to do/make it what you want it to be". In part I feel kind of guilty for potentially making myself a rival for something that I think is awesome and I want to support, really it's just my inner nerd being utterly disappointed, frustrated and confounded about the circumstances. But I've been trying more and more these days to keep myself in check and try to take such situations and use them to evolve myself. Like I said, if I can't achieve my desired outcome via the system already in place, I need to try and create a new system where I *can* thrive. Why rely on someone else to achieve my own goals?

This does seem a little bit foolish, since I had every intention of starting a real discussion group, and have pretty much completely abandoned that since my life got really busy, and it's entirely possible that if I do start up a nerdy presentation thing that after a few times I will have gotten my fix and want to move on, so it may not be the best idea. I really just wanted to overcome the situation of "you can't have it the way you want, and you can either settle for something inferior (like getting to present but not on your best subject), or you can try to rise up and set a standard, but one that you know you can't maintain"

I don't know. Part of me wants to just say fuck it and forget the whole damn thing, but another part of me is saying "don't you dare let this go. make yourself seen and heard. they will listen, they will learn, and they will laugh!".

If I didn't have so many other aspirations/goals/projects in mind for the near future, this would be a much different blog post. While yes I have alot I want to achieve, that isn't stopping me from still insisting on hitting every bullet point, no matter how inconvenient. I don't want to settle anymore, I am really trying to seize things, to go after what I want and make the world mine.

This is not a good sign

2011-04-09T12:37:00.001-07:00

I know I've been really busy lately, hardly home, hardly time to do much that I want to do, and I know I'd gotten used to it, but now, when I get to a full weekend and can actually RELAX, I feel like I've forgotten how to. I don't want to just be sitting around not working, I actually DO want to work or be doing something productive.

I spent a couple hours working on something which was fairly satisfying, now I am trying to force myself to do some homework (which is less satisfying) and I'm thinking "gee, I still have a full day tomorrow to fill". That is the exact opposite of the thinking I've had the last few weekends. By mid-sunday I've been like "I need another day!". Right now I feel like I want to go back to work tomorrow.

I think that means I'm officially becoming a workaholic. But it's not just that I always want to be busy, I want to be busy doing useful things. I want to be working on projects, or learning new things that matter, stuff like that. I have been invited to a birthday party today and I'm admittedly kinda zonked already. I was thinking maybe I'd take a break from homework and go do that, but it's across the city and I don't know if I'm necessarily going to enjoy it so much. Plus I'm on the verge of a migraine here.

It really seems strange that I have a full day free tomorrow and I'm like "I need to FILL that". Like free time without focus is wasted free time. When I woke up this morning I had the idea to work on some music this weekend, but that motivation seems to have passed now. I have alot of projects I want to do, but I have trouble working on something without being able to really bury myself in it, and ideally get it totally done in one shot. But you can't completely develop a board game in a day, nor can you finish recording and mixing an album, or write a book.

Well that's enough excitement for one day

2011-04-02T15:05:00.000-07:00

So, to start this story off, about a week ago I ordered a board game from Amazon (Age of Empires III - The age of discovery, which is an EXCELLENT game), and the game arrived sooner than expected, but as I figured, it arrived in the middle of a week where I just was not home for the most part during anything close to business hours, this the delivery ended up at the post office. I found the note on Wednesday, knowing I would not be able to retrieve it until today.

So this morning, after getting up from sleeping in (something I've not had much chance to do lately, but at least have still been getting adequate sleep), I headed over to the post office to pick up my package. I brought it home, opened the box it came in, and set it aside. I needed to go pick up a glue stick to make repairs to another game of mine "Long Shot" (a horseracing board game that is actually pretty interesting/fun), since it has stickers for the pieces but they don't actually stick very well.

So off to Dollarama. I hopped back on my bike and headed over. I got there, found the glue stick, went to pay, and then when I reached for my wallet... nada. I figured when I got back from the post office I'd taken it out of my coat pocket for some strange reason. So I came back home, annoyed but not dead-ruiningly so. It did kill a bit of my planned momentum but whatever. So I come home, and start looking for my wallet. I can't find it in my bedroom, nor in the kitchen where I'd been briefly between my outings. Then I start to panic a bit. Did it fall out of my coat while I was on my bike riding to the store? This isn't the best neighbourhood, so if someone found it, I wouldn't expect it to be returned, unharmed and with all contents intact. Plus I'd just been to the bank :/

I say to myself "I don't need this right now" and then "but if it happened, it happened, I'll have to deal with it cause I have no choice". I figure if I'm lucky, since the store is pretty closeby, maybe I can find it still wherever it landed when it fell out of my pocket, maybe just with the money and possibly my visa removed. I hop back on my bike and go to retrace my steps (so to speak). I ride slowly and I look around where I rode. I get all the way back to the store without seeing it. I think "maybe I'll have to check the garbages along the street to see if someone grabbed the cash and tossed the wallet in there". Then I think "hmm, what if it actually fell out in the store?". I just assumed that with my aggressive bike riding that's most likely where it would have dislodged from my pocket and flung out somewhere. Then I remembered, when I was in the store before, I had been in one aisle and accidentally knocked something off a shelf, which I tried to catch by lunging forward, to no avail. I wonder with a bit of hope "maybe THAT is where it fell!". I go back in and to that aisle, nope, no wallet on the floor or under the shelf. I go to the checkout and ask about it, and the cashier says "what did it look like?". I tell her and she immediately opens a drawer and hands it to me. She says "check inside and make sure everything is there". You don't have to tell me twice lady!

What do I find upon opening it? Some very clever thief, in a matter of no more than maybe 10 minutes, has managed to replace everything in my wallet with exact working replicas, each with a stamp that says "be more careful next time, bud". My cash has been replaced with monopoly money, specially issued that just happens to also be legal Canadian tender at any store.

Thank you Mr. (or Ms) Thief, I most certainly will be.

Now it's time to do homework, and study. You know, after the last 4 weeks I've had running around taking care of business, this is kind of nice. I still have stuff to do but it easy, non-stressful, relaxing. I need to enjoy moments like these while they last, because after I go back to school in Sept, for 8 months I'm going to forget what free time was like.

Something interesting just happened

2011-03-26T17:30:00.000-07:00

I went to sell some video games today, aware that the plight of the gamer is that we spend usually at least 50 (40 if we're lucky) up to 70 dollars for a new game, and when it comes time to sell, if it's not shortly after the original purchase, and especially if the sequel has come out, the absolute highest return you're going to get is 20-30 bucks, but usually you're looking at 2-10 bucks. For instance, I purchased Alan Wake on release day last year for 69.99+tax. I believe it came to $82. A couple months later, it was retailing for $50, now it's retailing for $40. I was not counting on getting any more than about $10 for it.

A friend of mine who had said he might buy a few of the games I was selling, told me about a game shop downtown that supposedly had good prices, so since I've already tried EB Games (boo), and know that they tend to give some REALLY unfair returns on used games, I was willing to give this other place a shot.

Now, normally when I am selling stuff like games or CDs, it's quite old (2-3 years, sometimes more), and normally it's a case of 'I really need some spare cash, so I'll take what they give me cause I can't afford to haggle and get nothing'. This time however, I wanted the money to help me buy something else, so I was able to say to myself "if they offer you $2 for this game that's only about 1.5 years old, take your business elsewhere". And normally I don't have a friend on the side who's willing to buy stuff from me.

So anyways I go into the store and do the usual "how much for these?". I was offered I think it was $20 for the stack of 7 games. I was planning to offer them on craigslist for $10 each so we're already off to a bad start. So I say "okay, what about these 4 by themselves?" (pointing to the ones other than the 3 that my friend wanted to buy). What ensued was an actual negotiation for used goods that I've never directly been part of before. I actually DID have a friend who was willing to buy them for a decent price, so I held my ground that I wasn't going to be walking out with less than he offered, or all of my games. I ended up haggling with the store manager directly, and told him "these three are worth 35 to me, the others are worth at least 10 each in my eyes". He gave me this spiel about how a few of them weren't worth that, but ultimately he wanted the 3 that my friend was going to buy, so he offered me $40 for those 3 plus one of the others. I just realized as I thought about it that while at the time I thought I'd managed to get a bit more for 1 older game, in retrospect I only got $5 for it since the other 3 were going to get me 35, not 30. In my head I had been thinking 'ok, 10 each for 4 games, that's decent', and also, the thing I was intending to buy with that money was going to be about $40 in the end anyways, so my costs would be covered and my bag a little lighter to carry home, so yeah ok maybe I still lost 5 bucks on one game technically, I got rid of 57% of them and got the amount I ultimately needed. The other 3 go on craigslist with hopes I can snag 10 bucks each. I probably *could* have gotten 10-15 each for the games I sold if I'd had the patience to sell them all online, but trouble is, I don't have the time these days to be trying to do that, either having people come to me, me to them, or meeting in the middle. I just wanted to get rid of them and get the 40 I needed, so whatever.

But I was going to say, I now realize it's a valueable tactic to have 'a friend who's offering more'. I have never thought to lie about that kind of thing before (didn't have to this time it was true) but in future I'll definitely keep it in mind. It might not work at all, or it might only get me an extra few bucks, but it's worth a try.

The moral of the story however is that I've learned that from here forward, it's kind of pointless to buy things like video games and CDs, because their initial cost is about 10x what you can get back for them when you want to sell. Board games are a bit of a different story, they can be traded fairly easy, and provided they are kept in good condition, I'd say they could probably net 1/3-1/2 their original cost in a used sale. But I don't forsee myself tiring of playing board games anytime soon. I can understand why I've fallen out of video gaming, and at this point it doesn't really make alot of sense to own physical CDs anymore (despite that I love the artwork that comes with them and there IS something indescribably special about holding an album in your hand vs only having computer files of it).

But my lifestyle is moving away from excess and into frugality. I keep looking around my room thinking 'what doesn't need to be here anymore?'. I just took a laundry basket full of clothes to goodwill a couple weeks back (since they can't really be sold used), and while getting rid of some games/CDs doesn't free up a ton of space, it's less to think about a) when I move next b) in a robbery or c) in a fire. And if I CAN get a few bucks for them, then great. But these days my mind set is to only buy things I need, and when it comes to replacing things, I try to wait until it's absolutely necessary (shoes with holes in the heel, backpack perforated and slumping sadly, Mp3 player ceases to function). Right now I could *technically* afford to buy a nice new widescreen computer monitor, and I did some window shopping today, I could get one for about $200, but the one I have is still kicking, still serving my needs fine for the moment, and I have a spare downstairs which is unfortunately much more clunky/cumbersome (it's CRT vs my active LCD one) but I could rely on that if I had to. I've also been deal hunting more lately. I just bought a new backpack and happened upon a sale - BOGO1/2 (buy one, get one half price), so I got 2 different coloured ones of the same style for a total of 30 bucks, whereas I had been prepared to spend $50 on one! Now I have a backpack I like that will theoretically last me the next 2-5 years, and when it dies, I have an exact duplicate to take it's place, so I'm covered for backpacks for at least the next 4 years, possibly 8 or 10! And really, by that time, what the heck will I need a backpack for anymore??

Anyways, I was surprised by the experience of haggling directly and seemingly causing the store manager to budge a little. I've had alot more confidence lately and this is just adding to it!

Need to write it before the moment is gone

2011-03-24T18:34:00.000-07:00

Once again, I have shown myself that putting yourself out there is always a good thing.

About a month ago I connected with a girl at a networking event, and happened to mention that a friend of mine had told me he was trying to work on some film/video projects with a few friends, and that I had offered to help because I want to get involved in that kind of stuff. She mentioned that she knew a guy who was a documentary filmmaker and sent me an email with info about an event where a film he worked on was being showcased.

I booked the date on my calendar.

The event was tonight, and after work today (a day of work that was lacklustre, disappointing and uninspiring), I *almost* skipped the event. But as I've tried to do more and more these days, there was a REASON I was supposed to go - to connect with this guy. No expectations of what may or may not come from that, but I owed it to myself, and the potential of getting one step closer to reaching some of my goals/dreams, to go and give it a shot. And so I did. And damn I'm glad I did. Once again, I put myself out there and was rewarded for it.

I met the guy, a he was cool, and we exchanged cards and talked a bit. And then a friend of his showed up and they started talking, and I hung around, and he introduced us. He soon had to go and take care of some things, but his friend and I continued talking, and we talked for basically an hour. And the conversation never really stopped. We have alot in common as far as interests go, projects we want to do, our kind of workflow/process. It's been a while since I've talked to a fellow artist/writer. I haven't really been in that mindspace in a while.

Anyways, the trailer for the documentary was shown and there was a brief Q&A, and this event, as short as it was, really hit me. Like there have been a few times lately, mostly from 'putting myself out there', where I have come away ignited, inspired... just like 'where's that world I'm after, let me at it!'. Unfortunately I'm not in a position exactly to carpe diem as I would like, BUT I just need reminders like this every so often to remind me to not get complacent, to go after the things I want and definitely make the most of the time, energy and health and motivation that I have.

Lately I've found myself thinking quite a bit about trying stand up comedy. I listen to podcasts by several comedians and I feel like I've picked out some patterns, some techniques, and so even if I only do it once (ie go on stage and bomb and decide I got my experience and I'm satisfied), I tried it and that's a HUGE thing that I can say. As I walked home from the thing tonight I was thinking about 'what would I talk about? what would my jokes be?'. I've never actually consciously tried to write jokes, I'd be more the 'humourus observation' kind of comedian I think. Another thing I've been thinking alot about lately is writing a book. I have had so many interesting thoughts and ideas lately... and I hope to try several things that are majorly different for me in the next year or few (I never would have dreamed of trying stand up comedy up until very recently), and while I'm not the first (and won't be the last) person to have a 'mid twenties epiphany' and decide they want to take a year and go travelling and experience different cultures and stuff, I feel like I could put my own unique spin on the story. Afterall, I grew up wanting to be a hockey player, then I got into art/music, now I've switched to accounting and there's a growing list of 'departures' that I want to study, try or pursue. I hope accounting work can get me through everything, provide the financial foundation I need to be able to try all this stuff, we shall see.

Good thing I'm only 27. I've got at least another 20 years in me, if not 30, before I potentially would want to think about slowing down. It's funny cause there are times when I think like "oh crap, I spent most of those 27 years doing nothing outside my own house, I've missed out on so much that everyone else has experienced!", but now I realize, and can look more forward that I have so much time to experience so much!

My plans over the next little while are many. The discussion group needs some attention again. I have to follow up with my 2 new filmmaker contacts, I want to start writing for that comedy set, and I have to figure out how I'm going to manage things since I intend to return to full time school in 6 months which is going to considerably limit my ability to do much other than school.

Hey, this is backwards!

2011-03-22T14:55:00.000-07:00

Don't have time for a long post... but another unfortunate day at work where I came in gunning for an 8.5 hour day and they ran out of things for me to do an hour before I wanted to stop working (this has happened a few times now, and it's impossible to predict). So I had to punch out and come home.

On the upside, I have more than enough to take care of at home, and not ENOUGH time to do it all. I likely won't be home more than 1 hour between the end of work and bed for the next 3 days, so I have to try and cram a bunch of stuff in tonight. Including my tax return for this year. I opted to do it myself and save myself the 15 bucks to do it online, but now sitting down with the papers I'm just like 'maybe 15 bucks is worth it to get this done and sent away ASAP, rather than doing it, mailing it, having it take a couple weeks to arrive, be processed/reviewed, and then my refund sent. 15 bucks isn't much, and it would mean I get needed money alot faster.

Then again, it I can manage to get through this in an hour or less, then I basically saved myself an hour's pay (which I lost today not through any fault of my own) so that would be good. But that still means sending it off via mail and waiting. And if I do the paper return and decide I want my refund faster, then I've wasted both the time doing it manually and the money to efile. Ugh!

Alright, enough babbling and procrastinating.

I'm still alive

2011-03-21T03:22:00.001-07:00

I've been very busy lately, not really any time for journaling/blogging. I've still had journally type thoughts just no time to write about them.

Even now I don't really have much desire to. I just slept for 9 hours. I haven't done that in like 3 weeks. It feels nice. I haven't been sleeping enough lately and was starting to get headaches because of it.

Even now I could have easily slept longer but my back started to hurt so I got up.

My dilemma right now is pretty much the same thing it has been for a week or two now. I have 90 minutes before I have somewhere to be/something to do, and it's not quite long enough to do anything that I *want* to do. I have to admit I've been willfully working 'overtime' for extra pay, so I've been buser/tired because of that, but other stuff has crept up on me too. My pockets of free time quickly get eaten up. Some days I like it, some days I don't. But this is a grown up life I now lead. I think next month I'm going to chill out a bit on work and try to set aside more time for myself again.

A picky (not quite) homeless guy

2011-03-04T19:20:00.001-08:00

I have a little story to tell. I just witnessed something that really surprised me.

Ever since I moved to this area, a year ago, I've been going around the corner to the corner store, the bank, the shoppers drug mart, the laundromat. Many times there is an older chinese man with a walking stick who paces up and down asking people for spare change. Virtually every day. And he'll ask the same people every time he sees them. Doesn't matter if you say no 99 times in a row, he'll still ask the 100th. Infact, I've walked by him sometimes 6 separate times in a day and he's asked EVERY time. He asks me when I'm carrying a huge heavy laundry basket full of wet clothes (as if I'm going to put it down, get out my wallet, hand him something, pick it back up and keep walking. Nope, sorry that ain't happening).

I admired his persistence and have admittedly felt guilty that I could never give him anything.

Then last summer, I found out accidentally where he lives. He's not homeless. But I think he lives in a group home or something. He obviously has somewhere to sleep, in an actual bed (or maybe on a cot), and I'm assuming they feed him too, because otherwise I don't think he'd be eating enough from what he can afford from what change he secures on the street to not wither away. So once I knew that at least he's not homeless, he's just basically looking for spare change to buy himself extra chow of his choice, well I felt less guilty that I couldn't afford to give him anything. And I've seen him in the corner diner at least a half dozen times, so I *know* he gets money from people enough to eat decent meals on a semi-regular basis.

Well, today, on my way to get my laundry from the laundromat, the guy walking infront of me down the street had a styrofoam container in his hand and when we both got near the guy, he handed it to him.

"Here" -guy ahead of me
"What is it?" - beggar
"Food!" - guy ahead of me
"WHAT KIND OF FOOD!" (literally snapped at the guy like he was trying to poison him or something)

The container was opened and shown to him, and he refused it. The guy who had offered it just set it down on the sidewalk and the beggar turned and walked away. I was shocked. Then the guy who had offered it started walking my way again and said to me "jeeze, picky guy huh?".

Absolutely.

I thought to myself "if I was homeless and starving I wouldn't refuse anything". And then I caught myself. I can't say that. There are some things I would definitely refuse, even if I was starving, but I would certainly be less picky than normal. I wondered what had been in the container (I hadn't seen).

I went in, got my laundry, came back out and walked back towards home. I saw the open container sitting on the sidewalk, and inside it was - toast and french fries. I certainly would NOT have refused that. It was at that moment that I think I was completely freed of any and all guilt I had about not being able to give this guy change.

Because seriously, if he can be picky enough to refuse something like toast and french fries, then he is CLEARLY not that bad off. The only thing I can think of is that he had some kind of allergy (which might work somewhat to explain his reaction of WHAT KIND OF FOOD!. I am trying to remember now what I've seen him order and eat before, I'm pretty sure there were french fries involved (I think he got chicken fingers/fries once but I don't remember 100%). Anyway, I think he had something really specific in mind, but again, that just tells me, he doesn't actually need the money, he's just going out of his way to get free food from other people's generosity, but then he goes and refuses/wastes someone's offering just because he didn't feel like it.

As I walked back home, I passed him again, and he once again asked me for change and I just said "hey man, there's some food right over there". I was disgusted. I don't think after witnessing that, that I want to give him change, even if I could. I guess it's not far from the concept of giving money instead of gifts for things like birthdays/xmas, that way you can get exactly what you want... but I just can't excuse the idea that he would refuse such generic food. Like I said, I'd probably refuse something like sushi or hot curry or something more exotic that might actually have an adverse reaction on my digestive system, but toast and french fries? He better have some kind of allergy or that just ain't cool.

Want vs Have To

2011-03-04T17:38:00.000-08:00

Wow... if only I got paid to write blogs (aka got paid to just ponder things out loud), I could quit my job right now. I've been having SO many ideas lately. I write partial ideas down till I get home but usually by then I'm just like 'meh', the moment passed.

I have also set aside several 'partial' entries only to never finish them.

Anyways, while reading a friend's blog just now, it occurred to me that I'm very fortunate that I have the choice to write, or be creative when I want to. Said friend runs a blog but for him it's part of something he's doing, a contest, so writing is necessary, vs for me it's optional.

It occurred to me that if I were in his position, where reading, writing or creating were mandatory (like it sometimes is for school... *grumble*), that would make things ALOT different. When I completed working on my most recent musical release back in November, I had reached a point where it had become mandatory, though self-imposed. I'd been working on the same project for TOO long, and I was sick of it, but the perfectionist in me couldn't just leave it with a bunch of unpolished spots. So I grinded it out and finished it, but at the end of that, I was very much burnt out. I decided to officially take a break from music/art. I was not feeling it at all anymore. I was actually pretty concerned because I wasn't sure if that desire would ever return. However, that was just a really low point for me, and the culmination of several crappy circumstances. Not even 3 months later, the bug was back, and now another month forward and my creative juices are practically bursting out of my pores. I have to admit it IS a little annoying to have far more ideas than I can EVER hope to try/explore, but it's certainly a more desireable state of affairs than the inverse.

But as I think about it, I am free to create music and art, when and how I wish, I'm free to take photographs, write... No one is making me or telling me how I should do it. As soon as that happens, I'm like a turtle retreating into it's shell. I want nothing to do with it. Art has to be free. And there's really nothing more inspiring than watching a free artist at work. The sheer, unhindered creativity that flows from them. When they are truly connected to and engrossed in what they are doing and it's a true work of passion and care.

It makes me sad for the artists out there who are not free. And I feel bad for my friend, as like I said, I know how it feels when you're forced to do the thing you like to the point where you don't enjoy it as much anymore, where you need a break. I would hate for that to happen. But I'm sure he'd bounce back in time. Any true artist can never permanently lay down their instrument of creation.

I am happy to say that yes, my creative desires have returned to me, and I've realized that when I am in a good place in life, feeling good, feeling safe and connected, I am able to open up and be creative. It's the most obvious and clear sign. When I was spending most of my waking time worrying about not having a job, going broke... that really took a toll on my soul. It slowly but surely chipped away at me and had be at it's mercy. It literally felt like the skies of my entire world had a dark cloud massed throughout, and they were looking quite ready to wash me away with terrential downpour. Luckily I evaded the storm and now I'm trying to be smart about conducting my business so I can spend more time conducting my art. And I'm really glad that I realized a year ago that I can't work anywhere that connects to my artistic pursuits, because it drains me. I need to come home with full creative stock.

Bittersweet

2011-03-04T03:57:00.000-08:00

So, I wasn't sure if I would be working today and 'slept in' as a result. Part of me was kind of hoping for a day off cause there are a few things I want to take care of but alas they shall have to wait. I woke up to a text that the issue at work is fixed and we're back online.

Good news is that means I get to go and make some money. Bad news of course I don't get to catch up on various things, and not sure how tired/willing I'll be AFTER work, as I'm going to try to put in a nearly 9 hour day.

Tomorrow I'll be board gaming for a good portion of the day I think, so Sunday will be the day I try to get a few odds and ends done.

Learning to circumvent your own defenses

2011-03-03T14:17:00.000-08:00

My 'intro' to this post is simple. You know how alot of people lie to themselves? Let's completely forget the external lying for the purposes of this post, let's just look at people kidding, deluding, protecting themselves from things they won't want to admit.

Well, here I am, after another day of work, yet more circumstances beyond my control resulting in a not very rewarding or fulfilling day, I don't feel like I should be 'tired' because I didn't really work very hard, yet there's a strange sense of 'downness' (not as in sadness or depression, just kind of a lack of enthusiasm, will, vigour... I'm just feeling flat and blah). I think I've determined that when I spend a *full day* "working" and I don't feel like I really accomplished anything that seemed like it should have taken that long, it really kills my mood. It doesn't help that I effing well NEED to be working as much as I can to get myself back on my feet financially, so spending hours waiting around, looking for any slacky thing to do to try and justify my cost of being there so I can actually stay and keep earning a paycheck, it's really frustrating. Sure I'd much rather have come home and taken care of stuff here, but right now I need the paycheck more than anything. So it really kills me inside that I am at work but can't work, and tomorrow I might get told to stay home if the issue that's preventing me from working isn't resolved. So that's a whole day of lost pay, which I can't do anything about.

Anyways, back to my sapped mental state.

One interesting thing I have observed about myself, as much as I love to analyze and problem solve, far too often I ultimately over-think and over analyze things, which inadvertently causes me to miss simple solutions/answers, or rather, instead of "just doing it", I have to ponder it from every angle and it takes me a while to decide I am infact going to "go for it". When I'm tired, it kind of breaks down that barrier. I don't have the energy to over-think, so it makes alot of things much more simple. It kind of puts my brain on a time out and it's no longer in it's own way.

And I've found even that if I go out somewhere, and I'm tired, it works out better because I'm too tired to be worried that I won't enjoy it or that I won't be properly prepared... it's simplifies it down to 'just go, and deal with whatever happens'. And sometimes I really like experiencing things in a more simplified way.

It even helps with things like trying to talk to cute girls and ask them out, because rather than try to think of the perfect thing to say and be all witty, I just say hi, ask them about themselves, and apologize that I'm tired and that even gives us something to relate over - work.

So my initial premise might have been a bit misleading. I actually don't have trouble being honest with myself, or at least, not nearly as much as many people seem to. And despite how busy I've been the last few days, it's been interesting because it gives me alot less to think about because I'm booked up, so I just go where I'm supposed to be and do what I'm supposed to do, and then I come home and go to sleep. Fortunately I don't have a huge list of to-do's that I'm behind on, otherwise I'd be stressed. It's just kind of nice to not have to think too much about my plans, to go with the flow a bit more. And I'm usually tired enough that I don't even get bored as easily.

My brain always wants to think about everything to make sure it's doing the smartest, most logical/rational thing, but really, it's not like if I don't analyze everything that suddenly my life will fall apart and I will not make any good decisions. So it's an interesting experiment to see how I behave differently under these new circumstances, and being able to observe myself almost like a passenger rather than being in control of my own experience.

The End of (long) Days

2011-03-02T17:50:00.001-08:00

Well, day 2 of "attempting to work overtime" wasn't quite the success I had hoped, but that wasn't entirely in my control.

I arrived at 8:20am (office opens at 8:15, before that I'd be stuck waiting in the lobby) to get started right away and to maximize my time for the day, since I once again had somewhere to be after work.

Of course, despite my arriving early and being eager, the unforseen circumstances of the company's server being down curbed my enthusiasm. There was nothing I could really do without a server connection. Infact, there wasn't much that many people could do. And the IT guy was running around all day frantically trying to fix it (which he had not by 5:30 when I left! So basically a full day of lost productivity).

I wasn't sure if I would get 'in trouble' for trying to bill the company for being there even if I couldn't work (since it was technically their fault), so I did my best to do things that were loosely 'productive', but after a couple of hours, I decided I should ask if maybe I could help out any other departments with things, to make myself useful. The answer was yes. Although the 'other departments' was a bit of a twist.

I ended up doing inventory all day. As in, going around to every single workstation and cataloguing the serial numbers of any expensive piece of equipment that was there (primarily computer monitors, laptops and phones). At first it seemed very tedious and mundane work, but I actually kind of got into a groove as the day went on, and actually got to have a brief conversation with one girl (who had a guitar bag with her, hence easy conversation starter) and got to at least learn the names of alot of people, even if I won't remember them all, or won't really be talking to most of them much more because our job duties do not overlap or intersect in any way really.

By the end of the day I was actually enjoying myself and kind of hoping I can finish this project before going back to entering expense reports. They're alright too, but this was a nice change, and it was kind of cool to start meeting people. Some people are much more friendly and talkative than others.

So today I logged just under 8 hours, about 30 mins short of my goal for the day. That said, it was better than being like 'I have nothing to do, I'm going home' (in which case I make no money).

After work I went to a presentation by CMAO (Certified Management Accountants of Ontario). It was informative and I think I'm 98% sure I'm going to go after it, it's just going to take a few years because I refuse to stop working and go back to school full time, but I can do it in night school.

And now I'm home and relaxing (it's almost 9pm), and once again not really very tired, but luckily not 'dazed' this time.

I'm going to be going to bed in about an hour, hopefully I can wind down by then and be able to actually go to sleep, sleep well and feel well rested tomorrow.

I actually don't have anywhere I have to go after work tomorrow, which I'd say is nice, but leaves me feeling like 'if I come home, I'm probably just going to waste the night... but I also won't have enough time to really get into anything significant either...'. So who knows. I just remembered there is actually a board gaming thing on thursdays that I've never been to, perhaps I'll check that out, although saturday all day long is board games this week, so I can get my fix there.

When sleep doesn't satisfy

2011-03-02T02:42:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a bit of an unusual day for me, mostly in duration and how well I survived it. Monday night I was prevented from going to sleep when I wanted due to my roommate and his brother arguing loudly (and I was too lazy/non-confrontational to get up and tell them to keep it down).

I think I got about 6.5 hours sleep that night. The following morning (tuesday/yesterday), I got up at 5:30am to leave for work at 7:30 (same thing today with a slightly later depart time). Went to work from 8am to 5pm, then to a networking meeting that lasted till 7:30, home by 8, and then attempted bed at 10pm. So 17ish hours from when I first got up to when I went to sleep. 17 hours is a LONG time. History has shown that typically my eyelids start to get pretty heavy after 15 at the high limit, usually it takes special circumstances to keep me going and alert past that point. I wasn't actually even 'tired' when I tried to go to bed, I just knew I had to in order to get my 7 hours of sleep. I wasn't tired, I was however a little 'dazed'.

I just slept for about 7.5 hours, after such a long day and not a full night sleep yesterday, I was hoping to be well rested today (another long day to come), but despite getting more sleep this time, I still feel dazed, and a bit like my brain is being squished/stretched (I'm not sure which sensation it actually is, but one of those two). I am going to try to put in overtime again today (which sorta failed yesterday, my target was 8 1/4 hours, but they ran out of things for me to do at 4:45 so I lost 1/4 hour...) but I don't know how that's going to go. Yesterday was a challenge. I don't think I can actually work 8+ hours all week, not with the stuff I'm doing. It's not actually super mentally intensive, it's kind of the opposite. It requires strong focus but kind of only on one thing. It's kind of like going to the gym and only using one machine instead of a variety of them. But hey at least it's not totally boring. It keeps me engaged enough that I can't really listen to music/podcasts without being distracted.

I got up early today and I'm not entirely sure why. I don't have to go anywhere for another almost 2 hours (I don't even know if I'll be able to start work early today, there might not be anything new for me to do yet) and it feels a little wasteful to just sit here on the computer.

I feel like I should have slept longer, but that also seems wasteful. Right now I just feel kind of halfway between fresh and tired. It's a weird hazy state. Don't you hate it when you sleep pretty much a full night but don't wake up well rested? I do. Doesn't happen often.

I guess I don't really have much else to say at the moment.

A blog before bed

2011-02-28T17:27:00.001-08:00

So, it's official, I just wrote my 2nd and final midterm for this semester (and will have only 1 exam in early april as one of my 'midterms' was actually the final exam for a 7 week course), so for the time being, my non-working time is entirely my own again.

Last week was 'reading week', and while I *did* intend to do some studying then, I instead decided to enjoy a "5 day weekend" after the news of getting a new job and being able to stop hunting.

What I feared happened though, things got down to crunch time, I set aside certain time on certain days to do my studying, and those times/days came and I was either distracted, tired or simply just not interested. I am happy to report though that I'm pretty confident that I passed both. I don't know about As or A+s but I passed both I'm fairly sure of that at least.

It's nice to not have to worry about school again for a little while. My remaining class is one that is lectures and handouts (I didn't even buy the textbook and haven't needed it thus far either). So long as I go, and pay attention/follow along, and occasionally make notes when necessary, I'm fine.

This means I can begin to put my mental energy towards hobbies/personal projects again. And I've got lots of them! Sadly, what I am finding is that most of my current projects in mind require being able to sit down for several hours and really bury myself in them to make satisfactory progress. This discourages me from working on things on weeknights because I can only get in maybe 2 or 3 hours and I have to leave myself time to mentally wind down to go to sleep. So the weekends will have to be where I really make headway on various projects.

The main thing I wanted to address in this blog, it's time to call myself out.

I did something really un-smart this past week, I should have known better, but fortunately it's not something I can't recover from, and in actuality, it is forcing me to be very disciplined now (which is good) and if I can keep that up it will actually be better for me in the long run.

So, what did I do? Well, when I got the call that I got the job, and found out how much they were going to pay me, I updated my budget in excel and was like "HOLY CRAP". I was going to be laughing all the way to the bank. Coming out of a period of poverty and wanting to celebrate not having to squeeze the blood from every stone-penny I had left anymore, I went on to buy myself multiple 10 dollar meals, and spend $60 on board games. This wouldn't have been so bad if not for 2 things. First, I though I had $100 more in my bank account than I actually did. Second, I didn't realize, despite having 5 full days to read the documentation that had been sent to me, that the new job was not going to be taking taxes out of my pay, that is up to me. What that means (and something I was not fond of the last time I was in such a situation), is that you get larger paychecks, but you don't get to keep it all, at least not if you don't want to end up owing a shitload of money on your tax return the next year (rather than getting a refund). In my situation, this little quirk effectively reduces my hourly payrate by $3.50 per hour. That means instead of rolling in the riches like I had though, I'm actually only a few hundred dollars ahead of my expenses. And that's assuming nothing unexpected comes up (which is totally possible).

So, I stupidly went on a spending spree before I had even received a paycheck (oh yeah, and I don't get paid bi-weekly, I get paid on the 1st and 15th, another thing I do not like about contract work), which means that now that I've backed myself into a financial corner, to the point where I have to use my VISA for everything temporarily, it's going to create a worse delay for catching up and getting back on track (and beginning to actually SAVE). In one week I pretty much set myself back by a month.

But knowing this, it will be quite easy to avoid spending temptations. I will behave because I know I must. And once things get back on track, I will remember to be smarter and not just go OOH MONEY! *spend spend spend*. There's a voice in my head literally saying "just spend like $300, get the half dozen board games on your wishlist, and then there's nothing left that you really want to buy, so there won't be any temptation anymore!". I need to ignore that voice. It already got me in trouble. Part of my plan for when things are on track, is to set aside a bit of money for each month, enough to either buy 1 big game or 2-3 smaller ones. If I can behave and follow that, in about 3 or 4 months I should be able to get most or all of the games I want and theoretically I can focus on saving completely. I also want to take music lessons again and know they are costly, depending on how often you take them and with who.

On the plus side, this new job isn't strictly 9-5. I can work whatever hours I want really, so long as I'm getting things done and putting in full days. Since I now only have class 1 night a week and it's an easy class (no studying or homework), I don't see why I can't try and put in some overtime for a little while, get myself back on track faster. Today I didn't even log 7 hours (longer than expected department lunch break and couldn't stay late due to class), so the rest of this week I am going to try and come in early and stay till normal quitting time. I get up early anyways and don't usually have anything particular good to do in the mornings, so why not get an early start and earn some extra dough? Unless I get told after a few days or a couple weeks not to do this (ie if they don't want me working more than 40 hours a week), I can potentially do this for the next 2 months, as my school load won't pick up again until May.

Besides, they keep telling me the finance department is swamped and behind, so if I say "hey I'm going to work an extra hour most days, so let me help you catch up/lighten the load" I don't imagine they'll say no. And even if I can only work overtime for 2 or 3 weeks before they tell me to chill out, it will still get me ahead faster. I guess the one potentially drawback of that is I don't want to get so engrossed in things that when and if I need to pull back to focus on school again, or to give myself a bit of a rest to not burn out, it might be a bit more difficult, but who knows. For now, I'm going to go for it. Besides, I have to make up for my terrible financial behaviour recently. I absolutely should have known better, since I just finished reading a book about investing and poor financial habits. And I'm reading another one now.

But man, it really was nice for just a few days to be able to buy myself full, fulfilling meals and to finally buy a board game I have wanted for a while and know I'm going to get alot of use of with my friends.

Anyways, that's a longish update for me. I have actually not been nearly as active online lately, which is kind of nice actually, but I don't want to let it completely slip. I'm hoping I can manage to balance working overtime, still being social (not being too tired), and still have enough down time and time to work on various personal and creative projects.

We shall see!

Perhaps I will start writing blogs in the mornings before work. I don't really have anything else to do but watching tv/read stuff online anyways.

Dammit. I just realized I have to pretty much be asleep in the next 56 mins. I'm not sure that's going to happen...

Coming of Age+Music / The perceived value of possessions

2011-02-27T04:55:00.000-08:00

Last night I was writing a response on a message board, on the whole Dredg issue that I posted about recently, the whole "Chuckles and Mr Squeezy" debacle.

After a few days I'm not nearly as bothered by it. I still think it's a dumb title and the album cover is also dumb, but whatever.

And as I wrote, I essentially stumbled upon another revelation.

This has a connection to my dealing with my growing age. Not that I feel old, just that more and more things are reminding me just how much time has passed and I still feel like I have not done as much as I should have in that amount of time and I'm voraciously trying to make up for that.

Here was my ever so eloquent explanation for my feelings on the issue:

I'm at a point where I can finally enjoy something if I think it sounds good (kind of like most people) without having to criticize and tear it apart and judge it so much. I'm pleasantly surprised by stuff that seems of a certain calibre but it's not always necessary anymore.

The difference is clearly when I'm already invested in something... Like dredg. If this was a new album by some band I didn't really know, or know that well, it would be somewhat different. Does anyone remember how much I freaked out over "Paralyzer"? To me that signalled the beginning of the end for Finger Eleven, and I did ultimately lose all my interest in them, they went from being the first band I truly idolized in high school to completely letting me down and I had to come to grips with the loss of a 'musical loved one'. Mind you, The Pariah, The Parrot, The Delusion [Dredg, not F11] came out in a point of my life where I wasn't really super engaged in music (and even now I can still get into new stuff but I don't feel the same desire to really absorb it into myself/make it a part of me and what defines me like I used to, now it's more of a passive experience than an active one most of the time) so it wasn't like OMG AWESOME NEW DREDG, it was just 'oh cool, new dredg album and it's good'. Now I realize music is just music, you enjoy it or you don't. It takes so much energy to care to the point of ranting and raving.

I'm admittedly kind of disappointed that I don't care as much about music anymore, as it had been part of what defined me for years. I was jokingly called a music nazi by a few of my friends, and it was fair at the time. And I still do care about the integrity of art/music, but as I pointed out I think it really comes down to whether or not I was already invested in it. I guess as bands that I was into in my prime years [in this example I'm referring to the age range roughly 17-24] seem to be (or potentially be) dropping like flies, it just kind of feels like part of me is dying and I feel the need to fight to keep it alive.

This last year has been more coming of age and maturing for me than ever before and I think it's causing some brain stretching. I think it would be interesting if there was a discussion forum for that, haha. "Music fans: 10 years later". It's been 10 years since I really got into music and started playing it myself. It's pretty wild to look back on.

Sometimes I surprise myself in how I am just writing honestly, stream of consciousness and it's kind of like there's a narrator in my head who sometimes takes over and kind of spits out sentences that I then read back and go "wow, I really nailed the sentiment on that issue and it just kind of came to me". And alot of those sentences have either originated here on this blog, or been included here after their conception (like in this case). If I write something, and I know it's true but I don't ultimately like it, I'll still document it anyway because it will then serve as a reminder that something needs to be changed. And I can look back on it months or years later and go either 'wow I've come so far' or 'hmm, still have to work on that issue'.

But what I typed last night in that forum post, it's so true. I sit here and look at my CD shelf. I stopped adding to it years ago, and there's alot of albums I wish were on there, but they're on my computer. And after so many years of not being able to afford CDs and knowing they're a dying medium, I now have the inner debate... do I keep these CDs because they mean something to me, or do I sell them and make some extra space for something else? It's amazing how much we can end up defining ourselves by something we own. As I told a friend recently, if I woke up and my apartment was on fire and I had basically 30 seconds to grab shit and get out, it would probably be my backup hard drive (at any given time usually at least 90-98% of what I have on my computer that is important/irreplaceable) and my guitar.

It's funny too, because since moving out on my own, I've learned to look at possessions differently. It went from "I can keep everything because there's lots of storage space in the parental unit's house" (while I still lived there) to "oh, I've got limited space now, I can't really bring anything new in" to "okay, now I have too much so stuff has to come out so I don't get buried in an avalanche of junk Armin Tamzarian style. I went from packratism to hyper organized/efficientism.

But as I look around my room... guitar amp, printer, xbox, DVR, tv, DVDs, clothes (including dozens of band shirts), books, CDs... if there was a fire, I'd be losing thousands of dollars of stuff, but honestly, how much/often do I really use alot of this stuff? I remember the time when I used to look at my collection of band DVDs and be proud of it. I used to think 'hey when someone comes over they're gonna get to see all the awesome bands I like. Same with my CD rack. Clearly, I love ISIS cause I own more CDs by them than anyone else. But really, these things don't matter. My life revolves around my computer (which fortunately is backed up in portable fashion via the hard drive) and music, which really if I had to choose between CDs and instruments, the instruments win, because I can play them even without a CD player/amp, I can provide entertainment for myself or others... it's kind of like if you asked a painter "in a fire would you save your finished paintings or your painting supplies?". I think they'd say the latter so they can keep creating. Sure I could buy a new guitar, and new CDs, but like I said, I'm connected to that guitar. Those CDs are just decorations. They don't change or evolve, whereas what I can do with that guitar is virtually limitless. God, this really is making me want to sell just about everything I own and move into the forest LOL.

But seriously... everytime I look around this room, I see things I want to keep because I would like to use them again one day, but I also want to get rid of because I'd rather have some money from them that I could put towards things that matter to me right now. I guess I'm at the stage where I can accept that giving up something that I've gotten my fair share of enjoyment out of for something new that I'll get alot of enjoyment/benefit from is worth it. Some things I am surprised I've held onto this long.

Taxes... the thing we all love to hate

2011-02-27T04:54:00.001-08:00

It seems kind of ironic in retrospect, I took a tax class last fall, planning to work doing tax returns this spring, and instead I ended up really disliking the class (I even dropped out because I fell behind and it was the least priority of all my work/scholastic commitments at the time) and when I was job hunting back in January, I found a place that said they could use me for doing tax returns and I was really iffy. To me it was "I dislike this so much, I'd rather flip burgers than do tax returns".

Then a friend asked me the other day if I could do her tax return. I thought about it and laboured over my response and finally said "I *could* do it but I don't even want to do my own". I suggested the place I'd taken my tax course, and explained why. At the end of that email (to be pasted below) I was like "man, I really gushed about them". Or rather, despite hating the course and dropping out and not wanting to ever do tax returns for a living, I *did* learn something from that course and in retrospect I can actually give some advice about taxes that is helpful to people.

If you do decide to go to there (which I recommend), you'll definitely want to bring as much supporting documentation as possible. The more info they have, the more money they can potentially find for you. Actually if you go there, I recommend asking them questions. Like if you think something might count for you, ask about it, or ask if there are any common tax breaks that people qualify for but don't know about. They're supposed to kind of partially interview you to try and figure out that kind of thing anyways but if you feed them information it can help.

The thing I learned in the course is that there are ALOT of things that may apply to people as far as tax credits and such go, and alot of people don't know about them so they miss out. I think in the class we looked at different scenarios and you can easily miss something and lose out on several hundred bucks (if not over a thousand) in your return. And there are times when you qualify for both a tax credit and an income reduction but can only choose 1 and it's not always that 1 is better than the other (depends on the amount though generally lowering your income is better because it means you were supposed to pay less tax in the first place). That was part of what made the course so hard was trying to learn all the exceptions and being able to figure out what applies and what doesn't when different parameters overlap (just all the different rules related to marital status alone were complicated). So yeah, I recommend them because their people *have* to know their shit (you have to get an 80 in the course to get a job there, and that's no small feat) and they will try to find out as many of the tax breaks that apply to you as possible (or at least they're supposed to, I went there with an ex once and the guy working that day didn't really ask alot of questions, I think it was near the end of the day so he was probably tired but still, not doing his job completely). So try to find all the papers you can!

Man... I hated that course but I obviously did learn something from it. And I now trust HR more than pretty much any other tax place because as far as I know, alot of tax places are run by accountants or former accountants, whereas I believe their employees are required to be re-tested every couple of years to make sure they are keeping up with tax code changes. So if I don't do mine myself, I'd go there. I feel a bit like a tool for gushing about them but they earned my respect.

To be honest, after writing this email I found myself thinking "I kind of want to give it a second try". I think had I not been overwhelmed when I took the course (it was significantly more intensive than I was expecting), I could have finished and passed. I have to take a taxation class for my actual accounting certificate, so I'll see how that goes (I'm expecting to be taking that later this year) but maybe I'll try taking the other course again. I think my being overwhelmed really significantly contributed to my dislike of it, and now I can see in giving advice to a friend that yeah, I did learn something, I can see the value in the knowledge and it doesn't hurt me to learn it even if I don't go on to do it professionally. But I mean, I am learning accounting (which includes taxes) and I want to learn finance (investing and such), so eventually I'll have a good rounded block of knowledge/experience which will be very valueable both to me and those I choose to help with it. I essentially intend to become a financial jack of all trades kind of like right now I'm a general jack of all trades (varied work and school experience).

I wanted to write this blog because I felt it was significant that despite my sour feelings about the course, I am mature enough to realize I'm not angry at the company who provided it, I wouldn't say bad things about them, it was just the combination of circumstances at the time and the fact that I had seen that as my solution to my job problem and when I realized not only was I not going to do that as a job but I certainly didn't WANT to either, it left a really bad taste in my mouth.

But these days I'm getting better and better about thinking/planning ahead and trying to take control of my future and steer it where I want it to go.

And as I've been told more than once before, if you understand taxes, how they affect people and business, and how to 'work around' them (legally) in the most copaesthetic way possible, you'll be a very useful/valueable person.

work = tired brain

2011-02-24T17:07:00.000-08:00

I wrote about three 1/2 blog posts today on my phone, but at this point I have neither the energy nor will to email them to myself and finish typing them. So they'll get finished another day.

I'm hoping I have the mental capacity after work tomorrow to actually study for my midterm on saturday, and then on sunday when I'm not out all day (like I will be sat), I can study for my monday mid term.

I wish I could say I was having a fun/exciting week, but for the most part so far it hasn't been. I'm dreadfully afraid that this job is going to end up leaving me with daily migraines, if today was any indication. That would be bad for obvious reasons. I mean sure I can be productive most of the day at work, but then my evenings would be shot cause I am pretty useless/non-functional with a migraine.

Random Observation Time (redux)

2011-02-24T04:16:00.000-08:00

Okay, so as my brain is one to do, it notices things that ultimately don't matter, and begins to ponder their implications.

I just noticed the date is 2/24. My brain goes 'hey, it's 2 months since christmas'. And then of course I realized how quickly after people stop thinking/caring about that once it has passed, and how ridiculous that is considering how much and long the hype leading up to it is.

I find it frustrating that we have come to a point in society where we always have to worry/think about 'what holiday is next'. Ie, valentines day just passed, next is st. patrick's day, easter, mother's day (these might not be in order, I try not to care so much to KNOW the order/dates), Canada Day... It's just a string of dates that mean something. And most people fall in line to go with whatever custom/tradition has been established for a given day.

Hell, I'm a proud Canadian, but even I feel like a sheeple if I get dressed up in all Canadian gear, wave a mini flag and say "eh" and "aboot" all day. It's not necessary. The only difference between us and the US in this respect is practically just rednecks, and instead of "America, FUCK YEAH" it would be "Canada, You're darn right!". You can take pride in your nationality without becoming a billboard for "Canadiana". There's nothing wrong with going to the lake for fireworks, my protest is the people who claim to be proud 'n' out loud canadians but save all that out loud for 0.0027% of the year (1/365). And I'm not going to pretend I'm not guilty of this in some respects. I am. So I point this out and I include myself as part of the problem. I'm trying to get away from the hyper nationalism (because really the country you were born in has nothing to do with your merits, flaws or anything) and find my own ways to celebrate what I feel is important.

I have complained before about St. Patrick's day, as I see it just an excuse for people to get ridiculously drunk and be unapologetic about it.

I'm less opposed to things like veteran's day, which actually celebrate something noble, and mother's day, or days in honour of people who did something significant for the good of mankind (M.L.K for instance). But really, I feel that the world would be better off without christmas, v-day (or at least what it has become), halloween... And I say anyone who protests, it's probably because they have some of their sense of self wrapped up in these things. I am trying to define myself in such a way that does not require external validation, and I admit it's not easy (I may never get to the point I want to ultimately) but I think it's for the best. But of course I'm a minority and alot of people think these various holidays are cute and fun and traditional, they enjoy them.

I say forge your own traditions. Then you can control the experience and keep it free of bias, consumerism and keep your values in check. Plus, you might actually inspire some other people to do the same. The reason I know these holidays will not go away, at least not in my lifetime, is because most people love them and have no problem with them. I'm not complaining just because it almost always means spending, which I've been mostly unable to do for a while, it's also what these things mean, what they represent. Consumerism finds a way to sink it's claws in and slowly drag things down until everyone just instinctively knows "oh I have to buy x for this day".

I know I'm not saying anything new here really, but even with v-day, it's a perfect example of people's worth tied up in something artificial. Many girls are programmed to think if their boyfriend/husband doesn't get them a huge bouquet of roses, chocolates, jewellery, that he doesn't love her (she wasn't worth it to him), that he's selfish, that he's probably cheating and got them for someone else instead. That's not right. At the same time, there's lots of assholes out there who don't deserve the women they're with, and on the brink of getting dumped they run out and buy something nice and get a 'relationship extension'. And there are possibilities in between. First thing: People need to know and understand their own worth. They also need to understand their partner to the point where they know how to make them feel loved and special WITHOUT buying flowers, jewellery or candy. In a perfect world... but anyways, this is something I am really trying to work on for myself, because I don't want to get into a situation where I'm with someone who also needs external validation like I do, at which point neither of us will be able to help the other. We'll become co-dependent. Truthfully I think that's potentially unavoidable in my case as I feel that trait is deeply ingrained, but I'm trying! Heck, if I was really that co-dependent I wouldn't have been able to learn to cope with being single, which I have for most of my life (another reason I hate v-day, though the last couple years I've just ignored it).

Anyways, I've ranted enough, this is a subject I could go on about for hours. My point - make your own traditions, be your own person, live your life the way you want (this might conflict with the other 2, but hey if you're hopelessly attached to pre-set traditions and that makes you happy, well whatever, I can't do anything about that).

Apologies in advance, you'll understand why in a minute

2011-02-23T18:33:00.000-08:00

I was listening to a podcast today and one of the hosts (who actually works at an Apple Store Genius Bar, was commenting about how stupid/ignorant many of the customers can be.

It occurred to me that Mac users (and Apple fanboys in general) tend to be very elitist, as though they are inherently more intelligent simply because they are going against the grain of society. Forget the fact that one day Mac might actually become the market leader, in which case all these "anti-establishment hipsters" will become "the man" (oh the irony, almost makes me wish Apple had top market share right now), but when you're doing something because you think the 'most common way' (ie windows/PCs) is inferior, less efficient, it's supposed to be because you THOUGHT it through, weighed the pros and cons, and decided 'yes, product A has these flaws and inadequacies that product B does not have'. You came to a logical, rational, reasoned out conclusion.

If you're using product B *just because* it's "cool", well you sir are a fucking TOOL. And you have no right to act all snobby and self righteous. And I have every right to laugh at you when you take your product B for tech support because you are inherently LESS intelligent in that you say, put your iProduct through the washing machine, or whathaveyou.

I get a little but of karmic justice alone in the fact that iComputers cost twice as much as their desktop counterparts, for little to no tangible benefit. ("workflow" is not a standard so STOP claiming that your iSore provides better workflow)

The point I am trying to make is that elitists aren't supposed to be stupid. Many of them ARE, due to ignorance, but theoretically they're supposed to be elitists because they realize, through critical thinking, that the thing they choose to support is infact, undisputably the best.

So why are iProduct users elitist, and PC users are not? Well, iUsers love to laugh and taunt and tease when a PC crashes, as if it NOT crashing would be a surprising occurrence. To the point where I've heard iUsers react as though they were unceremoniously drafted into the army without any notice, when they encounter what I like to call "the spinning colour wheel of death". Yes, and everytime I experience it, it makes me smile. Yes, your infallible silver iSore can crash too, and it happens more often than you'd like to admit, but it does happen. The other thing I've noticed is that generally it's not hard to tell how/why a PC crashed or froze. Macs tend to be the opposite. In my experience it always seemed to be the machine's temperament. This also amuses me, since primarily "artists" love them, and artists themselves are inherently tempermental (I can say this because I am not excluding myself from that statement).

PCs are almost like Dogs. They're pretty reliable, you treat them well, maybe once in a while they do something stupid like chase their tail for hours (get the loose metaphor?), but generally you know what to expect and you get a capable companion. Macs definitely seem more like cats to me. No matter how well you treat them, how much you try to earn their respect, if they are having a prissy day, well fuck, you're going to have to put up with it. Cause that's just how cats are.

Alright, I'm done putting down iSheeple. I'm secure in my PChood. And I'd rather have a pink PC anyday than any Mac, no matter how top of the line/customized.

Good idea + poor execution = failure

2011-02-22T17:42:00.000-08:00

I was talking to a friend the other day and mentioned Diaspora, which I first heard about a couple years ago, it was supposed to be like facebook, but each user has complete control and ownership of their content/page.

It was exactly what I was looking for and would have been the perfect place to jump ship to and finally close my facebook account.

Well, I tried to sign up for their mailing list, but either they've never sent anything out via email, or their system is totally broken. I am now more inclined to believe the latter, as one of the people working on the project emailed me directly, long story short, the whole project is apparently still in developer alpha state. IE only people who can help develop can 'try' it. I'm no expert on software/web platform development cycles, but I'm guessing this project is still at least a year if not more, away from any kind of public use. Which is sad, because when it was announced it sounded fantastic and I was really excited about it. Now it seems to me like the developers were a little over-ambitious, and with the complete lack of updates about the project (so far as I can tell), they've let all the buzz die and their response to inquiries such as mine is incredibly disappointing.

I still hope they can get it together and give people an alternative to facebook, because I'm certainly not in a position to create a facebook killer.

Sigh.

The 3 album rule

2011-02-22T12:22:00.000-08:00

So, there's this band I like called Dredg. No, that's not a typo. You might be thinking "that's a dumb name", and they probably sound like a metal band, or a band with dark music (dredging doesn't tend to conjure the nicest mental imagery), but infact they are progressive art rock.

And soon they will be releasing their 5th album. And I'm embarassed to tell you what they've decided to call it.

First, a brief history lesson. Their albums so far, all concept albums:
1. Leitmotif - "Leitmotif has our narrator on a personal journey, to find himself, and heal his soul from a moral disease. He must learn about different cultures and experience things from out-side the box."
2. El Cielo (Spanish for" The Sky") - "El Cielo is the biography of awakening from the paralysis that the narrator was stuck in during Leitmotif and his encounters with other people. This album is the reaction to Leitmotif, it’s the response to those events, and each song corresponds with its respective journal entry and flows aurally with the words in it. Where Leitmotif focused the narrator’s attention on healing himself, El Cielo has the narrator using what he has learned to help change those things, and others in the world around him."
3. Catch Without Arms - "The new album seems to be about the struggle to maintain the changes he has made; with the positive aspects of those changes, and the negative ones as well. Our character seems frustrated by the realization that everything has good and bad sides, growth/decay, birth/death, day/night, light/dark, awake/sleeping, summer/winter, man/woman, hot/cold, heaven/earth, sun/moon, fire/water, +/-, etc... Each can be dangerous or useless by itself, but harnessed with its opposite, they operate in harmony ----- they balance each other out"
4. The Pariah, The Parrot, The Delusion - I don't actually have a writeup for this album (the stuff in quotes for the other three is stuff I found on a dredg fansite years ago and saved into a text file), but needless to say, they continued the trend with a concept, exploring ideas and trying to evolve those ideas. Here's a sample lyric from the first song "Pariah":
Oh, delusions / Are meant to justify, justify the things you do
Oh, delusions / Never really qualified, qualified as an excuse
(yes this is a reference to religious people being delusional)

So, what about the new album? Why am I posting this? First off, I want to say that I *know* that an album title does not necessarily have anything to do with the music. Pink Floyd could have called "The Wall", "The Crapper". It wouldn't have been any less good. That said, when a band has established a certain level of intellect, of creativity, you can't help but be surprised when you find out their next project, or offering to the world is titled...

"Chuckles and Mr. Squeezy".

Seriously.

It makes me embarrassed to be a fan, and if the album DOES end up being good, I feel like I'm going to get questioned/laughed at whenever I say the name of the album, especially to people who don't know the band, I couldn't blame them for snickering, or looking at me quizzically for saying "hey, you should check out this album Chuckles and Mr Squeezy by a band called Dredg, it's really good".

The debate currently where I found this album title announcement, is "do they even give a shit anymore?". Like it sounds like they decided it was too much work to think of a less ridiculous album title, maybe this made them laugh, and admittedly it WILL get them more press, but it certainly isn't going to help their credibility.

That said, I can say that they've delivered enough quality music over the course of 4 albums that I no longer demand another 'masterpiece' from them. I feel they've earned the right to go do whatever the fuck they want. And if I don't like it, whatever. Usually I get grumpy when a really awesome band only puts out one or two great albums and then an above average one and then a string of mediocrity... The general rule I've come to adopt is "you're lucky to get 3 good to great albums from any band, after their 3rd album, it's most likely you won't really like anything else they do". So yeah, getting 3 solid albums and 1 pretty decent but not great one, Dredg have earned it. Yes, I know I'm being a really entitled prick of a fan, but believe me, before I came to accept the 3 album rule, I was alot worse. I'd still be bitching up down and sideways by album 5 or 6 that 'man they really suck now where is Album #1b or 2b?!'. I realize now, especially being a musician myself and seeing how my own interests, desires and inspirations have changed and evolved over time, the only artists who don't change their sound/style over time are the ones who only ever had 1 album's worth of anything to say, and they just keep repeating that because that's how shallow the well was.

On the flipside, when you discover a band late in the game, on their 4th or 5th album, and you like what they're doing now, but don't like their original style, that still tends to lend to the 3 album rule, where you'll probably find 3 or 4 of their middle career albums you dig but the first 2 or 3, and maybe the most recent one won't do it for you.

It's definitely a rare thing when a band can evolve their style over time but still be doing something you like, or even be doing something you like more. ISIS are a rare example for me. Each of there 5 studio albums have the core 'ISIS' vibe that makes it what it is, but there's enough variety, experimentation and evolution from album to album that keeps it interesting and gives each album kind of it's own vibe/mood, infact I listen to each one for unique reasons/mindsets. From the sludgy, dissonant aggression of their first album, to the spacey calmness of their middle album to the dark and abstract eclecticism of their last album...

ISIS is usually my go-to for background music when concentrating on an artistic project like graphic design, writing HTML, editing photographs...

I'm designing a board game!

2011-02-20T19:46:00.000-08:00

I was playing a board game today with some people and out of nowhere, my brain suddenly went, hey, I think I could adapt one of my favourite movies into a board game!

I got home a little over an hour ago and have been working on my idea for probably about an hour.

I don't want to give anything away yet but I'm excited and I think this could be pretty cool. I can't wait to iron out a rough draft and playtest it!

For 16 year old me.

2011-02-20T05:41:00.000-08:00

I forgot that I sent myself related thoughts via email separately from that last chunk. Prepare for more motivational type speaking!

I have realized the difference in the psychology of goals vs trying to 'fill a void' (aka chasing a want that isn't clearly defined, like "I want to be happier"). A goal gives you something to shoot for and you know when you've achieved it, trying to fill a void/want/need/expectation may be a moving target or the parameters may change if not clearly defined.

In pushing myself to be more confident I'm seeing huge results. Before, in trying to be less shy/afraid was yielding less results. One makes you feel like you've upgraded yourself, the other only makes you feel like you've broken even.

Setting goals may sound cheesy, I know I resisted the idea for a while, but then one day when I was told to look back over 5 years and review what I had accomplished, *without* specifically setting a pile of goals, just having more general ideas of what I ultimately wanted, it astounded me. I realized if you acctually set goals, its inevitable that you'll accomplish even more.

Fear *is* the mindkiller. Since I have really begun to make efforts to confront my fears and push myself, I've seen major results, and these changes are permanent. Once you learn to not be afraid of something anymore, you aren't suddenly going to become afraid of it again, because you'll know you can do it. Unless of course we're talking about the difference between say, jumping a bike over a river vs over a canal, but then you just need to be smart and safe about it.
Anyways..

We are the main people limiting ourselves. If you want to do something, do it. If someone tells you that you can't, you can choose to prove them wrong, if you want to. I have fought the advice of friends and family for years but ultimately I held out for what I believed I wanted and I'm proud of myself. It wasn't easy, and there's some advice I *should* have taken, but in the end I learned the lesson and it's all good.

The things I am currently trying to do, the ways in which I am trying to push myself, I decided to dedicate these efforts to 16 year old me. He never really had a chance. He deserved better.

Adam is becoming a part time motivational speaker

2011-02-20T04:50:00.000-08:00

A recent email exchange with a friend really got me going. He has made comments of late to the effect that he has noticed I've changed as a person, while I kind of took it more negatively (based on the context in which he was noticing the change), he says it was more just that he can tell I am not the same person he met/knew back when I still lived in my hometown (where he still resides).

I'm going to share what I said in that email here, as both a reminder to myself and as an example to everyone else. I still feel kinda silly about it, but alot of the things motivational speakers say are true, and when you can tap into that stuff, you can become quite the powerhouse in whatever avenue you choose.

I've also been gaining alot of confidence lately, which obviously was boosted by getting this new job, but even aside from that, I'm getting much more aggressive about going after the things I want and trying to think of ways to challenge myself and challenge my fears and evolve as a person. I'm also trying an experiment with the idea of putting myself out in public more and trying to be the most pleasant, confident, interesting, fun person I can be, and try to draw people to me, instead of the old tactic of trying to suck up to the cool people in social situations and try to ride their coat tails. That scene was old before I even got there. I remember a while back hearing a phrase to the extent of 'why try to be the next Brad Pitt when you can be the first _insert your name_'. That's kind of the idea I've been going for lately. I'm kind of hoping that not only will I attract more people to me in general, but that I will attract more women to myself and be able to take my pick, vs the old norm of chasing one at a time and getting really bummed out when she didn't go for me. You know, putting all my eggs in one basket.

I have changed. I'm trying to walk the fine line between confident, self-sufficient and independent and not fall into the trap of becoming arrogant, egotistical, and oblivious. I am really noticing a difference in how I feel and how people react to me now that I've forcibly changed my attitude and approach and am trying things differently. I'm honestly in disbelief half the time now at what I am able to do that I couldn't before, initiating conversations with total strangers, with women. I have a new mantra: "have no expectations", just start with a simple question, and build upon it. Just enjoy the exchange for what it is, and be pleasantly surprised if it evolves beyond that. No expectations means no disappointments and takes the pressure off. I used to only want to talk to people if they had something interesting to say (or if I wanted them to like me), and I wouldn't start that dialogue most of the time, I'd ignore them until they said or did something that caught my attention, and THEN pursue. Now I am more actively canvassing people to pick their brains and see what they're all about (both ideas and personality wise). People are interesting. Well, not all of them, but many of them. I think I am also learning that certain questions yield better results. And it's alot easier for me to tell if someone isn't really interested in talking, or is too shy/nervous (a feeling I can easily empathize with) and I won't push too much. But I can't deny as evidenced by my recent actions that confidence is king, whether real or not. It gets you noticed, it gets people talking to you and wanting to be around you and it tends to be inspiring. The only achilles heel of it really is that when you're already down on the ground, you can't just go from 0-100 in confidence, it has to be built, but if it can be maintained, you're cruising. I got fed up, I started to push forward, building up confidence and now I feel kind of like I can accomplish just about whatever I want. I've changed yes, for the better I believe, but I couldn't change before I was ready to, and it turned out that through various pain and frustration I've suffered over the last 6 months, a switch in my head finally just flipped and it became very important to me to be ABLE to be confident in social situations. I decided it's an important skill to at least have at the ready but not have to use vs struggling and fumbling with it when it really counts. I'm admittedly quite energized by the way things have been going lately and the progress I'm making and that it's only getting easier as I go along, and I almost want to write a book, but that horse has totally been beaten to death, so it really wouldn't serve much purpose.

It's really all about mindset... infact, I think my job hunt was actually made easier when I accepted and was willing to go back to a McJob. I feel like even if I had to go back to a place like DcMonalds, I *know* I'd be the best damn employee there and totally show up all their other employees. I feel like they would either say 'you're over qualified, get out of here' or they'd say 'you should be a manager'. I don't yet feel that way about accounting, but it is my goal to get there. One of my new goals in life is basically to be better than I need to be at the things I want to do, so I don't have to stress about doing them normally, but can still turn up the heat if need be to put on a show.

Like I said, I just got to a point where I was fed up with being held back, partly by myself and partly by the system as it stands. So I've been changing the half of that equation that I can, and trying to learn to better adapt to the system and play by it's rules.

So there you have it...

Scrolling in Japanese

2011-02-18T12:48:00.000-08:00

This post is literally only a placeholder/reminder. The moment where I had something to say about what it is in reference to seems to have passed, but I might have something to say later, so this is a reminder for myself.

Disregard this post.

Sugar reduction - to be a less sweet person

2011-02-18T08:33:00.000-08:00

You are what you eat afterall.

I have started yet another experiment. This one wasn't one I was planning for a long time, it just kind of occurred to me a couple days ago and I'm giving it a whirl.

What happened was I believe I was in class, drinking a couple juice boxes that I had brought, and eating some cookies/frosted mini wheats cereal (yes, very healthy eh?), and out of nowhere my brain decided to take notice that there is 21g of sugar per 200 mL juice box, and I have no idea how much sugar is in the cookies or the mini wheats.

It seems pointless for me to take notice of, and actually CARE about this all of a sudden, since I know my sugar intake has always been my biggest vice (I don't do caffeine, I don't drink or do drugs, I don't over-eat), but I guess since I've always had it in the back of my mind that abusing sugar consumption can either cause, or significantly contribute to the development of diabetes, which I know my Dad has and my grandmother also had, so it already runs in the family. I've always eaten/consumed alot of sugar, and my body started to kind of react to it a few years back.

Short story time. Skittles are my favourite candy in the world. I have not had skittles in years. The reason for that is because there's apparently SO MUCH refined sugar in one package of skittles, that by the time I finish eating a bag, my teeth hurt. Like honestly, they hurt. And I'm temporarily MUCH more sensitive to the temperature of other foods. I decided that was obviously a sign I should stop eating them, and so I did. I've also noticed in the last several years that my tolerance for sugar isn't huge. I have specifically requested for at least 3 or 4 years now to not have a birthday cake slathered in icing with whipped creme. It gives me an upset stomach really fast, and I also find I tend to have a sugar crash pretty quickly/easily. I also cut pop out of my diet several years ago. I didn't notice any significant difference in the way I felt. And I suspect I won't really notice any difference now either, but I know that less sugar in (or at least, less processed/refined sugar) is good. I know my teeth are in bad shape from sugar abuse (and that can't be repaired).

When I was in that moment realizing that the 2 juice boxes I was drinking was equivalent to basically 1.5 cans of pop, I guess I realized "I've taken up the pop habit again, just in a different form". And I realized how much I eat cookies, and other things with alot of sugar in them, and I decided "I really need to reign this in".

I should probably do some research to find out just how much sugar is good/bad for you, but as I said, it isn't a BAD thing that I'm trying to cut down regardless. If I find out that I'm safe to consume 100g of sugar a day and turns out I'm only consuming 80 on average, well then great, let's keep it that way. I'm not going to intentionally reach the ceiling on purpose.

I think what I might need to watch out for now would be salt abuse. I think I have a tendency to have sugar cravings followed by salty cravings. I think it's my brain trying to achieve some sort of balance. Like sometimes i'll be eating cookies and then I decide I want to chase them with potato chips. I've gone from eating soup and crackers to pop tarts. I know salt is bad for your heart and high blood pressure, so that's not good either. Though I don't think I have to worry as much there, because provided I don't go to a fast food place and get a combo meal, the worst I eat regularly are chips (potato and tortilla) and crackers (ritz and soup).

I'm hoping that with this new job, it will be easier to manage my eating habits. I have been wanting to formulate a more stable, easily regulatable diet/meal plan. Prepare lunches to take to work, and cook something when I get home (if I can). Otherwise, i'll get food out but I'll try and behave. And I'll need to resist the urge when I pass the corner store to grab a kit kat (possibly my second favourite candy in the world) or a powerade.

I'm proud of myself so far. It's been 3 days and I have behaved very well in regards to sugar consumption. I thought about tracking it but without having been tracking what my consumption WAS, the new numbers won't mean alot. Although I do have a friend I can ask about this who can probably save me some research efforts.

I really am looking forward to this new job, as I know when I don't have stability in my life I eat more, and I eat less healthy. I'll probably end up spending more on food now, but I will try to make a conscious effort to make that spending count more towards healthier choices. It would be a shame if I went to all the trouble to not smoke or drink or abuse drugs or be a couch potato if I ended up still shortening my life significantly from poor eating.

Attitude - it's the most important thing

2011-02-17T06:11:00.000-08:00

You know how when you're younger your parents give you advice and you either think they're flat wrong, or you just don't care enough to listen at the time? And then they turn out to be right? And then a friend ends up confronting the same situation and you try to give them the advice and they think you sound lame and don't want to listen?

I find myself in an interesting place. I just got a new job, but I've been on 5 interviews in the last month. 3 of them went "well".

It came up amongst some friends, that interview questions, at least specific ones, are: (choose your favourite: lame, condescending, irrelevant).

I responded by starting with the phrase "let me play devil's advocate here".

See, I've been battling my sister on this for years. It took me a while to figure out (and accept) that to get where you want to be, with the people who are there, you have to play their game. To get into a frat, you have to go through an initiation, to get onto a sports team, you have to make the cut in training camp, to get into a company, you have to pass the interview(s). I've always felt "I know I can do this job, if only the interview could be to put me at a work station and let me go", but that's not how it works. You have to play their game.

I feel so uncool saying this, but I understand the rules of the interview game alot better now, and so when I see someone complaining about a question and it seems like they just don't really understand the hidden meaning (or doublespeak) of it, I can totally get the frustration, and I don't mean to defend a practice that admittedly is two-faced and condescending at times, but in the end it's the attitude that matters. "Yes this is a dumb question and I wish they'd ask me what they really want to know", but if you want/need that job, you have to be creative, and you have to play their game, and you have to pretend to like it (helps if you actually do like a challenge-I certainly didn't at first). Even if being able to think on your feet, or think creatively is not even a skill required by the position (that was one of the main frustrations of these friends, questions that don't relate at all to the position), they'll still ask. There's gotta be a curveball or two right? They feel the need to test you in a variety of ways. Make it worth their while. It only takes one bad answer to sink you so they want to see if you can hold up in each area. I can understand why, even if I don't ultimately agree with it. But what I realized is that most people don't have good answers for some of these questions, and I know in past, there've been times where I've had a really good answer for one question, and really impressed the interviewers, even if the rest of my answers were average at best. That one good answer that everyone else missed can sometimes make the difference. But you've got to put in that little extra effort. One really bad answer can sink you, one really good one can sometimes get you to home plate.

And honestly, that was something I never even really did up until recently. My method of prepping for an interview for the last few years has been basically to not prepare much at all. Preparing makes me nervous. Trying to memorize answers stresses me out. I just review a few potential questions and go in. Not over-preparing or trying to memorize helps me relax and makes it easier for me to think fluidly off the top of my head. I'm naturally creative and naturally a problem solver, and I've found I actually quite enjoy thinking on my feet. I've prepared enough for the last 2 interviews that I actually started to enjoy the challenge of thinking of answers to tricky questions, and surprised myself a few times in doing so. I think I'm the opposite of most people though, where I often seem to do better when I don't prepare as much (this includes when it comes to tests). For me, it ultimately comes down to my stress level. In an interview, stress kills me, on the job it motivates me. I try to present myself as calm and collected in the interview as possible (which also looks good on me that a simple interview doesn't phase me) and then on the job I do my best not to let the bull buck me.

But recently that changed. When I reached the point where I was on the wire for potentially having to move back in with my parents cause I needed a damn job, I got serious. I started preparing. Because no matter how calm I might be, if I don't have a good answer, i'm screwed anyways. And plus, as usual, I was plagued by lack of experience. In some cases my personality/attitude can make up for that to an extent, but not always. But a few weeks ago I started getting more serious about my preparation, and then the perfect storm happened: I prepared for a hard interview with a serious company, and got an easy interview with a nice person. It's in those moments when it's easy to shine like a sonuvabitch.

It's funny, cause I still hate interviews, and am very glad that for at least 6 months I won't have to go on another one, but having been on several lately, and really beginning to appreciate them for what they are and how they work, I feel like I could give interview advice to people now. I could help coach them.

But the point I ultimately wanted to make was that sure, while I dislike interviews just as much as the next person, I smartened up, I changed my attitude about them, I learned to speak their language, play their game, read between the lines, play the part... and I don't have as much bitterness towards them anymore. I still totally get the frustrations of people but I realize, with many things in life, it's attitude that really makes the biggest difference. You may not like something, but if you can suck it up and do it anyway, you'll be better off.

Sadly, attitude isn't something that can be forced into people, they have to change their mind willingly, see the value of the change and want it. I've put myself through alot of hard times in the last few years because I was being stubborn. Ultimately I got where I wanted to be but not without alot of pain, detours and financial loss. I really want to try and minimize that kind of thing going forward.

I rebuilt my attitude towards interviews and jobs, and took my career more seriously. Now the big hurdle left for me is relationships. That one's gonna be a bit tougher though.

Finally, the Rock has COME BACK...

2011-02-13T16:30:00.000-08:00

Hooray for me for using a not only OLD reference, but one that I know not many people will get. It's a wrestling reference. I haven't watched wrestling in years FYI. But I digress.

So I'll keep this short.

I just got a call this morning in regards to an interview I had yesterday, and I start a 6 month contract next week. Which means that I get the next 6 days off, to do whatever I feel like. I don't even have class on Saturday or Monday in that span because of Family Day. I can pretty much sit around, watch tv/movies, play video games, listen to/write music all day every day for 6 days. Am I going to do that? Of course not. But it IS nice to not have to go sifting through dozens of job ads again. Infact I closed both firefox windows (with at least 30 tabs each) that had my jobsearching setup. And a google chrome window.

The great thing is that I've actually been in a better mood lately. Monday ended on a good note, tuesday I was glad to have off to prep for the interview, which went well, and now I know my financial health will very shortly be restored to a very healthy state. I managed to squeak through a really rough patch. I didn't behave quite as well as I would have liked as far as my goal of not buying food while out and about as much, and that's going to be a key goal moving forward, but anyway, for now I can relax and celebrate.

On that note, and with 6 days to fill (well, 5 and a half now technically), I began thinking 'what are some things I've wanted to do, but have been putting off either due to time restraints or financial restraints? So I'm working on a list, and I'm going to try and get down to business on this bucket list.

I have been itching to get back into music, which I had started to do this past weekend, and luckily get to continue to do now. I think I might even bust my keyboard out of the closet and try to get back into that. I have an album half recorded from 2 years ago that I really want to finish, and upon reviewing where the 'demo mixes' stand, they actually sound pretty good and I'm glad I won't have to do alot to finish the project. I have been contemplating the idea of writing a book of some kind recently, something to kind of look back at how much my life has changed in the last 2.5 years and what I've learned in that time, both about myself and about the world around me. I have other ideas as well.

I'm not sure about this blog. I say that only because last week, while working full time at a temp position, I didn't really have time for it. Now that I'm going to have stable employment, it's going to allow me to push forward in some ways socially which means I'll be home less, and thus potentially just writing on weekends, if at all. I know I have this list, but the truth is how dedicated I will ultimately be to each point on it.

The music will most likely make the cut, the social as well. I think the writing will probably end up on the backburner if anything. Although, there is something I plan to be doing on Sundays in the future that might help to inspire me to stop and write for a bit.

Stay tuned!

Where did he go? Oh, there he is.

2011-02-13T16:02:00.000-08:00

So yeah, it's been a week or so since I've written. This week I was working a temp position (and was only home before bedtime once in 5 days), which may or may not go another week, and despite flying pretty high on wednesday, I have once again fallen to the Sunday blahs. It's not really as simple as I'm making it sound, I had a 2 hour phone conversation with my sister today which was both good and bad, unfortunately it left me in a kind of defeated state (not her fault), and I never managed to bounce back. By 4:30pm I was feeling really tired, lethargic, just blah and useless. I went and had a shower and then an hour nap, and I still don't feel great. I'm tired, I feel highly unmotivated, I don't really even have the energy to act on any desire if I HAD any desire to act on, I just want the day to end so I can sleep and hopefully tomorrow will be more productive.

I decided to do some writing, partly to try and get my brain going, and partly to kill some time. Hopefully something good will come of it.

So positives for the week:
-I enjoyed working again, SO much. Having a reason to get up every morning and making myself useful breathed some much needed life into me. I had a great partner (also sent from the temp agency), the assignment was quite complex, but on the upside there was no possible way to make it any worse, so I didn't have to worry about that. I just had to do my best to clean things up with my partner.
-Despite a weak finish on Friday, I did get contacted for an interview next week for a position I know that I can do, and it's full time. The downside is it only pays minimum wage, but that's about the only downside from what I can assess. I'm going to throw all my weight at it and hopefully I can secure the position and end this job hunt for a little while.
-Up until yesterday, I was having a good week, riding my momentum, putting my newfound confidence to good use, and enjoying the rewards of my efforts and good attitude.

I hope that my funk today wears off and that this coming week holds more good news. I am returning tomorrow to the company I was temping at last week, along with my partner, to present our progress and see if we should continue working. I'm suspecting they will say no, but I might be wrong. The main issue is that the consensus between my partner and I at the end of Friday was that we don't think we're doing what we're supposed to be doing totally right, and we have not been able to figure out the problem. The result was 2 straight days of plugging away on the same thing, repeatedly thinking we'd cracked the nut, then realizing we had not. It became very soul crushing because we just were not getting anywhere and were not getting any kind of resolution/results/sense of accomplishment. The company gave us a time frame and we simply cannot meet it. We could theoretically complete the work given more time and a little more guidance, but I feel like after tomorrow, they're going to know we've essentially wasted half a week and gotten nowhere, and that we still don't completely know what we're supposed to be doing/what we're getting wrong. I can potentially see them giving us one more week but I am not counting on it.

Anyways, other good news, I started working on a new piece of music yesterday which excites me. I actually had quite the bug for composing but due to various responsibilities and commitments I wasn't able to really tap into that as much as I wanted. But it really excites me to know that my desire for composing is infact still there, it's getting stronger and I'm still able to come up with new stuff that I think is good/original enough to potentially record and release down the road. I have been wanting to work on music more over the last few weeks but my job hunting (and school) had been keeping me too busy to really get into that. But yesterday I got a melody stuck in my head and decided to play with it, and sure enough, it turned into something.

Speaking of that, something I have only done, I think twice now, but want to start doing more, is recording myself in the process of writing a new piece of music. I've always been fascinated to see the 'making of' videos on albums and to see how the ideas started/were formed and the song being put together in the beginning. I think it's even more interesting to watch one-man bands in action, and I figure if anyone ever asked me what my writing process is like, rather than try to explain it, I'd like to just be able to show them a video. And since I'm experienced enough with fleshing out ideas on the fly (all parts, not just 1 instrument), usually in an hour or 2 I can go from a single melody or chord progression (or sometimes just a rhythm that I build ontop of) to having a full 'demo' of a new song, guitar, bass, drums and whatever other layers I want it to have. I think for the new "album" I am starting to write for, because of what I envision it being in it's final state, I want to document the writing of as much of the music as possible, because I want to kind of make a short film to put online when it's done and released.

The other good news is that aside from my interest in composing returning, yesterday as I was catching up reading one of my favourite blogs, I was even checking out NEW music. I haven't had the desire to check out new bands in probably 5-6 months. I've just not cared. I'd barely been listening to music, my own or anyone else's, and since I wasn't inspired or looking for inspiration/new ideas, I just didn't care what anyone else was doing. Now I am interested again, but it's gotten to the point where in the last year or two, there's just too many new bands and I know I'm not going to be able to keep up with the new players in the genres I dig, nor keep up with any new subgenres that I might actually like.

What else to say... I think I'm actually about ready to end this. I feel like watching a movie and then trying to go to bed. I don't feel like anything else productive is going to come from today.

127 Hours

2011-02-06T17:39:00.000-08:00

I just watched this movie, and clearly I know where my values are ultimately laying these days, because once again I was presented with a scenario where a person was taken away from everything they knew, and put in a situation where survival was the primary concern, and it completely changes the way you look at and feel about life.

I am living vicariously through these experiences.

Just a few hours ago I was writing an email to a friend about how lately I've been feeling more confident, more like I can go out and 'seize the world', just go for the things I want, and if I ignore my fear, there's a good chance I can get them. But in part this is just me feeling frustrated that for so long I've let fear hold me back like this. What happens once I 'get what I'm after?', well, will I still want it? Or will I just want something else/something more then?

I think I need to be careful, because if I start getting too ambitious, then I'm going to ultimately end up with alot of expectations of myself and alot of potentially be let down by.

I want to be careful to remember what I think is important. I want to be capable of existing in one world but being rooted in another (seize vs just enjoy the moment, corporate vs community), but I feel the two cannot co-exist.

So I have to figure out how to balance/negotiate.

Finally got around to this - Alberta Oil Sands

2011-02-06T05:14:00.000-08:00

I've heard about the oil sands before, but never really knew what the issue was. I meant to research it for a while but never did. Finally the other day after watching Zeitgiest Moving Forward, I decided to look up the oil sands and see what the issues were.

http://www.mapleleafweb.com/features/alberta-s-oil-sands-key-issues-and-impacts

As I am getting more globally/environmentally aware, stuff like this is very interesting, and for once affects my home country. It's even interesting in that they point out that investments in the oil sands sector is hurting other sectors across the country, and the oil sands have contributed to the rise of the Canadian Dollar (which I know from experience, hurts export business).

It seems like this is more of a problem then a good thing for all the harm it's causing, environmentally, economically and otherwise, but as usual, profit wins at the end of the day, and the Alberta government seems to want to squeeze as much blood from that stone as they can before they get forced to let go.

Will be interesting to follow this one over time.

I really like tracking things that ultimately don't matter

2011-02-05T18:03:00.000-08:00

I was just thinking earlier how certain movies/tv shows tend to put me in a certain mindset, one that I find really aids me in having ideas to write about/write for/write around, it kind of gives my brain an adrenaline shot for creativity. However, to be entirely honest, this state of mind 9 times out of 10, is a dark place.

It occurred to me to compile a list of movies that I really like, that really get me into that mindset where I like to be to produce some really deep (and dark) stuff. But the other caveat is that if I find a really good dark movie, intellectual thriller, whatever, any good movie in general, it really helps that the next time you watch it be a while later, so you don't remember every plot twist, so in a sense you can re-watch the movie, but you forget things about it so there are still "surprises" when you watch it again. I find generally a safe bet is to give it 2 years, but sometimes 1 is enough.

A movie that I tend to watch at least once every 1.5-2 years is Panic Room. It's long, it's good and it's actually a movie I find I like when I'm tired but can't sleep, or if I go to lay down, and don't fall asleep, but rather end up 30 mins later feeling more rested and alert, it's a movie I will pop in and within an hour I'm usually tired eyed and ready for bed (and I'll finish watching it the next day). A movie I watched several times when I was younger was Toy Story. I'm pretty sure I've watched Toy Story at least 4 times. I haven't watched it in years, but I have it on my hard drive ready to watch again soon. I'm thinking of doing a marathon, since I haven't seen Toy Story 3, I might watch all 3 in one day together, or over a long weekend or something.

Anyways, what I've decided to do, for the purposes of a rainy day at some point in the future, when I decide "I need to watch a go-to dark/intellectual film to help inspire me to create/write", is to start keeping track of what movies I watch, when I last watched them and keep that for reference. So for instance, if in 6 months I get the craving to watch The Pursuit of Happyness again, I can look and see "oh, I only watched that 6 months ago, I should wait another 6 months before I watch it again or I'll remember too much of it and it won't be as interesting". Or if it's 18 months from now and I decide to watch it, I'll look and go "oh yeah, I won't remember much of it at all!".

But just in general I enjoy tracking things. I get easily obsessed/fascinated with things like last.fm (and admittedly am annoyed that being stuck listening to music/podcasts on my blackberry, I cannot track my plays/listening habits), I have used the website RateYourMusic to track what albums I own and when I bought them, and sometimes I just find it interesting to look up a band's discography and see when certain albums came out (vs when I thought they did), same with movies. It's just interesting to me to look back and go "wow, this movie is 8 years old?!" or if I felt like I watched a movie at least 5 years ago and it only came out 2 years ago, it makes me wonder why I thought it had been so long.

Oh man... to give you an idea of how precisely I want to track this, I just remembered that for Halloween in 2009, I watched 2 movies with a friend, and because I remember the exact date, despite there being a huge gap between then and now where I know I've watched stuff but don't recall the dates, I want to add the old stuff in JUST BECAUSE I know the dates. It's obsessive. And as I acknowledged in the title, IT DOESN'T MATTER. It just interests me.

I guess I'm also interested because this way I can track how many times I've watched a given movie, possibly even rate them and leave comments, and it can serve to tell me if I watched a given movie right around the time it came out, or if I watched it months, or years later. For instance, Toy Story 3 came out months ago, I've not watched it yet. The Watchmen was out for a while before I watched that, same with Scott Pilgrim.

I just really love stats and tracking data and analyzing it, even if it doesn't tell me anything practical/useful. I guess this is also useful in the event that friends have a movie day, or I have a date with a girl and we decide to watch a movie, this will also help me know how recently I watched something and if I want to watch it again yet or leave it for a little while.

Oh yeah, one last thing I want to remember to document. I often download movies in excitement to watch them, and then end up in the mindset "well, once I've watched it then I don't have it to look forward to anymore...". I've done this with several movies, where I just don't want to actually watch it because then the excitement/anticipation is gone. And even if it's an awesome movie, I still have to wait a while to watch it again.

A personal challenge and victory

2011-02-05T14:05:00.000-08:00

(this entire post was typed on my phone and sent to myself as an email so apologies for any weird formatting, typos or other text abnormalities)

3:57 pm

Right now, as I type this, I'm sitting inside a mall, just outside a store where inside is a girl I want to talk to.

The dumb part is that this is the 3rd time I've come back to try to talk to her. I first 'met' her when I came in for an interview, and have been back twice sine to say hello and give her my card. Both the previous 2 times I was kind of riled up, take no prisoners, the fight portion of fight or flight. My brain was saying 'dude, you're the man, don't let her say no!'. Now I'm feeling the 'flight' response. My brain is not saying 'go get her!', it's saying 'go home'. My go getter attitude really seemed to take a major hit after I went to an interview yesterday all charged up, had done my research and felt I couldn't fail, and.. I failed. It was partly the interviewer and his gross lack of personality, but also my fault in that I can't overcome a weak response to a strong start.

It doesn't help that I'm tired today, went to bed with a faint migraine, didn't take advil like I should have, woke up with a worse migraine and feeling not very well rested. Then I tried to read on the bus. Oops. I feel a little better now but not 100%. I know I can go in there and talk to her, but I won't be totally quick on the draw like I want to be. So I fear I will say something weak or try to be funny and fail, or just come off kind of discombobulated rather than focused. I'm trying to write to get re-focused but I don't feel it's really helping much. I think I'm going to have to just bite the bullet, take my best shot and hope it goes decently, or at least that she doesn't
laugh in my face. I also hope I don't get her in trouble, since she IS working, and told me before she's only had the job for 3 weeks.

Well, the sooner I get this over with the sooner I can go home and relax/rest. I have some other business to take care of, but all night to do it.

4:20 pm

Well, I did it. I walked in, I said hello, told her I'd come back to continue our conversation, she actually seemed happy about that, i've actually had a brief conversation (I was trying not to occupy her for too long and risk getting her in trouble), it went well, she was really friendly and wasn't shutting me down (which was great), I gave her one of my newly made business cards and she even complimented it! I told her about some of the networking I've been doing and she seemed actually quite interested.. Now granted I know my powers of perception when it comes to females *actually* liking me when I think they do, are not foolproof, but in what I have learned over time of what to look for, it *seemed* she was genuinely interested. Maybe not
romantically, but I suspect I will infact get an email or text from her. And if I do, that will be great.

It also occurs to me with the info she offered up (nothing personal or private, but just freely and pleasantly answered the questions I asked) she wasn't holding back or being guarded. She seemed rather pleased that I did come back, and to see her specifically. Maybe she is single and is interested, but I'll cross that bridge if and when I get to it.

I'm trying not to get an ego about this, as I can't handle the let down if I'm wrong, but for a first step, actually going back and talking to her (and getting a positive response), that was a small personal victory and kind of recovered some of my 'killer' instinct vibe. I'm actually getting better at facing the unknown and trying to seize opportunities, and fight for my own happiness.

It has now been about 5 mins and I actually have a feeling, since she didn't reject me, to go back and talk to her more. I felt good when I left. I didn't want to leave, it was more that I knew I had to. I guess I could go back at 6 when they close and meet her then, but I think maybe it is best that I leave this experiment as I have, gave her my card, see if she connects with me later. I realized after I'd left that maybe I should have asked her if she wanted to get together
later but it didn't occur to me until afterwards (too late). But again, if she does actually call/text/email, I'll go from there. I'm just proud of myself for coming this far and seemingly, plausibly
about to go to the next phase. Its a very simple thing in reality, but its a big one for me.

Zeitgeist

2011-02-04T18:46:00.000-08:00

Well, I just watched the newest Zeitgeist film. Wow. I encourage EVERYONE to go watch it. It's called Zeitgeist: Moving Forward, and will totally challenge your perception of the world and how you exist in it. (just google zeitgeist, you can watch all 3 films for free online)

I feel like I started to think this way years ago, on a smaller scale, being disgusted by and fed up with marketing and the levels it has reached (like marketing eco-friendly anti-aging creams/makeup to 8 year old girls, or a few years back marketing thongs with messages like 'eye candy' inscribed on them to 12 year old girls), and then a couple years ago I came across Zeitgeist: Addendum and it blew my mind. I didn't understand all of it, but I knew I had to pay attention anyways.

I feel I could easily write lots of blog posts about these two films, their content, their implications and what they make me think.

Ultimately it's clear: we need to make some serious changes to the way we live. Moving Forward has a section about "The Venus Project" which totally blew my mind, because in my view, it's essentially presenting what I perceive as a "space colony" type design, only on earth, and in replacement of our current city setup. I can't argue with the practicality of it, but my mind is so used to so many concepts when it comes to "a city" that it was hard for me to imagine living in that environment. Not to mention that there would be no money, and while yes I do want to live a simpler life where life is less about money, if money were suddenly abolished, I think it would be incredibly disorienting initially. Because we're so used to thinking of everything in terms of what we can afford, or how much we can afford. If all the essentials were provided for free... I feel like it would be boring, but that's just because my brain can't properly fathom/imagine how I would occupy my time if I didn't have to spent so much time thinking/worrying about money. Plus my profession would become essentially useless.

This leads me to another interesting point, and it seems like really good timing that the content of one of my current classes in school and the subject matter of a book I'm currently reading both played into this film and what it was saying.

I'm in a business class that has just taught me about supply and demand, economics, the market, corporations, all things I really have little to no interest in or desire to be part of. BUT, I understand they make the world go around. The book I am reading is talking about using your money to buy assets, which in turn, turn around and pay you money back again (as opposed to having to work for it) and don't get taxed the same way as your paycheck, and how 'rich people' protect their money from taxes by investing either personally or in a corporation. Essentially the book is saying 'if you want to be free from debt, you have to invest, not buy', but the Zeitgeist film clearly spells out that the market in which this investing is done, is inevitably going to crash, so while 3 hours ago I was like "I need to make some money so I can invest it!" now I'm thinking "if I do that, am I just going to get effed over by a market crash?". I don't know, but it doesn't really matter just yet, since I'm nowhere near being able to invest quite yet.

But this Project Venus and the Zeitgeist Movement has given me food for thought, and there is even a Toronto Chapter which I can potentially go to meetings for and see what that's about. Once again, I'm very glad I've now seen the world from the bottom, and learned through necessity that reducing expenses as much as possible is the best way to survive financially, and knowing that I can live on the low income that I have been, tells me that rather than getting say, a 50k a year job and moving into a fancy expensive condo and buying a car and a big screen TV, I would be smarter to continue living as though I'm only making about 20k a year (minimum wage essentially), which can be done, and take the extra money (now that I have a budgeting framework to guide me) and either invest it (ideally into something that doesn't run the risk of collapsing), or just set it aside somewhere to gain interest. The thing is, to go from high income to low income is hard because it's a major adjustment, going the other way, if done intelligently can be a major opportunity.

Of course I still have to GET to the point of making twice (or more) what I actually need to live on, but it may not be that far off. And I've been feeling alot more confident lately, just from reading (educating myself) and watching things like Zeitgeist that remind me in a very real way of what to be wary of going forward. The question is when is this inevitable crash going to happen. Zeitgeist predicts that our reliance on Oil will cripple us by 2050, which is 39 years at which point I'll be at retirement age, not that that necessarily means it will take that long for the market to crash, but it at least gives me a timeframe in mind of I suppose 'best case scenario'.

Also, through reading this book, and watching Zeitgeist (essentially feeling as though I've not heard both sides of the story), I am also inspired in that I feel I can help others in a new way. I can learn about finances and the financial market and try to help educate my friends and those in my community about the pitfalls, how the system works and how to protect themselves. I don't want to teach anyone to get rich quick, I'm more concerned with survival, and IF the opportunity for gain presents itself over and above that core survival, then I'll consider going for it, but the gain is not my goal. As this book is telling me, it's people's desires to buy things to make them LOOK rich that is infact plunging them into a cycle of debt they'll never escape.

So, hopefully in the near future, maybe by the end of this year, I can start practicing being an amateur financial advisor/informant to my friends. If you're interested, lemme know!

I've been getting several emails lately

2011-02-03T10:48:00.000-08:00

From 2 sites in particular, both which are primarily petition based. One rhymes with strange[dot]org and the other with Fare 2. (I'm doing that structly so I don't show up in google searches for them).

I support most, if not all their causes, but it starts to become overwhelming and discouraging when you realize how many issues around the world need support on a constant basis, and I went from feeling good for signing a couple of petitions to being reminded "this is just an online petition. chances are it won't really make a big difference".

I wish I could do more. I could spam my own and my friend's facebook walls and email inboxes with articles and links to try and get more people to "boost the signal" as a friend of mine likes to say, but I don't want to hassle my friends like that.

I feel like I have 2 options to REALLY make a difference.
1) donate money to the biggest players in the field of changing things for the better
2) use my voice, my writing, my communication skills, my passion and my presence to lend power to causes (that is to say, go to rallies and protests, join activist groups and put myself on the frontline, or put myself in debate situations where I can articulate myself).

Right now, neither is really much of an option. I've mostly been doing option 2, including officially starting up a discussion group with a friend, that will hopefully allow me to connect more with other people who want to see changes occur and are willing to step up and step forward. To achieve a united front. There's also the possibility that in the next couple of years I will be able to get a job paying well beyond what I need to live comfortably, at which point hopefully I'll be able to start donating to some of the major players and really help move things along.

I'm also thinking of things like, trying to see who of my friends/contacts are interested in things like doing documentaries or short films or similar creative media projects to speak up/speak out and raise awareness. I know there are many ways that I can contribute to something like that and would be glad to do so.

So on one hand, these frequent emails are kind of bumming me out because they just keep reminding me that if you REALLY want to fight the good fight, you never get to rest, but if I unsubscribe then I will be missing out. I kind of like that these emails keep reminding me that when I'm in a more sustainable place myself, I can help support and sustain the efforts of others for the good of everyone.

Oh and while I'm at it, I recommend everyone check out the documentary "An Unreasonable Man", about Ralph Nader. That film REALLY hit me when I watched it, it was majorly inspiring, and I'd say in large part, defines what I mean when I say "I want to lead by example". And man, I *hope* I'm still as mentally sharp and aware in my 70s as he is. Damn! But that man has dedicated his life to trying to change things for the better, including not even getting married or having kids, and living in a small 1 bedroom apartment so that no one could accuse him of being corrupt or greedy on a politicians salary.

I just discovered a hidden talent

2011-02-03T07:10:00.000-08:00

Well, as I said in my blog post late last night, I planned to 'call in sick' for my thing today, cause I totally just don't feel like making that trek, and yeah, my leg is still bothering me. I might have to think about going to the walkin clinic if this hasn't righted itself by tomorrow, but we'll see.

Anyways, one thing I've noticed before about myself is that first thing in the morning, I tend to have a slightly 'deeper' voice, before I clear my throat and have something to drink. I was also doing more talking/verbalization last night than perhaps my throat is used to and it does infact feel a bit coarse this morning.

But yes, my voice is always a bit deeper and more gravelly first thing in the day, and I decided to 'call in sick' before I had cleared my throat or had anything to drink. And you know how when you're talking and your throat SOUNDS like you're sick, but you're not and you just go "AHEM" and you sound normal again? Well, I didn't do that. And it turned out that when the phone was answered, I had the perfect "sick sounding" voice, infact I didn't even need to say "I'm not feeling well", she caught on immediately.

So I'm off the hook for today, and I've rescheduled for 3 weeks from now. And knowing that they have other people booked for that same day in the slot before where I now am, tells me that this is definitely not an interview. I mean I guess if any company is going to be running interviews for 3 weeks or more, it would be a large company like this, but I still think if anything, official interviews would be spawned from these business meetings.

I still haven't cleared my throat or drank, and I still have quite the rough sounding voice. Kind of makes me want to record some voice over stuff. I love having a deep, gravelly voice, though usually when it sounds like this, it's not the most comfortable to talk. That's the unfortunate part of it. Have a cool voice but can't use it forever. The only other time I can get it this way is if I have been talking to people all day (or singing without warming up/practicing) and I strain my vocal chords and they swell/get throbbing. Then I get a lower, deeper voice, but it obviously hurts.

And yes, you might be thinking "everyone's voice is lower when they first wake up". Yeah, well I just think it's neat that I have the perfect call in sick voice first thing.

Now, to follow through with what I said I was actually going to do today, prepare for tomorrow's interview and job hunt some more!

Ever want to just bail on something that doesn't really matter anymore?

2011-02-02T20:21:00.000-08:00

This morning I got up around 8am to go to my counsellor appointment for 10. I had neglected to check the voicemail I got the evening prior (I've been getting alot of calls about jobs and I've just been checking them the next day, usually around lunch or early afternoon) which turned out to be a "we're closing because of the snowstorm" message, so I arrived at the building (I also happened to be inexplicably 30 mins early, despite leaving a few mins late and that trip normally taking me about 40-50 mins, somehow in a snowstorm it only took about 25?!) to find a sign saying "we're closed, we'll re-open tomorrow". So back home I went. I saved myself a few bucks on the session, I just wasted about 80 mins in travel (the return trip took more like the normal 50 mins). Anyways, I got home, decided to watch a bit of online video then decided to sink my teeth into some more online job hunting/networking (hooray being responsible!).

Then, a couple hours later, around 1:30pm, I got a call from one of the temp agencies I'm registered with. I'd been informed of a job last night and they called to tell me that the company in question had found someone 'by their own means', so that offer was no longer in play, however there was a new opportunity, a 2 week (to start) assignment just a touch north of the city centre. We're not even talking North York... It'll take me about 45 mins to get there seemingly but that's not the end of the world. It's full time pay for 2 weeks which is fine by me!

Once I got off the phone, I was obviously pleased. I'm not out of the woods yet, but this is definitely a step forward, and hopefully I can build off this momentum. The position may last longer than 2 weeks, but probably not more than 4. But if I can do a good job there, that not only helps me earn favours from the temp agency, but adds to my resume and might even yield a new reference. And it's NOT client based bookkeeping! :D

So, even while I'm at this position (starting monday!), I'll still need to be looking for something full time. But the point of this post was going to be to say, I have an "informational meeting" tomorrow at a financial company, unofficially for a position that admittedly I'm interested in, down the road. An actual Finance position, not an accounting one. I want to study finance, but that's going to have to wait until probably at least 2012 I'm guessing. And it's more for my own personal interest then for a job, but obviously doesn't hurt my job prospects.

The thing is, this meeting is pretty far out of my way (I think google maps pegged it at 78 mins travel time, under ideal circumstances, so I'm thinking more like 90), there's nowhere to eat anywhere around it, it's a 1 hour meeting and it's at 1pm. So the likelihood is that I won't be getting home until around 4pm. And I want to go out tomorrow night to a thing. I'm guessing I'm going to be too tired/roadworn to want to then make another 90 minute commute up to the location of the discussion group I want to go to.

Not to mention, that inexplicably, when I woke up this morning, I had what I can only guess is a small tendon wrapped around a bone that it shouldn't be in my left leg. It hurts mostly around my ankle, but also somewhat around my knee. It has been an annoyance and an inconvenience to be hobbling around today, especially with the abundance of snow. I hobbled to games night and I'm glad I did but I am thinking if this problem hasn't resolved itself by tomorrow, I don't want to be doing too much extra hobbling.

So part of me *really* wants to bail on this meeting, because under the circumstances, I feel my time would be better spent actually looking for jobs I can actually get right now, and I don't really want to travel 90 minutes, hobble to the 13th floor of a building, learn about a position I can't get (yet), then hobble back down and come home. I'd rather reschedule this meeting (which I suspect may not be an option) for after my temp assignment, assuming I don't have another one lined up by then.

I don't feel that my thinking is entirely unreasonable or irresponsible. Tomorrow is mostly an information session, not an actual interview from what I can tell. I think I'm just going to call them tomorrow morning and say I need to reschedule as I'm not feeling well. I would like to try and reschedule, and perhaps I can still come in for an informational meeting in a few weeks. But my hope is that from Monday onward, I will be working steadily.

Not to mention I have an ACTUAL interview on Friday, and it wouldn't hurt to spend tomorrow prepping for that, since I would have more time, be less stressed about it, and then can sleep on my thoughts/answers and just review on Friday morning rather than try to do the bulk of my prep over breakfast.

So yeah, I guess that pretty well settles it. Oh yeah, and speaking of having to bow out of prior commitments, I was scheduled to go to a networking type seminar in a couple weeks that my temp assignment is going to unfortunately render me unable to attend. I was looking forward to it, and it was free, so it's kind of a bummer. You win some, and lose some though...

I'm glad I don't really feel guilty about this. It just makes sense though. Too much travel in one day, just for an info meeting, only partially related to my field of study...

Random Observation

2011-02-01T19:44:00.000-08:00

I've noticed 2 totally unimportant, but 'interesting' (in my mind anyway) trends amongst a large majority of the women I've either dated or been interested in, in my life.

The first trend is names that either include or end in the letter A. Oh, and C's or K sounds.
Examples, mostly in order: Cynthia, Laura, Constance, Carolyn, Julia (1, 2), Kaylan, Robbi-Anne, Laura 2, Kaitlin, Sara, Laurel, April, Bianca, Vanessa, Sara 2, Mary, Amanda (there've been a few), Carla, Kira, Sara 3, Rachel, Lindsay, Sandy (as well as Sandra and Sandhya), Heather, Paige, Krista...

The second is being interested in, dating or even just having a 'first date' leading to friendship, with females who share names with members of my family.
Such as: Sara, Amanda, Kim, Krista, Julie, Kayla.

Not to mention the brief period where my girlfriend was Sara, my boss was Sarah and I had the family member Sarah also.

Again, not that this really matters at all, I just found it interesting and decided to share. And even leaving out the names of girls I've dated or been interested in (mostly the latter) that didn't include the letter A, that's still a pretty decent list.

I just applied for college, for the 3rd time in my life officially

2011-02-01T18:54:00.000-08:00

Turns out I might have *just* caught the "equal consideration deadline". It said 'application received in office by Feb 1st', I'm pretty sure the office closed several hours ago, but technically my application came in electronically by the deadline.

Well, either way, we'll see what happens. I'll only be going full time if I don't find a job in my field that turns out to be stable/long term. I'm optimistic I will and full time studies won't be necessary but we shall see. At least now i'm officially in the books as applied, so IF I do have to go full time, I should be able to now.

I did my part, now just gotta wait.

I wanted to take a second...

2011-02-01T17:01:00.001-08:00

To confess something.

There seems to be a surprisingly confident, semi-smooth talker hiding within this skin. He doesn't come out often but when he does I'm just along for the ride and it's a sight to behold.

I keep thinking about how last week at that networking workshop there was that cute girl and I got her info (for networking purposes of course, primarily) and tried to follow up with her (no response yet), then yesterday while waiting for my 3 minute sorry-excuse-for-an-interview, I talked a little bit to the greeter girl at the store, and when she asked me what position I was interviewing for and I said bookkeeper she exclaimed "oh cool!". A girl who didn't outright think accounting was lame/boring? Hmm. Can't just ignore that. So I made some brief conversation with her and found out she went to school for business admin before and is now studying culinary management. She seemed nice enough, but our conversation got cut short.

Of course, this alter ego inside me has been saying ever since, "you need to go back and finish what you started". To be 100% honest, I just want to see if I can actually get a date with her. Not that if I do that I'll then lose all interest and blow her off, I genuinely was interested in what she was telling me and want to know more. I was connecting with her, on some level, and I liked that. She was nice, she certainly wasn't unattractive, I don't know that I got any real vibe like she was "the one" but I honestly felt like talking to her a bit more, possibly over a coffee, wouldn't hurt.

So it is my intention to try.

Then today while I was walking around trying to find an accounting business that wasn't just an accountant and a receptionist, I was walking down the street and this girl came out of a store with a garbage bin, and my brain goes "hey, she's cute", so I stopped to see what store she'd come out of. Used book store. Heck, doesn't hurt me to go in there for a second to see if they have anything I'd be interested in, and maybe I could even talk to her, try to connect.

Turned out there wasn't much in the store for me, and she was mostly helping some guy and pre-occupied with a book at the register that she was seemingly reading, so I decided that was not the time to try and connect.

But clearly my confidence is up (or at least I'm less worried about failing). Much like in my job hunt, one of these times I'm going to connect and it's going to go somewhere.

I'm also supposed to be getting together with a friend of mine sometime this weekend, and I'm pretty sure she has some form of crush on me, but I've only really thought about dating her when I was at my loneliest. I know that's mean to say, she's nice and all, and not unattractive or dumb or anything... I just don't really feel like I connect with her in the way I want to, and since I've known her casually for somewhere around 9-12 months... it's kind of past the point of being an exciting new thing. Like one thing that really excites me (and I guess helps me ignore the fear of rejection) about approaching women these days is that each new one is a totally blank slate. I know nothing about them, so anything they tell me is new, and potentially interesting. With this other friend, I already know she likes me (or at least am pretty sure she does based on certain cues/signs), and that really kinda ruins the excitement for me. Like I'd be excited if my mindset was "anybody, please love me!", but I am in the mindset right now of "okay, I feel like I know I'm actually a 5 but feel more like a 7 (confidence can go a long way!), so I'm gonna gun for some 8s and 9s. Like I said, I'm really just curious if I can pull it off, knowing full well that at a certain point I'll be in over my head and have no idea what to do next. And I'm not trying to find a one night stand. I want a real relationship, but the way I've always approached this process has been to come in totally honest and focused on 'I want to find my future wife". Now I'm trying to follow the more standard schema of "let's just go on some dates and see what happens".

I really almost feel like I have split personalities because that last part, in the quotes, is pretty much the exact opposite of the core of how the supposed 'real me' thinks. I hate uncertainty! But I have noticed I'm getting much more used to it, especially with this job hunt and the fact that I haven't had a 'consistent' schedule in a whole year basically. I've adapted, and so uncertainty isn't throwing me off nearly as much, but I still feel like I'm going to get to a point where like I said, I'm going to try my luck with a girl who normally I would have felt totally intimidated by, and she's going to go out with me, and before I know it, a few dates/weeks later, I'm probably going to be like "holy shit... this is really happening, what the eff do I do now?!".

I've been talking to a male friend of mine lately, he's also down on his luck and has been struggling with his love life, and I've been pushing him lately to get out here and take advantage of my newfound confidence and ambition to hopefully find us both nice girls to date who we can be proud to bring home to meet our Moms. He isn't really comfortable with the idea, despite my re-assuring him I have no intentions of trying to find him a one night stand (I turned one down not 2 months ago and would do the same now and he knows that), but alas, for now I'm going to keep trying this and maybe I can get together with some other male friends who are also unattached and we can practice being wingmen. It's something I've been intrigued by for years (especially compelled by Barney from HIMYM, despite the fact that in real life I would hate a guy like him) and really want to give it a shot.

Imagine the right girl's surprise when a guy comes around acting all confident and suave, and it turns out he isn't just looking for sex, but to settle down. Would that be shocking?

Update!

2011-02-01T16:36:00.000-08:00

I tried to update from my phone, to my surprise there is no blogger blackberry app (a friend of mine showed me the wordpress blackberry app), so I'm home now and here it is.

Despite this mostly unfortunate day, I got a call while in class about a position through a staffing agency that would potentially start friday or monday, if I got chosen for it. It's also pretty darn close to me, I'd say within 20 mins or so?

So that's pretty cool. It's also a junior position, accounting/admin assistance, so it's perfect for me.

This week might just turn around yet.

And as I mentioned the other night, now I feel a pressure to try and do as much writing from the "i'm practically homeless!" mindset as I can, before my situation changes and I simply cannot think that way anymore. We shall see. But it does seem like one way or another, in the next week or two, I might at least have some part time work!

My day so far - ups and downs

2011-02-01T14:39:00.000-08:00

Yesterday afternoon I was called for a last minute interview, which I did infact go to before my class. They wanted me to be there 30 mins from when they called, I said I needed at least an hour, so they gave me the hour. Long story short I got there, they made me wait (my interview started about 20 mins after when they said to be there, and no, they weren't seeing anyone before me), and THEN, they gave me a ridiculous 180 second (that's 3 mins for you folks playing along at home) "interview" and then dismissed me, or rather, the woman assigned to interview me (who seemed like she knew absolutely NOTHING about the position in question herself) just excused herself and left the room, and then another girl came in and said 'we know you need to get to class, let me show you out'. I was like 'uh, I don't think she finished asking all the questions she wanted to, should I come back tomorrow?'. I clearly surprised her, but she gave me a business card and said to call back this morning.

So I did. And I was instructed to ask for the same woman who interviewed me. And I did. And she was just as grumpy and curt on the phone as she had been in person. Her response "we'll pull your file and call you back, ok?". Yeah, I'll believe that when I see it. I know I didn't blow that interview in 3 minutes. She only asked me 2 questions and didn't even finish looking over my resume. SHE wasn't prepared. *I* was. I also noticed that everyone in that back office looked similarly stress/grumpy/confused as to what they should actually be doing. It didn't seem like a healthy work environment, so I'm not REALLY worried about not getting called back. I was just trying to practice following through and being professional.

Anyways, after that, I was supposed to meet up with a friend but that fell through, and since I had turned down an interview request for today because of plans already made, I decided to hit the road and check out a few more accounting places in the city. I had some luck with the first place I went to, I'd found them in my own independent research, but shortly after had found a job ad posted by them, and I applied. This company does very similar work to what my last employer did. Anyways, I stopped in, in person, not thinking to refresh my memory beforehand, and had an impromptu on the spot interview, which went pretty well. The guy who runs the business liked me, liked my initiative and said 'if you don't hear from me in a week, which I'm sure I will, give me a call and we'll go from there'.

That was the high point of my day (so far).

I then went to check out some other places, but all the rest were small businesses that do not need any help. I also wanted to point out the instance of something happening that always pisses me off. I went into a subway to warm up for a minute and check my phone and the woman behind the counter said "excuse me, can I help you?" and I said "no that's alright, i'm good". She then says "uh, no it's not alright". I look at her. "If you aren't going to buy anything you need to leave, it's not alright". I was like really? It's rare that I encounter this kind of thing but it always offends me. Part of me wanted to just go "oh yeah? call the cops then. I'm not doing any harm by standing here". Yes, it's technically private property, but seriously, grow up. I sighed out loud, turned and left. I got a few steps outside and then thought to myself "I should go back in there and complain about the customer service". While no, I hadn't purchased any of their 'products or services' to directly complain about, I felt I was treated disrepectfully and I feel that's unacceptable and want to tell my friends and others that subway was very rude and unfriendly to me and that I wouldn't give them my business again as a result. If you're going to be THAT direct and rude, you might as well put a sign on the front door "don't come in here unless you plan to give us money". That's not right. I can understand and accept things like 'washrooms for paying customers only". That's different. But when it's -10 or worse (and blowing snow outside) and I come in your store for a minute to get a brief respite from the cold and you throw me out, when I haven't said or done anything to warrant such a dismissal (I even said NO THANKS, I was polite about it!), I just don't think this can be tolerated. I'm literally so bothered that even now, an hour later and halfway back across the city (sitting in class), I want to go back and give that woman a piece of my mind. I know it shouldn't bother me like that, but it does. I have a right to be offended when disrespected. Part of me wants to get her to call the cops.

But that would be childish and accomplish nothing. So I won't.

Anyways, as it stands, it was the rude interview woman yesterday/this morning, plans with friend fell through, then the potential job lead, then the rude subway woman, and then a bunch of dead ends. I'm looking forward to getting home tonight. I feel a headache is coming on and if it takes full hold, my night will effectively be ruined. I have an informational meeting with a financial institution on thursday, but it seems unlikely that will lead to anything right now. I have another interview for an actual job (in my field) on friday. But not much going on for me right now. I'm just trying to focus on networking.

I also don't feel as motivated to write here in class, so I'm going to end this.

The power of the survival instinct

2011-01-30T18:24:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling lately like I should write a book. I'm currently watching The Pursuit of Happiness, which I chose because I knew it related to my situation, and seeing how Will Smith's character never gives up, he just keeps getting more resourceful, he learned to stretch himself in ways he maybe never thought he'd have to, and that's kind of how I feel.

Luckily right now I'm looking at it in a positive light. Every phone call he makes, it may be his only slim chance at getting out of his hole, but he never wavers, never flinches. I kind of feel a bit like that myself.

More specifically, the knowledge that I *need* to be on my best, I need to make every connection with someone important really count, make a great impression and never let on how much I need them to go for me. Because we all know, people are more impressed by and drawn to someone who seems totally self-sufficient (cool as a cucumber if you will). I could go the honesty route but in today's age, it just doesn't seem like a winning strategy.

I really think it's true what they say, you never really know what you're capable of until you're forced to get through situations you've never encountered. This past year has been kind of like a crash course in "preparing to survive when times really get tough". I actually find this situation interesting, kind of like inside my own head, I'm narrating every day and the actions I can and do take. As if I don't already know what I'm going to do, but I guess in some cases, I don't. Each time the phone rings (only a few times lately), I think 'well, this could be the moment where I get a call for something that maybe I'm not sure about but I have to pretend'.

I'm also starting to actually think and make plans for what I want to do besides fighting for a job, getting back into music, trying to hook up with friends to make some projects come to life, hopefully even getting involved in the community somehow, but we'll see. I feel like not only do I need to be putting myself infront of business people and professionals, but I need to put myself infront of more people in general. Because I never know what can happen. Every moment could be an opportunity. And I have to be ready to capitalize. Because this could all turn around in an instant.

But the reason I am thinking a book would be interesting, is because I come from a family that was never poor, that never struggled, I'm well educated, I was raised well enough. I know right and wrong, I know respect, I know compassion. I think I have to accept some responsibility for my situation, I didn't take some advice I should have, I fought against some changes that now I'm trying to catch up on after the fact. It really took me getting to a point I've never truly been at before for me to challenge myself in a serious way and see if I'm able to push myself as far as it seems I'll need to, to get where I need to be. I think it would be interesting to chronicle going from being in college and working at GM raking in $300-1000 a WEEK (yes, that's right) to living on my own and 'scraping by', to now feeling like I can really see and understand the world that homeless people know as 'everyday'. It's quite amazing to still remember what being a 'privileged white boy' is like but also now having spent enough time so near the bottom that i'm used to that as well. Today I went to a board gaming meetup, and I had to make sure to eat before I left cause I can't afford to spend $10+ on a plate of food, of course after 5 hours of gaming and nothing but water, I was quite happy to get back home and be able to make myself something to eat again, for free. I've been picking up loose change I find on the sidewalks, and I've officially started telling myself at the grocery store that "even though that box of pop-tarts is on sale for just 3 bucks, now is just not the time to spend money on that kind of thing". Before, $5 was my low end for spending on food away from home, now I'm trying not to spend more than $2-3. I'm not looking for sympathy here, I'm really just kind of highlighting, even to re-inforce it to myself, "look, you need to be serious and disciplined and remember what you got yourself into. If you want those fruit loops, you get on the phone, on the internet, you find jobs and you show them you're the man to hire, then you can have your fruit loops". I was surprisingly careless, even when I was on EI.

Another thing that hit me from Pursuit of Happiness is that I get the impression Will Smith's character only has the 1 suit and he has to keep it in pristine condition so he can wear it every day, and that's pretty much where I'm at. I have 1 nice pair of pants and 1 nice shirt, but for how often I've had to use them in the last several years, it's been enough. Though I've been finding lately that more and more places do at least 2 interviews, so then I potentially run into a problem with wearing the same shirt twice (pants would be hard to tell but shirt is obvious).

Yes, I have days where my situation scares me, stresses me out, makes me feel pretty crappy, but I guess from watching this movie, it has reminded me that my mindset needs to be "survival". But not the "if you don't give me a job, I'm going to kill you" kind, the aforementioned "if you want to stay in Toronto, keep your independence and be able to leave the house without stressing about how much it's going to cost you to do so, you need to stay focused and find some work" kind.

I hope not to have to write too many blog posts about this, but since I am officially slowly burning up the savings I had for this situation of mine, it's really been on my mind. I'm very motivated, which is great, but of course whatever is on my mind the most, whether it be my ex, a creative project, or my ongoing poverty, that is what I will write about. And if I'm going to write a book, I have to get several ideas down before the situation changes, or else my connection to this state of mind will be gone and I won't be able to write from this perspective anymore. Unless you know, I did something crazy like take my first new paycheck and put it all into savings and spend another couple weeks pretending I have no money still. But that would be psychologically difficult since I'd theoretically be working each day and thus know that I had money coming in, and of course, how much.

So that's what this was all about...

2011-01-29T16:10:00.000-08:00

I don't know if you can relate to this, if you've ever had a feeling niggling away at you for a long time, and you kind of identify some of the outlying causes or reasons, but then one day you actually figure out what the heart of the issue is and you're like "well, at least now I know what I should be doing"?

Well, today I think I finally clarified something for myself that was crucial to me making real progress going forward. I've been unhappy with my "work" situation for some time, both with most of the jobs I've held, and obviously with being unemployed. I've always felt that I knew my strengths, knew what I wanted to do, but just never actually got the chance to really tune in to the right frequency and really make things resonate in a big way. At least when I was working, even if it wasn't perfect, it was something I could at least put myself into and try to make something decent out of my efforts. I was never satisfied in jobs where you didn't need to put much pride into your work.

And since being unemployed, multiple times I have tried to find 'causes' or projects to throw myself at, to define myself by, to contribute to and make a difference in. I have not felt capable of starting my own initiative, and it was surprising to me how difficult it could be to try and crack into a still relatively small, up-and-coming group or organization and try to provide extra support.

I want to be part of something. It is that simple, at it's core. In work, in love, in my community, with my friends... I want to be more a positive, productive, helpful, supportive part of the things I'm involved in and for the people I am involved with.

I want to work for a company that I can respect, be proud to be a part of, hopefully that isn't greedy or corrupt... I don't need a crazy salary, I just want to look forward to work every day, like (at least some or most of) my co-workers, not fear my boss... I don't need to be indispensable but I do want to feel appreciated. I want to be proud to promote my employer and believe in the work that we do.

I also want to be a part of a fun, supportive, healthy, loving relationship. This one has been even more of a challenge for me. I have a much better sense of how to pick a job than I do a girlfriend. But many lessons learned in the recent past (I have to take *some* responsibility in being single) have led me to change my views on and approach to dating recently and I'm kind of excited to see what results I will experience with these new changes. I'm tired of being single, lonely and unfulfilled and am really trying to change that proactively. I want to be part of making someone else's life a little nicer, a little happier, a little easier, and hopefully that person would do the same in return.

I want to be a part of a fun, interesting, intelligent, supportive social group. I want people to enjoy being around me and vice versa. I want to both learn from and laugh with great people. Share experiences and varied activities. I want to help my friends whether it be by helping them move, sharing knowledge with them for a decision I've already made that they are now facing, be a sympathetic ear if they need it or just make them laugh or have some fun when they've had a rough day.

[Subsequently I'd also like to be part of a cool project or two, like if one of my friends was making an independent film, or a radioplay... something creative and cool, I'd be happy to help with that. I have so many ideas and I think I can add to creative projects, I just suck at starting them myself for the most part. The only stuff I've managed to finish on my own accord were music albums and that always takes me at least a year or two each. I get excited when I find out my friends are working on cool stuff and I want to be part of it. Not to steal their thunder but to sort of live vicariously through their initiative and help them succeed.]

I also want to be a part of my community more. I'm not completely sure how just yet, but I know that all of this seems really simple and basic, yet surprisingly hard to manage. Right now, I am only 1/4, and the 1 that I have I'm barely able to sustain due to my financial situation.

I've got an uphill battle ahead of me, and I'm sorry that it has taken me falling this far down the hill before I figured out what I really wanted/needed, but it's at least nice to know that once I start moving the right way again, I can head straight for the target.

It has been really hard to be jobless for the 3/4 of the last year. I struggled to find meaning for myself any way I could, without much success. It really got to me, deep down, really did a number on my self esteem/worth which I am trying to rebuild, but now I sadly have a much better understanding of how homeless people, and people in poverty, feel. You start to not even feel like a person anymore. It doesn't help that I never developed the social supports I should have while I could have and was usually too proud to ask for help at points when I needed it.

I remember thinking last summer, in addition to the volunteer position I did to help at least keep something on my resume, I should do some charity work or something. I really didn't know what to do or where to start though. And I thought to myself "I know my skills, they're far better suited to certain tasks... it would be a waste of my time to go work at a soup kitchen when I could be so much more productive somewhere else". The flaw in that thinking was that I never found that 'somewhere else'. And now I'm getting so desperate for a purpose beyond myself and a sense of community (and I'm so disgusted by what I perceive to be the selfishness, materialism and recklessness of people who have any money at all) that I'm starting to really think that ANY effort I invest to help others, whether it's a prime use of my skills or not, is better than nothing.

Despite how much this last year hasn't been "great", I actually AM glad that I've gone through it, because I feel like I've learned so much about myself, and come to see the world from a perspective that few people I think ever do. I suppose perhaps it's akin to a celebrity ending up in a 3rd world country somehow and going "OH MY GOD, PEOPLE LIVE LIKE THIS?". I hate walking past beggars and homeless people on the street. I *WANT* to help them. But I can't really. I have no money to spare, I don't really have extra clothes or supplies to give them. I can offer them my sympathy but that doesn't help them. And I feel like if I went to a soup kitchen or something, that would be really emotionally difficult. How can you not look at a room full of people who have virtually nothing, and no way to change that, they're basically stuck, helpless, and almost no one cares about them. That's terrible. I really hope that if things do suddenly turn around for me in a big way that I don't forget about them.

I've always wanted to donate money to charities, because I figure, hey, they know how that money can be best spent. But that's kind of a cop-out. However, in learning to live on the meager budget I have for nearly 3 years now, I've learned literally, what the bare minimum I can get by on is, and if I got a call tomorrow and was offered a full time job paying 30k a year (or more), well, I wouldn't suddenly go out and buy a big screen tv and lease a new car and go buy some fancy new clothes, I know I would be smart and put a bunch of that away (or invest), and I would finally, after many years of wanting to be able to, treat my friends to some good times on me to thank them for all the good times I've had with them. And for putting up with me over time as I've slowly figured out the many ways in which I can test people's patience and tried to fix that.

So yes, looking forward, my goals for the immediate future either keep evolving, or I just keep adding to the list. I'm not relying on facebook nearly as much, I've been making more efforts to be social (though there's still certainly room for further improvement), I've been trying to be less picky more open-minded, less selfish and more self-less, various mini-goals from my counsellor, and now, try to become more involved in my community and be a part of something good.

I can do it!

Addendum

2011-01-27T12:32:00.001-08:00

Possibilities are inspiring. I can't get the smile off my face now feeling like I went from being cornered and having no choice but "go back into the sewer" to feeling like I have hope, options, leads, support, self-confidence and like I really feel like I know I can do it and fuck what anyone else thinks.

I'm also admittedly quite excited that a discussion group I've wanted to start for a while is finally coming to reality with the help of a friend. I am SO excited about that. It's only 3 weeks away!

I'm really going to try and maintain this positive outlook and attitude. I'm going to need it for february!

Good mood, direction, motivation - action!

2011-01-27T11:29:00.000-08:00

I haven't been posting as much lately for 2 reasons.

1. I've actually been keeping myself pretty busy between school and job hunting
2. I've been kind of down on myself and don't want to just post a bunch of negative crap

I am currently in a great mood. Tuesday saw renewed motivation for my job hunt, yesterday saw me reach an epiphany in my personal life that will have a butterfly effect on my life as a whole, and today I built on tuesday's momentum and have really re-inspired myself and renewed my confidence in what I can do and the fact that I'm not out of options yet. What had happened was I had followed all the obvious roads to try and reach my destination, but arrived at a dead end, and had to turn around, go back and try to figure out a different way. Well, now it's like the sun came up and now I can see the road much better, I can see all the signs much more clearly to tell me which way to go for what destination, so I feel I have a much better idea of where I'm going and how to get there. Things don't seem so hopeless, I don't feel nearly as lost.

I feel like such a different person now than just a few days ago. When I get down on myself, I really start to treat myself like crap. I give myself no love, little respect, i'm just a heartless drill sergeant. What I have been learning to do is focus on my positives, pay attention to the way I interact with people and slowly but surely work at it to try and get things where I want them to be. I'm teaching myself to network, to market 'me' without it being a heavy handed sales pitch, I'm learning to speak, think and relate in a different way that is not only helping me move forward faster but makes me feel really good.

I know there have been times before where I've said "I don't want to talk to strangers because I don't think they'll have anything interesting to say", and that's not true. You just have to know what questions to ask. I met 6 strangers today and 3 of them I really felt like I could be friends and hang out with them outside of the workshop I was at. Heck, one of them I intend to ask for a coffee date.

It really amazes me, I used to be so shy, kept to myself, didn't want to talk to people, I was a serious introvert. Partly through being forced and partly through my own desire, I've started opening up, connecting with people and making an effort to communicate and relate, and I'm finding I really do love talking to people and being around them. I have even learned that I enjoy public speaking (on certain topics or on things I'm passionate about, don't ask me to give a presentation on gardening!) which seems crazy to me. There's something about captivating another person with what you are saying that thrills me. And I *HATE* marketing. I want NOTHING to do with it. I only want to promote things I believe in. I don't even want to deal with clients at my job. I'm only extroverted in certain ways/situations. But I am starting to identify how if I can tap into/harness that ability more at will and less situationally, it can not only benefit me, but I can use it to help others. I can do good marketing I suppose.

I have for years now wanted to work for non-profit organizations, I'd like to do charity work, but in a certain way. I'm an advocate of human rights, environmental issues, I've become all too familiar with issues of poverty. I feel myself shifting in the direction of trying to get more involved in speaking out and helping people who need help. I said in the workshop today, part of me wants to get a really good job in accounting so I can either donate lots of money to charity, or support initiatives that really need it, or I can perhaps get into a position of power and direct a company more to helping people rather than strictly profiting. You know, use the system against itself (The example that inspired that mention was what I heard on a podcast yesterday, Johnny Rotten had responded to people complaining about a punk band being on a major label, he said 'that's the best way to spread the word to a wider audience, use the system against itself', I thought that was a really cool idea. A punk not too proud, actually quite smart, to do something like that).

It's interesting to me because just yesterday I was saying how I hate corporate culture and business speak and feeling like I have to be a high powered executive and manage people to get a job and earn a living, and I know I am capable of filling a role like that, even if only temporarily, but I don't want to. What I am afraid of is getting into such a role and then not being able to get out, turning into that person I don't want to be. I know I have the capacity to be high powered and a leader, but I only want to use that skill for good.

I have a new goal for this year as a result of recent events. I'm curious to see how things will unfold.

I hate Sundays

2011-01-23T15:40:00.000-08:00

I like Garfield, and as you may or may not know, he hates Mondays, but I hate Sundays more.

Why? It's simple actually. My Sundays are often boring, uneventful and by the time 6 or 7pm rolls around, I know that the better part of a day has passed but something just doesn't feel right. And everyone else seems to be doing stuff because Facebook is always quiet and I rarely hear much from anyone on Sundays.

It also sucks because mentally, my brain is saying "tomorrow is Monday, the start of the workweek", but for me, it's not. Luckily I *do* have some things to do tomorrow during the day, before class, so I won't be sitting around doing nothing which is good.

Admittedly I have been "productive" today, but not in a fun way. I think I've spent about 2 hours, maybe more, searching through and replying to job ads. I am now doing this every 2-3 days. It's tedious, and disheartening. And I know I might hear back from 2 or 3 out of however many dozen/hundred I replied to. As I said, the day hasn't been a total loss, but now, at nearly 7pm, I am feeling a distinct cloud of isolation descending upon me. I feel mentally like it's actually more like 9pm, it feels late, it feels like I and everyone else should be going to sleep now. I also want to get up, go out somewhere, be around people and away from my computer. I wouldn't mind going to a coffee shop and having a nice casual hangout with a couple friends over hot chocolate. It's -18 out and I need to get something from the grocery store.

I'm going to stop complaining now. I'm just having deja vu here and remembering alot of Sundays of cabin fever and restlessness and wanting to connect with someone but no one's around and not busy.

I really need a friggin job.

Do you ever feel like you're always one step behind the game?

2011-01-23T06:50:00.001-08:00

Wow, that's probably a first. As I type, I *swear* there seems to be a little extra reverb in my bedroom. I just picked up all my laundry and it's presently in the machine at the landromat, but I've typed on here while doing laundry before and never noticed this. Hmm.

Anyways, as the title suggests, I currently, and in past have felt like I often miss opportunities just barely, or find out about something last minute when it's too late to really get involved like I want to.

This post is a result of reading another blog where a friend mentioned that he and a couple other friends are now teaming up instead of trying to make things happen individually. Now this friend and I, we've only recently begun to really talk, and while we had discussed possibly doing some things together, pooling our ideas and resourcefulness together, but no committment had been made, and yet when I read that he is getting some stuff going with other people, my brain immediately goes "well, as history would tell you, he's now going to be too busy with that to work with you on anything". This is clearly negative thinking, which I am trying to curb, but as I said, my brain is pointing out a pattern.

I have come up short many times on jobs and job opportunities
I have come up short many times on trying to make plans with people, or trying to get involved in something once it's too late
I have come up short several times on asking out females I'm interested in, waiting too long and by then they've started seeing someone

I really can't tell you how many times I have found either posts at school, work, online, that were for the day before, a week ago, or the deadline for something is so close that I know there's just no way...

Maybe it's because I've felt I need all the luck I can get for the last few years. It seems to me that a good work ethic is most definitely NOT the simple answer.

I do want to take some responsibility and admit that while I certainly am not the procrastinator I once was, I do have a very hard time throwing myself at things when I'm not sure. And I can be horribly indecisive and sometimes I need someone to just kick me in the ass and say "DO IT". I have been sitting on one thing for a week now, this is a perfect example, I was told by the place they could definitely use me, but doing a particular task that I'm honestly very minimally interested in. I know it's not what I want to do for a living, but I can also see how it's still something to put on my resume to at least 'appear' like I have more experience than I do, it's still in the same field, and it's close to home. It doesn't pay great but I can't really be picky right now. I've been trying to hold out for a position doing something I'm *excited* about, but I also realize that if I wait too long, this opportunity will eventually be gone, and then I may have nothing. So I've been thinking about it, and even though I'm not thrilled by the idea, I'm going to go tomorrow morning and try to seize it. Hopefully this time I won't be too late. And hopefully it won't be as bad as I expect. Because I really don't want to end up getting let go again, and I hope I don't end up wanting to quit after a week. I'm quite worried about the latter.

So my goal needs to be trying to seize opportunities sooner. I actually kind of did this last week when I went door to door, resulting in an impromptu networking session at the little bakery around the corner, I need to do that kind of thing more, but it's scary for me because I feel overwhelmed, in over my head, like I'm trying to pretend to be a big shot but I know I'm not and I KNOW they'll catch me in the act if I try to keep up the charade too long. This is why I'm not trying harder to become a freelance bookkeeper, because I really don't feel qualified, especially to charge someone hourly to do something I'm still learning. I guess I've identified the issue, it's my lack of experience. I've never felt that networking is a strong skill of mine, I've never wanted to do it or really enjoyed it, but it seems unavoidable. And in my trying to avoid it as much as possible, I'm missing opportunities. And I'm not in a position to do so for long. Rock, Adam, Hard Place.

And now for something a little more upbeat

2011-01-22T20:06:00.001-08:00

This might be a shorter one, cause it's getting late and I don't really have as much to say now, but I just read a short article that reminded me of a topic I should cover in this blog, just because of who I am and where I come from.

metalsucks.net/2011/01/14/what-is-the-point-of-music-criticism

It's an article about another article that speculates about what the point of music criticism is, how it should be.

Anyone who knows me "well" (not many), know that I have always been quite outspoken about music, and my criticisms of various types of music, and some specific artists. I used to be a total "elitist", and to an extent, still am. I'm really not sure what changed in me last year that really made me chill out and stop being so damn uptight about it, but something did. I know right now I'm in a phase, I honestly don't think I've been this meh about music since I got really into it back when I was a wee little teen. Perhaps it's because I have been a "serious" musician for nearly a decade, and was always grinding away on something, but when I finished my most recent project, I was burned out, at the tail end of one of the roughest/shittiest periods of my life, and decided I needed to take a break.

My obsession with and passion for music has seemingly been most transferred to board games now. They are more cerebral and offer more of a communal opportunity than music did for me, and it's not that I don't give a fuck about music at all anymore, I just feel alot different about it now. I realize my mindset used to be very much "I am truly doing something original, something that people should respect and appreciate for what it is, even if it's not something they want to listen to all the time". I felt I was putting enough thought and effort into my creations that they were at least a little above average, I was trying to make a name for myself and I realized it wasn't going to and probably will never get to that point I had in my head. So I guess I realized it was mostly pointless. Now, anything I do musically will infact be purely just because I want to, but that drive of "make it really count cause people are going to judge you on this" is gone.

I am happy to say that recently, after revisiting some old lyrics, it has gotten me back interested in working on some stuff again, but mostly I just want to finish an album that I got halfway through back in 2009 and then did what at the time was only supposed to be a "temporary hiatus" that has actually lasted nearly 2 full years. So I'd like to finish that, but as for writing new material, there's no desire there. At least not right now. Maybe once I get my life a little more back on track. Music is nowhere near the top of my priority list right now. But I still like it.

Anyways, yes, I used to take music far more seriously, and was constantly championing the integrity of progressive music vs the vanity of pop music, and frequently was embarassingly shrugged off by statements as simple as "I like music that I can dance to, I don't listen to music to have to think too hard about it". Really, it's my own dumb fault, I didn't realize right away that I was basically expecting other people to appreciate music the same way I did. Not only am I extremely analytical, but I understand music theory. You know how pissed off engineers get when they encounter something that is poorly designed? Because they KNOW it could have been done better and the designer/manufacturer was just lazy? That's basically how I felt about pop music, or anything on the radio. Yeah, I get that you can't dance to odd time signatures and polyrhythms, but god damn, the technical brilliance and beauty of them is staggering. One could even say (possibly a slight exaggeration) that it can be as big of a difference as between a toddler's finger painting and the Sistine Chapel. Hell, people can admit that they think that Beethoven is good music, even though you can't dance to that, but that's usually just cause the symphonies sound really nice.

Anyways, I can't really be bothered to criticize music much anymore. I've mellowed out, I've started to enjoy simpler stuff, I still kind of have to be in a certain mood, but some stuff that would have bored or frustrated me even a year or two ago, now I can just kind of let it be, let the sound waves pass around me. I feel like I'm starting to hear music less like a musician and more like everyone else. It is kind of nice, but it does make me feel a bit like that one episode of the Simpsons with the "stupid gene". I feel like I'm getting dumber and less sophisticated because I'm no longer actively seeking out technically superior music, and enjoying more average music.

But, I'm going to try and make a step forward in progress here, as a person, less uptight, less judgemental, and just say, that's OK. It is what it is. The amount of time and energy I could spend fighting it, vs saving that energy for other things, well I think that right there is one of the secrets to a happy and healthy life. Pick your battles. Let people like the music they do. Live and let live...

Now let's see if this phase passes eventually and my attitude changes again.

Oh yeah, and that also reminds me, I've been wondering if I may have officially entered into that phase that adults reach, where they've accumulated a sufficient catalogue of artists and albums that they like and appreciate and no longer need to find lots of new music to listen to and enjoy, and maybe every few years they might discover a new artist or two, but for the most part their collection is their collection. I know that even halfway through last year it got totally daunting and unappealing to me to try and keep up with all the new metal bands that were popping up. Even now, I read that some new band is alot like these other 3 or 4 bands I actually like, and I'm just like "why would I listen to them, and not these 3 or 4 other bands?". That kind of thinking also concerns me. It means I'm shutting down.

Every once in a while...

2011-01-22T19:39:00.000-08:00

I was just catching up on metalsucks.net this evening, one of my favourite/most frequented sites in 2009 and 2010 (which I've lost interest in now while I'm in a phase of generally not being very enthused about music), and I saw a post about new albums coming this year from several bands I'm either currently a fan of, or have been in the past.

It got me thinking... I've been following some of these bands for years, one of them I discovered actually about 10 whole years ago, roughly, and it kinda blew my mind that "holy shit, I'm totally in the stage of my life where some of my favourite bands are releasing their 6th, 8th, 10th album, and I still consider their 2nd, 3rd or 4th, to be a classic that they'll never top.

Every so often this occurs to me, that Band X from my high school days is releasing another new album, it's even more disorienting (and depressing) when they haven't released an album I've actually liked for at least 2, sometimes 3 album cycles. I'm not "old" by any stretch yet, but sometimes when you become aware of the passing of time in a certain context, it still makes you FEEL old. Like when I realize, "I am almost 10 years out of high school". Jesus. I feel like I should be married and own a home. Yet, I know more than enough people who are within up to 4 years of my age (above or below) who are STILL plugging away, trying to make it all work, get that 'career' job, going to school part time. Hell, I know just when I look on OKCupid, it seems alarmingly frequent that people in their mid twenties are often "going back to school" or "studying part time". That seems to be the way of this generation.

I have also been thinking alot lately how I definitely feel like I have more the mindset of a 30 year old (or mid-30 year old). I find I relate to people in their thirties frighteningly well, and seriously, I feel like I should be married (or at least in a serious relationship), working a real job, leading a true "grown up" life, making real adult decisions. I feel trapped half way between being a "young adult" and a "full fledged adult". Of course I also know that I say this now, but in another 10 years I'm going to be seriously freaking out. Admittedly, this is because I really feel I've missed out on ALOT of experiences due to my being heavily introverted, shy, anti-social for so long, but not just that.

The good news is I also meet people in their 40s or 50s sometimes who haven't "let themselves go" and had their spirit broken. Those people show me that turning 40 isn't akin to "the beginning of the true end", a line that once you've crossed you become like a leper to anyone still not past the precarious 39. You can still be quite mentally alert, physically healthy (and in some cases, still quite attractive)...

I really think right now I'm just very antsy because there is so little "going on" in my life. I have such a strong urge for progress, for things to happen, to be part of something, and it's really not that easy. I can't just walk into a place I want to work and go "give me some tasks and pay me to do them!". I also can't just go and join a gym, or pay for recording studio time and session musicians to record a killer album that's floating around in my head... I'm kind of just STUCK at the moment and it is definitely exascerbating my stress over time passing without me making "good use" of it. I actually have access to so much information via the internet/library, yet I simply can't sit here and read all day.

The good news is that in the last few days, I *have* been making some progress in changing my thinking patterns for the better. I have proven a theory of mine pretty conclusively. I may know I want or need to do something, but myself alone giving the order is often not enough. If I have some kind of external authority (boss, teacher, counsellor, friend) telling me what I need to do (even if I already knew), being accountable to someone gives me the extra push I need to get shit done and make real changes. This is why, outside of class, I have a very hard time forcing myself to continue to learn, especially anything not directly related to my current class. Same with work, I know there are skills I should be working on, but since I don't have to go into work tomorrow and make use of them expertly, I just can't force myself to practice. And self-improvement? I need someone besides just me to change for. I'm not proud to say it, but it's true.

And now a brief word from our Sponsor.

2011-01-21T19:05:00.000-08:00

Editor's note: we have no sponsor.

I just wanted an excuse to say, I have decided I do not, under virtually ANY circumstances, ever enjoy "halloween" or "christmas" episodes of television shows.

dear TV writers/producers, you may cease and desist anytime, kthx.

(and now back to your regularly scheduled program - everyone ignoring Adam's irrelevant opinions!)

From one extreme to the other

2011-01-21T10:43:00.000-08:00

Well, first there was the very pleasant exchange with the woman this morning, then I went off on my "round 2" of hitting specific local businesses to inquire about openings, and the first one I hit was a team (couple) of 73 year olds, the husband whom ran the accounting portion of the business and the wife who ran a travel/tourism thing. He was busy so she talked to me.

Unfortunately, it seemed very much to me like she was one of those "elderly people who are lonely and bored with their life" and will take any chance they can get to talk your ear off about their story. I really hate to seem so insensitive, but I was on a time budget, most of what she told me about was either completely irrelevant or I already knew, and it's like 'ok, you don't have any work for me, I have other places to go now'.

I'll admit, I'm a hypocrite, because I have my moments, even just in my mid 20s, where I'm bored and lonely and will GLADLY tell my life story so far to whoever will listen, but when I'm in a business mindset (which I don't like to be in UNLESS I actually have business to attend to (ie a job)) I really have no care. I just want yes or no, handshake and on my way. I ask specific questions and want specific answers. It's ironic that many times this is exactly what people want from me, a yes or a no so they can get on with it. So I know what it's like to be on both sides.

I guess we all need to learn to be more patient and understanding sometimes. Well, I do, I shouldn't speak for anyone else.

Score 1 for "Sense of community"

2011-01-21T08:42:00.000-08:00

Well, who knew.

I've been getting told for years now that I need to "network" with people. What I have realized is that there are 2 ways to do this.

There's the way with business cards and blackberries, and there's the way with good old fashioned way.

I just set out this morning to go door to door of local businesses (anything not a chain store, or a convenience store, since convenience stores usually don't even want your resume at all, let alone need someone to do their accounting), and despite a discouraging start, I did find one (and sometimes it only takes one) where the shop owner was very friendly, to the point where I basically wanted to just stop my job hunt, pull up a chair and spend the afternoon talking.

Well, I kinda did end up doing that. Initially when I went in, I just said I was looking to do some bookkeeping work, she told me she already had one but that she was getting pricey so she might consider me, I said thanks (genuinely, I don't hold it against her) and I went on. It was after I walked another block that I started to think "I should go back. She was friendly, I could at least talk to her a bit more, maybe get some more useful info". But not that I wanted to go back and say "tell me what your expenses are like", I genuinely wanted to go back and say "I think your business is really homey, I'd like to hear how you got started and how it's going". For real. I came home to do a bit of quick googling first, but then I decided "I *am* going to go back". And I did.

And I had a really awesome conversation with this woman. She was very friendly, and seemed just as genuinely interested in me and my story as I was in her and hers. It was like just a pure, honest connection between 2 people that I really feel is rare, and it made me feel SO good. I wasn't thinking anything along the lines of "what can she do for me, or what can I get from her", aside from asking who her bookkeeper was, for the most part I was generally just curious about her, and glad to offer up any information to her that she didn't already know that made her happy. It really was just a bare bones, stripped down, one on one exchange. Pure humanity and community. Right now I feel like I'm on an island, separate from 'the mainland' (ie downtown), where it's like a totally different vibe and attitude. I don't WANT to be part of that hustle and bustle. It stresses me out and makes me tense. It's amazing how much a 30 minute conversation with someone you JUST met can be so disarming.

I've been finding myself particularly drawn to people lately who give me that vibe. Like someone who just seems content, mature and honest. They don't have to be brainiacs, because sometimes I find relating to someone just with life experience, and an open mind, can be just as interesting as talking to someone who is an actual rocket scientist. It's an interesting dynamic that I hadn't really thought of until just now. In the last few years I've felt I related far better to people in their 30s (and some in their 40s) than people my own age. But I guess I just don't feel like I really fit in with the current generation... all the iPhones and twitter and such, God, I sound like my parents! haha. It's just really, like who needs it? That's the thing about technology, it's not always necessary, and we just start using it because it's there, and then we get disconnected from the original way which sometimes is just alot more satisfying. Or maybe I'm just tired of our "fast" society. I really do feel that alot of people's priorities and values are wonky. I am trying not to just say "everyone but me" cause I know that's not the case, but it's certainly the case with enough people that I really notice it and it concerns me.

Anyways, I better get back out there. I'm meeting someone this afternoon and I only have a couple of hours to try and hit up a few more places.

That's probably the most writing I've done in one shot in my life...

2011-01-18T11:06:00.000-08:00

I *just* finished a seriously intense bout of writing. Not writing for pleasure, not writing for work (well, not for a job), but writing to get a significant chunk of my thoughts/feelings down on paper and then sort/categorize them. It's been basically a 2 week process and I've spent at least a full days' worth of cumulative writing time to type, edit, re-read, make notes in the margin, cross reference.

It has certainly been eye-opening. Hopefully now that the "big picture" is kind of laid out, I can work on changing the appropriate little details to reflect the change I want to see in the big picture.

It was an intensive activity which I'm glad is over. I can go back to mostly writing about interesting things now. The reason it had to be written though was because it would have taken too long to verbalize under the constraints I face and this way, the chase can be cut to, optimizing the amount of time for 'corrections and adjustments'.

I liken this to an addict preparing to face life without his substance of choice. You know where the problem areas are, and you have to figure out a healthy alternative to what you have been doing in those areas previously. It's not going to be easy, but it's for the best. We'll see how this goes.

Interestingly, part of my reflection process included reviewing lyrics I've written in the past, to demonstrate what my thinking was like then compared to now. It really caught me by surprise that I still relate so closely/easily with words I wrote 4-5 years ago, considering I feel I've changed significantly as a person since then. What seems to actually be the case is the "top layer" has evolved, like a chameleon to adapt and blend with it's new surroundings, but the internal framework remains mostly unchanged... and that's a problem.

But I intend to take a bit of time to point out some lyrics I've written, both 5 years ago as well as 2 years ago (the most recently that I wrote lyrics that I thought said something worth saying, and keeping), and reflect on them, in a post on here soon.

The dilemma...

2011-01-17T13:46:00.000-08:00

Well, as if the facebook experiment wasn't enough of a test for me to change my ways and break dependencies, "fate" decided to throw another wrench into the works.

I don't actually remember what day specifically it originally happened anymore, but it's been I think 5 days, so nearly a week.

My iPod is currently non-functional. It's not completely pooched, but it's currently suffering from an error that is making it both impossible to put anything on/back on, but I can't even restore it now. It's essentially locked in an endless loop of "verifying..."

The first couple of days, I just lived without it (I think I made a point to spend extra time reading a book I've been lent), then I had a bright idea - my blackberry. It has a memory card that I bought last fall, a 4 GB one. It's not the 30 GB that my iPod was able to hold, but it at least meant I've been able to have SOMETHING to listen to, in my case, I've decided to go with podcasts rather than music.

Now, what I have found is that using a blackberry as a personal music player, well, it's not the best. I mean, playing songs on it wouldn't be so bad, but playing podcasts is, as I found out by accident, not foolproof. The blackberry only remembers where in the podcasts you left off, IF you don't close the "now playing" app. I found that by putting the blackberry in the special wait-clip holder it came with, that automatically kills the now playing app by putting the phone in a forced "lockdown" type mode. Putting the phone in regular 'hold' mode seems to be fine. Unfortunately, this is rather inconvenient.

I briefly spoke to someone at the apple store in town and he said 'it sounds like a hard drive issue, there's a good chance it can't be fixed' (or at least, not cheaply and without sending the iPod away). So, the obvious dilemma. The blackberry is not a suitable long term substitution. I need a new, better, PROPER mp3 player (which I can't currently afford). I figured I'd just stick with the iPod brand because I know it, I like it, it works, why not?

Unfortunately, both the iPod classic (which is what I have), and the iPod touch 32 GB (the smallest size model I can get away with to have a room for a decent music/podcast selection), are almost the same price (around $300-350). The problem is that the classic is still a hard disk (but has 6x more capacity), whereas the touch is solid state (aka flash memory), so much less chance of it having a hardware failure (unless user error causes screen damage that renders it inoperable anyway). But I also know that a 32 GB model would eventually cause me the old limitation of having to constantly delete old stuff off to put new stuff on. Right now this isn't so big a deal, as my interest in music has been almost non-existent in the last couple months compared to "normal", but I'm pretty sure that it's just a phase, and I do have something like 60-80 GB of music on my harddrive, not counting podcasts, which take up even more than that I think. I'm also leery of getting into the apps and filling up some of that preciously limited 30 GB with those...

So I'm not really sure what to do. I might have a new full-time job soon, which would certainly help with this, but until I do, I have to think really carefully and be smart in my decision about what I'm going to do. I might have to go and find like a $40 or $50 cheaper MP3 player, something that at least has the ability to remember where I was in a podcast if I choose to switch to something else before it's played all the way through, so I can go back and pick up where I left off. I'd like something with enough memory that I can have SOME music on there, as well as podcasts.

But it has been interesting, being essentially forced to take a step backwards technologically, and while yes it's annoying and inconvenient, it's not the end of the world. In a way I kind of like it actually. Well, part of me does. Part of me certainly would rather go back to having the ability to listen to whatever I wanted, where and whenever I want, once again.

I've actually been reading a bit more lately, which has been kind of nice. Perhaps I'll have a brief reading phase and when that concludes I'll get back into music.

I do intend to write a post about this reading issue, as I have some thoughts to explore on that topic.

Quotes!

2011-01-14T12:28:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I just had the bright idea "hey I've got lots of really cool quotes I've accumulated over time, I think I should share them with you, dear reader. Perhaps you'll find wisdom, insight, perspective, or just a good chuckle :)

"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable man persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man."
-George Bernard Shaw

"The difference between school and life? In school, you're taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you're given a test that teaches you a lesson"
-Tom Bodett

"Some people hate change so much they are willing to fail. Some people hate failure so much they're willing to change"
-Andrew J Rivers

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind."
- Dr. Suess

"An artist must be free to choose what he does, certainly, but he must also never be afraid to do what he might choose"
-Langston Hughes

"Minds are like parachutes, they only function when they are open"
-Sir James Dewar

“The people in this world that know how will always have a job.
The people in this world that know why will always be their boss”
-Unknown

"I always wondered why somebody doesn't do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody."
-Lily Tomlin

"A dialogue always beats a monologue"
- Luke Antony Baker

"You are what you love, not what loves you"
-Adaptation

"Getting what you want is success. Wanting what you get is happiness"
-Unknown

"No matter how the wind blows it cannot expect to bend the stalwart earth, and no matter what shape the earth takes it cannot hope to capture the boundless wind"
- Unknown

"If I could be any part of you; I’d be your tears. To be conceived in your heart, born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and die on your lips."
-Cale Yarborough

"Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it"
-Unknown

"Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people."
-Unknown

"A goal is a dream with a deadline."
-Napoleon Hill l.

"Faith means not wanting to know what is true."
-Nietzsche

"I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours."
-Stephen F. Roberts

"It is folly for a man to pray to the gods for that which he has the power to obtain by himself."
-Epicurus

"A man can fail many times, but he is not a failure until he gives up"
-Unknown

"The only faith you should have is in humanity. Without that, all hope is lost"
-unknown

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace."
-Jimi Hendrix

"I reject your reality and substitute my own!"
-Adam Savage, Mythbusters

"I don't care if I go to hell, at least it'll be warm there and I'll know people"
- Unknown (Overheard)

"Give a man an inch and he'll think he's a ruler" - unknown

"A programmer is just a tool which converts caffeine into code" -Unknown

“A city built on rock and roll would be structurally unsound” -Unknown

"These guys suck. They can’t even play in 4/4" -Unknown

"That joke went so far over your head, NASA is currently tracking it"-Unknown

"The word of the day is legs. spread the word" - Unknown

"Man's reach must exceed his grasp or what is a penis for?" - Unknown

"It's like sex, but I'm having it!" - Fry from Futurama

"FINISH YOUR PUSSY - there are horny kids in Etheopia!" - I think this was a t-shirt design I saw one time

So, I hope you enjoyed that. I had a few others that amuse me but probably wouldn't amuse you because the context is very important. Either way, a good mix of wisdom, romance, art, humour and of course, sexy.

Wait, that guy was WHO?

2011-01-14T11:41:00.000-08:00

Have you ever stopped to think (if you are a Torontonian who makes use of the TTC at all), that the person next to you might be someone famous, important or powerful? Most of us probably don't, we either have our headphones in, or we're reading a book, or texting, or playing a game on our phone. Most of us ignore those around us, with the exception of crazy homeless people.

Anyway, in most cases, yes the people around us on the streetcar/bus/subway are just average people, but sometimes they're not.

I mean yeah, it's not often that say, the CEO of the Air Canada Centre (or something like that) would be taking a streetcar, but there are sometimes there are people among us who we wouldn't expect.

Unfortunately I'm over glorifying the example I'm about to make, but the point/analogy stands.

Earlier this week, I hopped on the streetcar and was standing next to a woman at one point, who had a card fall out of her pocket and I noticed it, so I pointed it out to her incase it was important. She said "oh, it's just my business card, here you go" and handed it to me. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to just look at it, or keep it, I kind of fell on the side of caution and kept it.

I forgot about it until I got home, at which point I was emptying my pockets and found it. I put it on my computer desk. I think it wasn't until the following day that I happened to turn it over and notice something written on it. No, not a phone number, but a website.

I thought 'hmm, maybe someone wrote this down for her and she might actually need the info', so I sent her an email (from the one listed on the card) to let her know. She wrote back and thanked me. That was 2 days ago but I just checked the email today. And I got curious who she was, because she mentioned some fundraising event (and invited me to it). I looked her up on linkedin (or rather, that was the first google result that came up that I knew was the right person), and it turns out she is a media producer and college professor. See, like I said, we're not talking the founder of twitter here, but in my mind, she is successful, a professional and her position kind of intimidates me, since I'm still chasing entry level positions.

It kind of reminded me a bit of that episode of friends where Chandler got trapped in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre. Except Jill Goodacre is actually 'famous'. And Friends is a fictional television show. But my proposed scenario would have had it that Chandler didn't know who Jill Goodacre was, ie didn't recognize her for her celebrity and just thought she was some pretty woman. That's another scenario that intrigues me, if I were to run into a pretty girl under such circumstances, and was just trying to be nice in saying hello and trying to flirt a little, would she automatically assume I knew who she was and was trying to capitalize? I guess it would depend on who 'she' was and how often she gets approached. It honestly surprises me just how many dirty looks I get from alot of females just walking down the street, as if to say 'don't you look at me jerk! you're not allowed to lay eyes on this and like it, or even think about being with me'.

Anyways! It just got me thinking, I wonder how many times I've been sitting or standing next to someone, who's life or career I would actually be interested in/intimidated by. Kinda makes me want to talk to random people on the TTC more. But then I remember, most of the people who do initiate unprovoked conversations tend to be people who are starved for attention. I am however getting better at connecting with people in public. The one thing I hate is when I end up sitting next to a guy who looks like he works construction, talks like a redneck, bitches about ANYTHING and gets pissy if you ignore him. Some people have bigger problems then not having enough beer money, pal.

There, I just wanted to explore that thought.

A potentially half-hearted post

2011-01-13T13:36:00.001-08:00

So you may have noticed that suddenly, I've been very quiet for a few days. I'm still here/alive/kicking/etc, but I've had alot on my mind, been actually busier (yay!) and the last few days I've just been kind of an unfocused mess, or at least, focused so keenly on one specific thing that everything else has been neglected.

I'm happy to not have nothing to do with my time, and while yes I am more productive and efficient when I have commitments, I do realize there are also ways in which being busier makes me... for lack of a better term... "worse".

For one thing, when I get stressed, I get extremely indecisive, and sometimes even get to the point where I just completely lose the ability to think rationally/logically and need someone to grab me, stop my head from spinning, point me in the right direction and say "go".

I have been trying to be more assertive about some things as of late, which meant that yesterday I called one temp agency to inquire about some jobs. I won't get into the details, but because of the way one thing was presented to me (I was asked something rather than told it), I hesitated and it cost me. It's not the end of the world, but it was kind of a wake-up call.

I have to leave for class in 20 minutes, and I was trying to decide what to do with that time, I kind of feel like watching an episode of a good sit-com, but I don't have anything that I haven't already seen before, or been watching too much of lately and need to take a break from (I'm looking at you Community. Awesome show but best staggered over time for optimal enjoyment). I don;t have time to download anything new, and surfthechannel seems to be bad lately at having newer episodes of shows I watch actually available. So I decided to write a quick blog post, and I really don't feel this one is great, I don't really feel like I'm saying much, I'm kind of just filling time.

I'm probably not going to be posting again for several days yet, as I'm booked fairly solid through till Monday, at which point if I don't have a job offer on the table, I need to get back to job hunting, and then have class that night.

I do have to say, I am not fond of having mostly all night classes. Thank goodness I have time during the day right now, but it's almost like living your day backwards, instead of getting up, going to work, coming home, relaxing and then going to sleep, I get up, take care of some stuff but nothing too serious or intensive, mostly just take it easy, then head to school which puts me more in the 'work' mindset, then I have to come home and try to go to sleep.

Thankfully half my class nights will be free by the end of the month, and as of March I will only have 1 class left (the other two are 7 week classes). So this month is rough, but it won't be so bad next month, and March onward will be kinda quiet.

A post about Asperger Syndrome

2011-01-09T18:42:00.000-08:00

I have not actually mentioned the subject of asperger syndrome (AS) in this blog before, but it recently came up again in my personal life. It's something I was sort of inadvertently turned onto last year, and seemed to really click with me, but then I had some verbal altercations with a few people who basically said "until you're properly diagnosed, it's offensive to say or assume that you have it". And things like "just because you're socially awkward doesn't mean you have AS". Apparently alot of people go "oh hey, this makes you socially awkward, I must have it!". No. I do research. And I can honestly say "well this trait fits me, but this other one doesn't. I felt kind of 50/50 last year, but some more recent research has made me feel more 80/20.

For instance, this list (found at http://www.help4aspergers.com/pb/wp_4a3112c8/wp_4a3112c8.html) almost entirely applies to me, and even a few of the traits listed I have not seen before in relation to AS (namely the sensitivity to the texture of food, which I certainly have). I have not been to a doctor for a proper diagnosis, but the evidence is mounting on this one. It explains so much. And some of these traits I used to have more as a teenager (physical clumsiness, socially withdrawn) but have overcome quite well. Anyway, here's the list, and I suppose if you relate to alot of these as well, or know someone who does, it might be worth doing some research of your own on the subject of AS.

Personal / Physical

Repetitive routines or rituals
Can engage in tasks (sometimes mudane ones) for hours and hours
Flat, or blank expression much of the time
Doesn't always recognize faces right away (even close loved ones)
Strong sensitivity to sound, touch, taste, sight, and smell (e.g. fabrics—won’t wear certain things, fluorescent lights)
Sensitivity to the texture of foods
Eccentric personality
Idiosyncratic attachment to inanimate objects
Being "in their own world" / Preoccupied with their own agenda
Highly gifted in one or more areas, e.g. math, music, etc
Single-mindedness
Likes and dislikes can be very rigid
Can spend hours in the library researching, loves learning and information
May have difficulty staying in college despite a high level of intelligence
Limited interests / Intense focus on one or two subjects
Unusual preoccupations
Collects things
Early in life they often have a speech impediment
Clumsiness / Uncoordinated motor movements
Speech and language peculiarities / hyperlexia
Non-verbal communication problems: difficulty reading body language, facial expression and tone
Word repetition (they may frequently repeat what you've just said)
Excellent rote memory

Social Interactions

Desire for friendships and social contact but difficulty acquiring and maintaining them
Shuts down in social situations
Social withdrawal / may avoid social gatherings
Lack of interest in other people
Lack of empathy at times
Difficulty understanding others’ feelings
Can obsess about having friends to prove they’re “normal”
Rigid social behavior due to an inability to spontaneously adapt to variations in social situations
Has an urge to inform that can result in being blunt / insulting
Preoccupied with their own agenda
Great difficulty with small-talk and chatter

In Relationships (these mainly pertain to AS men in relationships. Sorry to split along gender lines but there are differences.)

Can often be distant physically and/or emotionally.
Often are attracted to another purely because they are attracted to him
He has a hard time saying I love you, showing physical affection; as a result it is difficult to find out if they do love you
He can be very critical and takes it personally if she won’t wear something he likes, or wears something he dislikes
Can stop putting any effort into relationship after a time, and doesn’t understand why she then stops giving too
Often times they will make no motions to keep a relationship (be it friendship, or something more) going
They won't call, and you might not see them for days. That doesn't mean they don't care.
He will do what he thinks is best for the both of them but seldom talks to her about her feelings or opinions
If she tries to share her love for him, he may find her need to “connect” smothering
His attention is narrowly focused on his own interests
Men with undiagnosed AS often feel as if their partner is being ungrateful or “bitchy” when she complains he is uncaring or never listens to her
He can become quite defensive when she asks for clarification or a little sympathy. The defensiveness can turn into verbal abuse (usually not physical abuse) as the man attempts to control the communication to suit his view of the world.

FOCUSING ON THE POSITIVE:

Focus and diligence – The Asperger ability to focus on tasks for a long period of time without needing supervision or incentive is legendary.
Internal motivation – as opposed to being motivated by praise, money, bills or acceptance. This ensures a job done with conscience, with personal pride.
Independent, unique thinking – people with AS tend to spend a lot of time alone and will likely have developed their own unique thoughts as opposed to a ‘herd’ mentality.
Higher fluid intelligence – scientists in Japan have recently discovered that AS children have a higher fluid intelligence than non-autistic children. Fluid intelligence is "the ability to find meaning in confusion and solve new problems. It is the ability to draw inferences and understand the relationships of various concepts, independent of acquired knowledge.” (Wikipedia 2009) Experts say that those with AS have a higher than average general IQ as well.
Visual, three-dimensional thinking – some with AS are very visual in their thought processes, which lends itself to countless useful and creative applications.
Attention to detail – sometimes with painstaking perfection.
Honesty – the value of being able to say “the emperor isn’t wearing any clothes.”
Logic over emotion – although people with AS are very emotional at times, we spend so much time ‘computing’ in our minds that we get quite good at it. We can be very logical in our approach to problem-solving.

I do intent to see a doctor about this eventually (now isn't really convenient for various reasons), but I think this puts alot of stuff in context for me so it makes sense to include it as part of the whole 'why I think and act the way I do' narrative.

I'm also reading a book a friend lent me about anxiety as experienced by people with AS and I'm relating strongly to much of that as well. So again, I'm not saying I have it for sure, but I strongly suspect I do, and the friend who lent me the book, her partner has it and she says she knows/has known other people with it and it was clear to her almost from the first time she met me, that I had it. I'd like to get the official diagnosis though, because I would like to be able to say with a clear conscience that yes, I have it, and that is why I have some of the quirks and shortfalls and eccentricities I do, but then I can also say 'but here are the positives/advantages'.

Another revelation from The Colony

2011-01-07T13:07:00.000-08:00

I am watching The Colony, and for the first time they actually did something right out of Survivor's playbook. They allow the participants to see their loved ones, after 44 days of seclusion. Mind you it's in the form of videos/pictures on an iPhone, but still.

And kinda like in WifeSwap, when the overbearing parents realize they need to chill out, and the parents who let their kids do whatever realize that a little structure isn't a bad thing, on The Colony, the gruff, grumpy 'don't complain about having to do an honest days work' guy, he finally realizes that he's been to gruff and needs to chill out a bit. And he made a comment that I know I keep harping on (moreso in emails or in conversations with friends, but did mention it in my last Colony post), that family and loved ones are all that matter in the end. Keep them close, tell them you love them, appreciate them. That's the way it should be.

I'm not proud to admit that I'm not very close to my family at all. I see family gatherings around the holidays as more of a thing I *have* to do, than I want to. I appreciate them for what they do and that I know they will always help me if I need it, but I guess I just kind of feel like there isn't a whole lot left to say to them. I certainly couldn't talk to my dad, mom or sister every week and have a solid, refreshing conversation. My life is pretty mundane. Most people just work and then do whatever in their spare time. I don't find that alot of people have interesting things to say about their job (in alot of cases their jobs bores them or they don't like it anyway). So as always, I'm going to take responsibility and say I realize I could and should try harder to not take my family for granted, but at the same time, some families actually are alot closer, get along better and mesh better. This isn't so much the case with my family. There are some strained relationships and in the family overall (as in, including aunts/uncles and cousins), my dad and myself are kind of the black sheep.

And much like how I really didn't care so much in high school or college and didn't try to fit in, I don't care so much now. I'm doing my own thing, trying to get my life where I want it to be.

But the point I was going to make originally, is that I kind of think that a big part of alot of families and communities not being as close and tight knit as they could be until one of those pivotal moments happens that brings everyone together, I think we do get complacent in our daily and weekly lives, it's inevitable because of the way society is structured. The whole "honeymoon phase" of a relationship/marriage comes to mind. In time, whether it be a few months or a few years, people get comfortable and bored. It's not until perhaps your partner nearly dies, or you find out they were cheating, that it kind of snaps you back to the moment and makes you think about how you really feel. I think it's sad that this is true of most people, but I can also acknowledge that at least it's good to know that most people also possess the ability to 'come together' when it matters. You can be neglectful for years but if you're there for someone in the moment they need you, and they forgive you for the past and you can forgive yourself, it's OK I guess, right?

Then I can't help but wonder, if I DID go through an experience like surivor, or the colony, or a real life event that just shook me to my core and made me wake up and want to dedicate myself to a better way of living, I wonder if it would stick, and for how many people it sticks. Because I think human nature is to slip back into a routine, unless your living situation gets fundamentally and irreversibly changed, I imagine alot of people would revert, if not completely then at least partially.

It brings me to a dilemma, more and more I am noticing how I don't like alot of aspects of modern society and the way that it has led many people to be, and it's alot of effort to go against the grain and stand for what you believe is right, but I also couldn't walk away from it, not completely. Well, this is getting towards a topic I have in mind for another post, but I have noticed just in the last 2-3 years that there has been a significant, fundamental change in my values, priorities and motives. I feel like I'm thinking and acting more like someone in their mid 30s than mid 20s. And I think that also contributes to my paranoia and anxiety about reaching the 30 mark, because even though I know that isn't 'life over', it does conclude a significant chapter of the human experience, which I am admittedly, frantically scrambling to get as much out of as I can before it's gone and I have to move on and do what a proper 30 year old should. Yes, I'm compartmentalizing myself. Perhaps the counsellor can help me with that.

Really all this thinking just makes me want to try more social experiments. I'm both curious what I will learn about myself, as well as others. I also feel like I'm never going to actually find 'the answer', which will keep things interesting.

Tiredness, second winds, being a slave to biology...

2011-01-06T13:39:00.000-08:00

Well, here I am again. This is one very annoying trend. When I want to be awake and lively to enjoy my night, I am tired by 7 or 8pm and struggle to kill time so as to not go to sleep too early and wake up at say, 4am, fully rested and unable to "sleep in". But then sometimes, like tonight, 9pm rolls around and I've somehow gone and perked myself up and feel like I could go for a few more hours.

Admittedly this time it is mostly my own fault, I know what I've done to trigger my alertness. I had originally planned to shoot for a 10 or 10:30 bedtime, but it looks like 11 will be the earliest. Not like I *have* to get up early tomorrow, my day is actually pretty much completely wide open (which is actually a bad thing...), but the last few nights I've been going to bed rather late which is not a habit I want to get into!

Since my whole breakdown into temptation of taking red bull on new years eve, I've been thinking ALOT about how great it was to be able to stay alert for so long, with pretty much no effort required on my part. And since then I have realized just how much I hate being a slave to tiredness, but also how it has to do partly with the fact that I have to keep my mind stimulated in the right kind of way. I just spent about an hour writing PMs to people, which kinda started to make me zone out, then I switched to answering some survey questions which perked me up again. Now I'm writing a blog post, which I probably shouldn't be since it's also getting my grey matter revved up. Luckily lately I've been finding having RSS feeds on my phone is helpful, as sometimes simple games just aren't enough (or get boring), and browsing the web, even on a smartphone, just seems clunky and pointless to me. If only I had a steady influx of email to answer! Hmm, maybe I need to advertise this blog and get some comments! Actually one thing I have been thinking about alot is a podcast. I really would like to do one, but I would need the right co-host, which I have a few in mind but they are all too busy (or sick) at the moment. But I've always been curious what kind of email podcast hosts get, even just based on the email I myself have sent to podcast hosts in past. While part of my wants to open this blog up to more people, part of me is also scared, because I do get rather personal sometimes (and self-incriminating) and I *want* to be able to be honest but I also have to be mindful of people potentially finding/reading this who I don't want to. I've started being more covert in my tales, changing names, leaving out key details, probably doesn't matter, but for now that will be my practice.

Anyways, I'm going to end this now. There is a very good chance there might be a long, rambling post tomorrow, as I might want and need to kill a good couple hours emptying my thoughts. I've proven so far that I have no shortage of ideas/things to say, so...

One of those days, sort of

2011-01-04T13:38:00.001-08:00

Well, I'm very happy to say that today was fairly productive. I had intended it to be, and while it wasn't quite the complete and utter success I hoped, I arrived home, just before 5pm, feeling accomplished and like I'd earned a night of relaxing. I had intended to take care of some stuff when I got home, but as it turns out an hour later, I'm tired! I did do alot of walking around the downtown core today.

I had an appointment, then a job interview (which went great, more on that later), then I circled around at the very bottom of the U part of the TTC, visiting 6 separate temp agencies to update/register.

I had meant to do a post a few days ago about something that happened earlier this week, but it got away from me, and I got lazy. Unfortunately right now I'm mentally tired as well as physically, but I'm going to try and write a good post anyways and hope it helps perk me up.

So on Monday, I had a usual weekly meeting with my boss. Or at least, what I expected to be a usual meeting. Back at the very end of November, I was downgraded from a 2 week stink of "semi-full time" (working 5 days a week, but not 8 hours a day every one of those days), back to part time, as I had started, and was given 6 weeks to attempt to address the issue (a particularly crucial/important skill/type of experience I lacked) and we would 'review' in mid January. Well, mid Jan came a week sooner than I expected, and unfortunately the deficiency on my part wasn't something that could be corrected substantially enough in a month's time, to help. As a result, I am once again wide open for any and all work opportunities that may cross my path. Yes it sucks that I no longer have a job, since the same thing happened to me literally 51 weeks ago, but in both cases I wasn't upset. Last time I *was* blindsided, but relieved, as I had wanted out anyways and was having alot of difficulty in making anything happen. This time around, I was aware of the possibility, had a strong suspicion it was coming, and was prepared for it. I was feeling like I didn't really fit and was planning to seek more ideal opportunities (ironically feeling guilty about having to jump ship when my boss gave me a really great chance and invested alot of time and effort in training me), so it was kind of bittersweet. I'll be okay for a little while, enough time to get back on my feet with something better I think.

After getting the news, I had a friend's birthday party from 3 till whenever I was too tired to keep having fun. And to my surprise, despite bringing the remaining red bull from new years just incase, I not only didn't end up needing it, but didn't leave until midnight, which is 2 hours later than I expected to last. The party was great, got to play a few board games, got to have a couple really interesting conversations, and achieved a personal goal as well. There was a couple at the party who I've met before through my friend who's party it was. The first time I met them was I believe at a party at her house, possibly her birthday last year, or a housewarming, I don't completely remember now. Anyways, back then I was much more desperate for attention and for people to like me, and for more people to play games with. This couple own alot of games and apparently host alot of game days, so I saw it as 'I have to get in good with these folks so I can benefit from this'. I ended up being brought as a guest to a game day at their place with my friend, and I feel like I made a bad impression. Nothing was obviously/directly said, but I just felt a vibe, and in retrospect I'm not surprised. Anyway, this time around with my new goals in the facebook experiment and other goals I haven't actually published yet, I wanted to throttle my social presence at this party, to try and enjoy myself but not detract from anyone else's experience, or make a bad showing of myself as I know I sometimes do. And I felt I did a very good job, in both getting an experience I wanted but also contributing in the way I wanted to the atmosphere and conversations that took place. And as for that couple? Well I ended up having a really nice, personal, opening up type conversation with her and that was really cool to me. I *wanted* to hear what she thought and how she felt about some things, and she opened up to me and I returned the favour. I was really pleased, as some of the things we discussed are things you RARELY talk about with someone you don't know very well. Bonus? I got invited to their next game day. As in directly invited, not brought as a guest. So that's score one for new year goals.

Tuesday was uneventful, yesterday was better, I connected with someone through OKCupid, hopefully that will lead to something good, whether just a new friend or more, and then it was off to games night where I played 2 games I had wanted requested, and 1 that I just said 'what the heck, why not?' to. Unfortunately that one ended up being not very fun in my opinion. I wouldn't play it again. But the other two were better. Infact one of them I'd played before but now found I enjoyed it quite a bit. I would have given it a 6/10 from memory of playing 9 months ago, to an 8/10 now. I definitely want to get a copy when my financial situation can support that safely.

So, on to today!

This morning I had my initial appointment with my new counsellor, who is really awesome, I'm very excited to work with her. We seem to get along great and be very similar type of people so I think that's good. I'm also attracted to her, which I don't know yet if that's a bad or good thing, but yeah. I think maybe right now I'm so desperate to stop obsessing about my unavailable/inaccessible ex that I'm kind of latching onto anyone else who is pretty and has a great personality. But anyway, so yes I'm looking forward to the sessions ahead, I really think there's going to be some big breakthroughs and lots of growth, and a fantastic new me at the end of it!

Then I had to rush off to my interview. It was in the east end, and I got there 20 mins early, so I wandered around a 7-eleven briefly. I want to pause for a moment to point something out. I know some people are great workers, very intelligent and skilled, but just lack interview skills. Kind of like how some people have to study hours and hours to do well on tests, where others seem to hardly try and just do great. Well, much to the frustration and disbelief of my sister (who over-prepares for anything job related), I found a few years ago that I was alot better in interviews the less prep I did. It had to do with the trying to memorize all the right answers. I just kind of went over some example questions, to get the answers/keywords/ideas rolling around in my head, then I would go to the interview, and not think about it at all during the travel. Then in the interview, I'd be asked questions and I would just sift through the stuff in my head and spit out an answer. Not always the best, but I found that this way I was much more relaxed. I didn't put pressure on myself and I know it showed. And after having several good interviews using this method, I have realized it's just what works for me. I also don't have to study super hard on tests. However today, I did even less prep than I normally would, which worried me a bit, but I did enough to figure I could get by and hopefully smooth talk my way through any rough patches.

Sometimes you just get lucky, and hardly even have to try anyways. The guy who interviewed me seemed to like me from the get-go. And the more I said, the more he seemed satisfied. And I was REALLY trying to break my usual bad habit of giving a 2 minute answer to a question that only required a 30 second answer. I caught myself a few times, and even resisted my normal urge to correct, or add to certain things. I took the advice "don't point out your flaws, let THEM find them after you're hired" to heart. I didn't want to, because it feels dishonest that I didn't disclose that I maybe didn't have *quite* as much experience as he thought on one given task, but it's not my responsibility to make sure during training to ask for extra attention on those. But, for the first time in my life, something really surprising happened in a job interview. He asked me how much I was expecting to be paid. I told him the same amount I had been making seemed fine. He gave me a chance to upgrade if I wanted, and I just really didn't know what to do, so I ultimately played it safe and stayed put. At the end of the interview, he asked 'have you reconsidered yet?' and I said 'it crossed my mind...', and then I told him I have mostly worked hourly minimum wage jobs so I don't really know what's appropriate (which in retrospect was a REALLY risky/dumb thing to say that just slipped out, but in this case, paid off), and he said 'tell you what, I'll do this for you, cause I think you deserve it', and gave me a 33% raise. He also said that I got a second interview and that he really liked my style and that I was pretty much the front-runner. Of course I realize that he can say that and it won't necessarily be true, or stay true (he's still got more people to interview, I could get shown up by someone else potentially), so I'm not counting my chickens prematurely, but it was a pretty nice turn of events and ego boost.

Then off on my wild goose chase around downtown. It started snowing at the beginning and by the time I finally hopped on the streetcar to come home, it was a steady snowfall. I'm glad I don't really have to go anywhere tonight.

Well, I am a little more alert now, still kind of tired but better. The main thing I wanted to do tonight, I'm not sure if I have the energy for even still, but I don't know.

I have really been enjoying writing for this blog lately. It's been really good to share my thoughts, and whereas normally I feel like 'no one is reading this so it's pointless', now I think one person actually IS reading it, and I guess in part I am sort of writing these posts to him, but they're still *for* me.

I'm feeling good today. Not sure about tomorrow, seems like it's going to be slow, but the weekend certainly won't be, then next week, things will pick up more.

"The Social Experiment without the Social Network"

2011-01-04T10:17:00.000-08:00

So, here is the facebook post I wrote this morning. Spent 2 hours on it. Even though it was written with the intention of being posted on facebook, and was directed at that audience, I'm going to cross post it here, verbatim. It has come to my attention that things posted on facebook kind of get forgotten about and left behind, so I'd rather have this chronicled here as well, for future reference.

Here it is!

I haven’t made a formal announcement yet, as the scope, parameters and goals of my project weren’t completely clear even to me before I started, and have only taken real shape partway into the experiment, so I'm able to share them now.

The experiment is that I am attempting a restructure/reformat of my social life/social presence, and having identified facebook as the primary crutch of my laziness, as it makes it so easy to “keep up” with people, while putting in virtually zero effort, I decided I wanted to see if I could still live happily and healthily in a facebook-less void (as if facebook did not and never had existed), and still have a viable social life. Me being someone who that does not come naturally to. So for the last week (so far) I have had facebook closed and have been pretending there is no facebook. It has been interesting and I started noticing things pretty quickly.

A little backstory as to why I decided to perform this experiment, if you’re interested, if not, feel free to scroll past:

I have mentioned to a few people that I have been dissatisfied with both my social standing as well as my own social efforts, for a while now. It occurred to me the other day that both in high school and in college, I very much willfully avoided extraneous social involvement, I went home every day for lunch in high school, in spares, went straight home after school (always running home to the computer or video games), in college much the same, I didn’t stick around unless I had to. I didn’t hang out with classmates in residence or the pub. Even on spares I would find a quiet corner somewhere and do my own thing on my laptop. I never really made efforts, and it was often enough that friends would invite me out that I got enough social interaction to please me.

The downside to this lifestyle and behaviour is two-fold. It meant I never really learned how to effectively “fit in” appropriately in several key social situations (so as to not stand out clearly like “what’s THAT guy doing here? He’s so out of place!), primarily anything involving consumption of alcohol or pot. In my adult life this has become a prevalent issue, in that whereas before I was avoiding it mostly because I disagreed with it (thinking that any alcohol had the direct effect of making people into careless, obnoxious yokels), I came to accept and respect “responsible drinking” but now I avoid it because I never really learned how to fit in with people who drink anyways. In some situations it’s easier than others, but now I don’t want to be that boring, stick in the mud buzzkill in the corner, I want to experience what all the fun is about that makes people engage in this activity on such a regular basis. The other downside is that since my friends would invite me out and include me just enough for me to get the amount of social stimulation I was happy with, and the rest of the time I was happy to do my own thing, well now that the time has come that this naturally introverted dude is started to get more extroverted, he is not used to making calls, making plans, organizing shit and facilitating the kinds of social atmospheres he wants to be a part of. Sorry for the switch to 3rd person there… I’m getting better, but it’s still very trial and error, and I get easily discouraged, but I’m sticking to it and each little bit of progress helps get me closer to where I want to be. This has been a long time coming. And it’s going to open a lot of new possibilities for me.

END OF BACKSTORY

Alright, so back to the results of the experiment so far. I thought I’d take a moment to share a few quick findings:

-I’ve missed several birthdays since I haven’t been on facebook to be reminded of them. Hey wait, isn’t that what calendars and memory are for? (Yes, this ties back into what I was saying about FB making it too easy and thus allowing the user to be lazy and complacent. Guilty as charged)

-I’ve missed several articles, youtube videos, wall photos and interesting status updates. Well, that is to say I *assume* I have, as I haven’t actually checked to verify, but *have* realized this past week that I’ve been to far less offsite articles/videos/images. I’ve noticed a distinct disruption in the pattern of that habit. So something’s definitely different. Oh yeah, and I currently have 5 unread notifications, which are going to stay unread for now. Because for the moment “they don’t exist”.

-I’ve taken several mobile photos that I’ve wanted to upload but haven’t, and there have been at least a dozen quips or observations I’ve wanted to post as a status, and haven’t, and that has been weird, but then I realize, that’s how it used to be. You had something on your mind, YOU CALLED SOMEONE TO TALK ABOUT IT. You connect and you bond over it. Then you have a memory too! As opposed to a soon to be forgotten facebook status. Not running to facebook every time something interesting, funny or frustrating happens is a big change I’ve found.

-I had been getting tired of the drama and BS that people post either as their own status or comments on someone else’s. It’s been a nice break to not see any of that for a little while. And it made me realize just how much I was actually doing it myself! Mind you now it means that in order to figure out who the drama queens are, I have to spend more real time with them and see what comes to the surface. Facebook made it easier to see who was really worth facetime and who wasn’t.

I have to say I’m pleased with the experiment so far. I’ve been pretty faithful in sticking to the plan I set, and I have noticed it’s causing me to have to be more proactive about my social life (good), it’s forcing me to be less lazy (very good), use my memory more, even my planning and problem solving skills. But most importantly, it’s changing the way I think, and it really is a great example of “you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone”. I knew before I started this, that facebook IS a great tool. The problem was I had become too reliant on it (as I believe a lot of other people are as well) and I wanted to fix that. Even in the case of my birthday, which is in roughly 2 months, I’ve already started to plan for a party, since last year, 6 weeks advance notice wasn’t enough for some people, but when it came to figuring out what is the best way to plan and schedule an event and invite people and be able to easily keep track of who is in or out and stay on top of any changes in the interim? I can’t deny that facebook certainly would make this a hell of a lot easier, and I’m most likely going to use facebook for this purpose, but it was just interesting to me, once again, how reliant I was on FB and could I actually think of a viable alternative? If you know of something, let me know, I’ll certainly consider it! But ultimately the reason for me backing off from facebook is to take away the ‘easy way out’ and force myself to grow and evolve as a person, to learn healthier, more positive and sustainable ways to achieve social goals for one. I’ve also been attempting to tweak my communication skills and while from a typed perspective they definitely need work (way too wordy!), it doesn’t hurt to get better and more confident in speaking to people face to face. Mostly though I’m just shy of strangers. That’s changing though!

Another point I just thought of, is in respect to the way most interactions occur on facebook. Most of them are small, a quick comment on a status or post, in a lot of cases just “liking” something. What I see with that, is in my mind equivalent to that person you see on the bus/subway every day on the way to work, you both nod at each other, maybe exchange a bit of quick banter about the weather or something, but ultimately it’s not a terribly meaningful interaction, and it’s more just going through the motions. I know not everyone is like me and they don’t all want most of their social interactions to either be informative or stimulating (ie hearty discussion/debate), but I don’t quite understand why a lot of people seem content with lesser interactions with other people. Of course I just finished typing that and then realized “yes, but you’re assuming that what you see people doing on facebook is the same as what they do in real life with the same friends”. So that acknowledgement has to be made. I realize to some people, facebook isn’t meant to be a discussion forum, it’s meant to be somewhere they can quickly read what their friends are doing, quickly comment and get on with things. But then on that same token, I’ve seen several times where someone posts a status, then a friend comments, then they reply to the comment, and next thing you know they’ve basically had a long, text message style conversation on facebook. I’ve done that once or twice myself but I usually type up a longer PM after a couple replies because I realize it’s better served that way. Anyways I don’t want to distract too much from my main points, for the purposes of this note, I am trying to stay focused on the fact that I had a personal goal and this section was to say that in the case of wanting more meaningful interactions, I don’t think facebook is the best place for that. I feel it makes it too easy to have a lackadaisical attitude towards it. But that’s less a strike against facebook, and more a strike against me (and people like me) for getting lazy when given an easier way to do something, but not keeping up the skills to do it the more traditional way as well. Ironically sometimes when I do type out long messages on facebook to initiate that meaningful interaction, some people complain! :-/

When I was originally thinking about running this experiment, the lone goal was basically just “see if I can live without facebook for x amount of time, if I am truly addicted or not”. I had some other goals but they were more ‘wait and see’. I’ve actually added goals as I have progressed: “go outside more and talk to real people”. “stop posting self indulgent shit, or putting your drama or frustrations out on the internet as a cry for attention”. “become more independent and proactive in getting the information, resources and interaction you desire”. I am accomplishing all these goals and intend to keep working at them. A couple of things I’ve touched on as well, creating lasting memories with people, and starting to really experience things I haven’t before and thus have a greater range of life experience and make it easier to relate to more different people about more things (as opposed to only nerds, musicians and fellow college students to name a few primary examples). That has been something I’ve thought about a lot lately. I’m not good at small talk, and it’s hard to break the ice without to pave the way for a serious/deep conversational topic. A goal of mine is to get better at that. I’ve been surprised more than a few times in the last couple of years when I’ve dug past the surface with some people who didn’t initially seem like they had much hidden complexity, to find out who they really are and that they have some really interesting experience and thoughts to share. (Note: this is a character flaw on my part, I’m quick to judge, and yes I’m working on it).

I have not yet decided when I’m going to start using FB more again, nor in what capacities exactly. My original goal was to go the entire month of January (I started early, on December 28th), but I am already seeing results, and just having made significant changes to the way I think about this already has been a big deal and a small victory to build from, and I don’t think I will really have to worry about reverting back to my old ways. I still plan to limit my use/involvement in facebook when I do end up re-integrating (not to mention time for a friendslist clean sweep), but my ultimate goal was to not depend on it to know what’s going on, or to feel like I’m part of something. It should be little more than a tool. I really thought this was going to be harder and more painful than it has been. It’s actually been nice. I admit I’ve been curious what people have posted that I would have been interested in, but again, that’s where I need to call, text or email to find out what’s new and interesting.

Also, I want to acknowledge that I know for some people, facebook is necessary because they are literally too busy to be able to keep in touch with people otherwise. I’m not saying everyone should quick facebook and only talk on the phone or in person. I also have to acknowledge that I know that I am only talking about myself in some of my criticisms of facebook, ie I’m not saying that anyone who uses facebook is guilty of being lazy about their social life and forgetting birthdays and posting too much self indulgent shit, I have seen other people do it too, but I am not trying to state as a fact that if you use facebook, than you are also failing/neglectful in these other ways too. I just know that I have observed this about myself and some other people so I wanted to point it out.

I don’t expect anyone else to suddenly follow my lead in this experiment (although if you do, kudos to you!), but if you have any thoughts you’d like to share on the idea, feel free. I think I will allow myself to read/respond to posts on this note (I’ll stay away from the news feed).

So yes, this is why I’ve been quiet lately, and why I may not have replied to a comment you made on something of mine (or a question asked in a comment), and why I will likely not be responding to much going forward. I have to figure out the level of involvement I’m comfortable with.

Boy I've really taken to this writing thing again, apparently

2011-01-04T09:05:00.000-08:00

I need to stop spending 2 hours on each post/email I want to write. But when they get as long as they do, and I'm paranoid about forgetting to say something, or I'm afraid I haven't fully, sufficiently supported a point I wanted to make, care must be put into proofreading and revisions!

Anyway, I've got a few posts up in my head, now I just need to type them out! I just finished my "press release" for why I'm currently "on hiatus" from facebook (mostly). This post is going to be on the shorter side (I guess I shouldn't say that yet incase it runs away from me!). Anyways, here we go!

You may remember, if you read the epic new year's recap, that I met a girl ("Miranda") who caught my interest and I had said I was definitely going to ask her out. Well, I did infact follow through on that, and I think I did a pretty good job of being cool about it. I was going to post the email here, making necessary revisions for privacy, but then I realized, since a friend pointed it out that this blog isn't private, that Miranda could theoretically find this, and I'm not sure if I want that to happen. I say that only because there's stuff in this blog that I don't mind my friends knowing, but someone I just met and barely know... I wouldn't have any problem talking about it in person with her, but if she read it on here in this context...

Anyways, so I sent the email, and she was nice in her reply, but the answer was more or less no to the date but wouldn't mind seeing you at another games night sometime. So that's not so bad.

Going out on new years eve really seems to have ignited something in me. It has lit a fire that is driving me to push myself forward and be more fearless. I'm getting alot better at asking girls out without crippling fear (and am almost to the point where I've figured out how to casually slip it in when other people are around so it's not so brutally obvious-especially if she declines). I'm getting more comfortable with myself and understanding the structure and flow of the kinds of situations I am beginning to find myself in and how to conduct myself accordingly.

Just last night at a birthday party, there were a couple there who I've met before, and I really felt like I didn't make a great impression the last time (when I was brought as a guest by a friend to a get together at their place). These are people who I wanted to like me, and I was too anxious at the time. This time around, after new years and all the thinking I've been doing, I've got new perspective, I've calmed down, I've tried to think more from the other person's perspective and display myself in a manner I think would be satisfactory to them. That's not to say I'm changing who I am to fit in, it's more that I'm trying to avoid alot of negative social compulsions/behaviours that I've identified push people away from me, and since my goal is to be more enjoyable to be around, so people will WANT to be around me, clearly I need to make efforts on that front.

The great news was that I know I did a good job last night because this couple seemed much more receptive to me, and at the end of the night, I was invited to a together at their place again. Not only that, but I really connected and bonded with the female of the couple. So now I just have to make sure to keep myself in check this weekend and now screw it up!

The Colony - A lesson in what really matters - Community.

2011-01-01T18:56:00.000-08:00

With all the intro and retrospect I've been engaging in, and the fact that I already felt like I am kind of divided from alot of other people in the way I feel most people have their priorities out of whack, their sense of what really matters is skewed, I've really been feeling like I want to change, I want to get away, I want to be part of something that really matters, WITH people who matter.

The Colony is a TV show that is an experiment, a post end-of-the-world simulation. They take a bunch of strangers (about 10) from different walks of life and they put them together in a dire, desperate situation and leave them to work together to hopefully "rebuild" society, survive and thrive. You may be thinking it sounds similar to Survivor, and yes it's loosely related, but this show has no reality TV fluff, there's no product placement, there's none of the crap that I normally hate about network television. It's a very serious, intelligent, well produced show. It's incredibly realistic and quite sobering.

The first season was really good, but my main complaint was that the people they chose to be involved were all highly skilled/educated (we're talking literally rocket scientists, doctors, engineers, mechanics, contractors), so they were easily able to build alot of fancy stuff to help them survive and were basically able to fix or jerry-rig anything they needed. It was a little unrealistic as the circumstances were too ideal.

The second season remedied that problem by having much more average people, who are still intelligent and skilled, but the things they build or jerry-rig are much less elaborate or complex. This is more what you would imagine it would really be like in the type of situation they are put in.

Here's Season 2, episode 1, part 1 on youtube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yhF4IBnJUas

I highly recommend you check it out, if you have any interest in any of what I have described. Like I said, it's a really well done show, it takes the subject matter very seriously and I honestly feel almost like I'm a part of the group while I watch it. It doesn't feel like a TV show, it feels like something real that actually makes me think 'what would I do in this situation?'.

Part of me really wants to try something like what this show does, like try to become a participant. I really like how it brings all these random people together and you see how when you are removed from what you know to be normal and accepted, and put in a different situation, your values and priorities change. These people become a family, a functional new unit. They work together, they help each other, it's really a simple, but surprisingly different way to look at things. I often get frustrated and discouraged by the society I live in, where your credentials, your job, your clothes... make you who you are and give you value. It really makes me feel like I'm wasting alot of time and effort on trying to become a proficient accountant or whatever, because watching this show makes me realize that that doesn't matter at all. What matters is people, relationships, community. Working together, building something complete and sustainable. In that world, my job wouldn't matter, only what skills and attitude I bring to the table. What I can contribute and how I can help and support those around me. I try to keep reminding myself of that, and anything that makes me feel I'm forgetting that I try to avoid.

I feel like I don't really have a community right now, I feel disconnected. And I know that's partly my own fault, and it's something I'm going to see what I can do to fix.

And this post will serve as my reminder that this is yet another goal for 2011.

Epiphanies during evening walks...

2011-01-01T16:53:00.000-08:00

"Something occurred to me" is one of my favourite phrases. Usually because it means I figured something out, or put something in perspective, or learned something about myself. But basically, it usually means I've found an answer, and I feel smarter.

My epiphany was that I realized, after writing that big long new years recap, and then writing an email response to a friend, I spent alot of time thinking about how I am, how the last year has been, and how I want to be and my plans for change in the new year. I mentioned to my friend how I have always been teased by people for being too uptight. And I won't deny that many times, the criticism was deserved. And it eventually bothered me enough that I did start trying to change, and I know I've gotten better. Alot better. The problem? Well, I moved to a different city 2 years ago, and left behind pretty much everyone who had known me and knew what I was like. In my new territory, I met new people, made new friends, and guess what, even the new improved, less uptight me was still coming across as too uptight to people, and again I was teased about it. I would say "if only you had known me 2 years ago!". But they didn't, and so that statement was kind of pointless. But that was my way of saying "jeeze, you don't realize how much effort I've already put into loosening up, and how far I've come, and now you make me feel like it was for nothing". It really bothered me, but I eventually just accepted that yes, I'm uptight, and I don't want to be. And so it has been something I'm constantly working on. It's a matter of breaking old habits and patterns of thinking, and about taking chances and breaking new ground for myself. And I do feel like I'm constantly improving, little by little.

But this made me realize that in my new years recap, I mentioned some goals, and I didn't mention some, but in my email to my friend I touched on some things that I want to change. And it occurred to me, that because of the way I am, where I tend to resist change in a big way and then finally I can't hold my breath anymore and I let out a huge exhale of stress and give in, and then once I start inhaling again, basically it's the new me that I'm inhaling and exhaling the old me, to use a metaphor. But the problem with this is that when I accept change, or even initiate it, I tend to bite off more than I can chew. I just take the whole thing in one chunk and start to clumsily, awkwardly try and process it and digest it. What essentially happens is I dive into this new pool before I've actually learned how to swim in it's turbulent waters. And then for a period I frantically doggy paddle, until I adjust and then it seems normal.

But basically it occurred to me that some of the changes I intend to make in my life, if I try and ease into them, they either won't happen, or they'll take a long time to take effect. It's like they say, it's better to quit smoking cold turkey than to slowly ween yourself off, because there may be a dozen "last cigarette"s. Some people can do cold turkey, some people can't. For me, it's a necessity. As I said, I resist for as long as I can and then finally I just say "FUCK IT" and rip off the band aid. And I deal. For once though, I actually realized BEFORE I dove in, that I'm about to get in over my head again, and I know it.

I feel this strange sense of awareness about it, kind of like me and my conscience are having one of those conversations:
conscience: "so you really want to do this now eh?"
me: "yeah. it's about time."
conscience: "just want to make sure you're clear, cause you we aren't going back"
me: "yeah. it's going to suck but not forever"
conscience: "alright, well then buckle your seatbelt, it's about to get really bumpy"

In my favour, I have the fortunate fact that when I get really overwhelmed, for a short time I can kind of shut off my panic sensor, and I can cruise through some crazy stuff, fully aware of the insanity around me, but I can keep my head on straight just long enough to get through short periods of "OMG THE SKY IS FALLING". I'm one of those people who can usually stay pretty calm in a fucked up situation (out of necessity), but then afterwards I break down into a babbling mess.

The main reason I brought this up is because I keep thinking about some of the social situations I intend to not only put myself in, in the near future, but also that I intend to get comfortable in, or at least understand them in a certain way. I'm intending to put myself into sink or swim situations and just see if I am able to figure out on the fly how to act and react in a situation I'm not used to. It scared the crap out of me, but this is a weaknesses. I'm crippled by the fear of uncertainty. I want to change this. I has occurred to me that I possess some skills and traits that only seem to come out in certain situations, and I want to try and teach myself to tap into them more on command. I've been a slave to certain fears for years and I could have a significantly different, and probably more prosperous life, if can shed some of this old dead skin that's weighing me down.

New Years! The Epic Recap!

2011-01-01T10:16:00.000-08:00

So I've been meaning to do posts about a few things lately, but have needed to wait until certain times, or moods or headspaces to write about them. Right now I'm in probably the best mood I've been in, in a while. I went out for new years eve last night, which was actually a decision that was essentially forced due to something beyond my control, and it turned out I was glad I was forced to do so because it turned out to be a great night.

Allow me to chronicle the events of the week.

I didn't work 4 of the 5 days this week, which if you know me, you'll know that does not please me. I can't remember if I've done a post about my problems with needing to feel productive in some way, but basically I like to keep comfortably busy, preferably doing things that amount to something, ie not just watching tv or playing video games all day. So anyways, I've had alot of downtime this month and this week was pretty much the last slow one, but even so it was a challenge to get through. It wasn't until Thursday that I actually kind of had myself running around all over the place and taking care of things. This happened to include a coffee and catch up with my ex, who I have not seen or really talked to in 3 months. It was nice, but despite thinking I was over her, I was infact not. We didn't end on bad terms, we ended because she had almost no time to see me and to complicate things got very sick and then basically stopped seeing anyone at all for a month, the break up was more because I missed her so much and it was tearing me apart to not be able to see her and there was nothing I could do and it could have been at least a month if not more before I would see her again, it just wasn't something I could take so I had to let go. Unfortunately, this made it harder for me because since we didn't end on bad terms really, I still feel like if she just wasn't so damn busy, we were a pretty good fit. Infact I think she's been the best fit for me that I've ever experienced, but the circumstances just kill it. I also found out that she is, inexplicably dating someone new, apparently she found someone else who is equally busy, so they just get together when they can (which is what we had been doing, I just got screwed when she got sick because it caused a prolonged period of absence that bested my patience). This hurt because it made me feel like if I could have waited a little longer I might still be with her, but at the same time, she's been working 3 jobs for about 2 months now, and was/will be taking a night school class on top of it. So the bottom line is that even if we WERE still together, I'd barely see her, and that just doesn't work for me. She may be exactly the kind of person I want to be with, but that doesn't really matter if I can never be with her. I didn't want to admit that to myself, but I have no choice. So in that case, good for her and her new partner, and that they can make the best of the circumstances.

So after my coffee date with her, I came home, and basically had a shitty night. I was disappointed, upset... basically I felt like we had just broken up AGAIN. I'd been holding out a faint, but desperate hope that I could present the idea to her that if and when she was not as busy, we could maybe try again... but it was clear to me, not only because she's not single anymore, but because she is still ridiculously busy, and I know that even as just friends (which now that I've come to peace with it, I'm glad I still have that much), I'm not going to see alot of her. It sucks because I really enjoy her company but I'm definitely not getting more of it now than I did when we were supposed to be a couple. But anyways, after the date, I went through the 5 stages, finally (mostly) accepting, even if begrudgingly, the state of things, and deciding I had no choice but to move on, like it or not.

To cap the suckiness of the day off, I tried to go to bed early for work the next day, but the idiot tennants that live in the basement below me decided just after 10pm when I had laid down and gotten comfortable, that they were going to listen to some music. Sometimes I can ignore it, sometimes I can't but luckily it also doesn't last long sometimes. Well, they decided to be extra obnoxious that night, not only did they play music, just loud enough to be distracting as I tried to fall asleep, but they took a couple of breaks, which resulted in me actually nearly falling asleep, and then being roused back to full consciousness by the music resuming suddenly. They didn't knock it off until 11:40, or at least that's when I guess I finally fell asleep for good. You might ask, "why didn't you go ask them to turn it down/off?". Well, here's the thing. When I lay down and get comfortable, I'm kinda like 1/3 the way to being asleep. If I am also actually *tired* when I lay down, I usually fall asleep pretty fast. But it's not uncommon for me to be laying in bed and be kind of on the verge of sleep, and just waiting for my brain to wind down and go into sleep mode. The only times I will generally get up at this point are if I suddenly feel like I have to barf, if my bladder/bowel suddenly needs emptying, or if I remember something suddenly that is so crucially important that if I don't get up to write it down/take care of it, it will be bad news. Getting up essentially returns me to a much more awake/alert state, and it's very hard to calm my brain down again, because I have a naturally very over-active brain, it doesn't usually want to sleep at all, it just wants to plan budgets and solve problems all the time. So the gamble with the downstairs neighbours, is that if I get up to tell them to turn the music down, there's a very high likelihood that doing so will wake me up completely, and make it so it takes me at least another hour if not more, to fall back asleep, whereas if I just suffer through it, *usually* it doesn't last more than30-45 mins and then either it stops or I fall asleep anyways. It just always seems to happen that they turn on the music just after I've laid down. As if they are watching me and as soon as I do they go OK MUSIC TIME! I also refuse to sleep with earplugs because I don't want to risk sleeping in and being late for work. I am probably clinically OCD about being on time. And I take work or time commitments very seriously. So it really frustrates me that these two idiots in the basement apparently have nothing better to do at 10 or 11pm than listen to thumping classic rock and talk loudly/laugh/yell/cheer like idiots. Oh, and sometimes my roommate is a pain too. Sometimes *he* is the one who will come home just after I've laid down in bed and slam the front door and be singing and going into the bathroom/kitchen and making all kinds of noise, or he'll have friends come over or people to record with him. Same issue, getting up to talk to him, while it would be far less inconvenient than the dudes in the basement, would still wake me up and most of the time it's actually easier to just suffer through the noise as I will inevitably fall asleep sooner anyway. Believe me, moving to a more ideal apartment situation is a plan of mine for this year.

So anyways, I wake up on Friday morning, from 6 hours of "real" sleep. I don't feel too bad right away, but I know I'm going to feel it later. Friday was my one day of work for the week, luckily at my favourite client's, so I knew it would be a good day. And it was. Aside from making one small mistake that I had to take some time to correct, I got through all but 1 task that needed to be done and I just didn't have time at the end of the day to tackle it because I assumed it would take longer than I had to work on it so was best left for a time when I could properly complete it. Interestingly, this particular day at work was my first time handling money at work where I quite literally had a fist sized pile of paper bills infront of me. Store sales had been good for December as one would expect, but I actually ended up sorting and counting 179 $20 bills, for a grand total of $3580. I took a picture with my phone because it amused me so much. I put my clenched fist with a thumb up next to the stack and they were equal height off the table. I was also kinda disappointed that there weren't another 21 bills to make it an even 200 / $4000. That's a LOT of cash!

Anyways, I got off work and had a friend invite me out for new years. I didn't have a specific plan, I was actually only 50/50 on going out. But here's the thing. I knew I wouldn't be able to stay up late on account of my poor sleep the night before, and I didn't want to end up crashing really early as I expected I would (probably 8 or 9), and I knew, if the basement neighbours have no problems playing loud party music on a weeknight (sometimes even tuesdays and wednesdays, WTF), then they damn sure weren't going to be shy about it on new years eve. Not to mention my roommate most of the time goes out or does something for these occasions (halloween, nuit blanche, etc). So I knew if I stayed home, and went to bed when I was tired there was a very good chance that not only would I be woken up halfway through the night by that bullshit (possibly even multiple times), but I'd most likely end up waking up early today, tired, grumpy and not in the right mood to be productive or have a good day at all. So I kind of knew that for my own good for the weekend, I kind of had to bite the bullet and go out. I had a nap from 6:30-7:40 to try and pre-recharge myself, but I knew that probably still wouldn't be enough. I decided, if I am going out, under the circumstances, then I need to be able to stay awake until at least 2am. That was the goal. Because my roommate is often up that later as a regular thing so I figured it was safe that if I came home sometime after 2am, that I wouldn't have to worry too much about noise.

So, what was my plan to endure when I had lost sleep the night before and am not normally one for staying up late anyway? How was I going to do it? Well, I can tell you that eating lots of sugar won't do it. That will just make me sick and the crash will be swift and brutal. I can't do caffeine because it almost always gives me a migraine, if not also a stomach ache. Not to mention I have never liked coffee. So there was only 1 choice left. A choice that was admittedly a last resort, something I would only make rare exception for, but I saw no other alternative. I went to the store to get an energy drink. And while I was IN the store (this should probably tell you something about me and just how much I overthink things, and how cautious I am of putting strange things/chemicals in my body), I whipped out my phone and googled "how long does a red bull last?". The answer came "4-6 hours". I assumed that like with alcohol (which I also ony make rare exceptions for, I've never been drunk in my life, only buzzed once. Yes, for real), it would also matter how much water you drank with it and if you had eaten absorbant foods around the time of consumption. I also did see a tip/warning about making sure to drink water with it to avoid hangover like symptoms of the caffeine crash. Before I even left the store I was thinking "okay, it's 8:30 now, I don't want to be awake for 6 more hours, and I don't really know how to gauge just how much of an effect this will have on me because I have only ever drank energy drinks twice before and I don't really remember the results, but I think it's safe to assume that if I only drink HALF, that I will be looking at 2-3 hours of effectiveness, which puts me around midnight for the tail end, so if it wears off early, no big deal, but if it wears off late, well then I'll probably just hit my 2am mark OK". It seemed like a solid plan. I purchased it and went home, where I decided to drink an entire glass of water first (I have problems with migraines as it is so I decided to try and avoid any possiblity of having a problem due to dehydration later), then have my half of a red bull while also eating/munching before going out. I'd eaten a fair bit before my 6:30 nap, a hamburger, a sandwich, an apple, some other stuff, and now I was eating more, because I knew the place I was going didn't really serve "food". It's a cafe, so they serve cookies, pies, cupcakes, that kinda stuff. Nothing substantial. I knew if anything I was going to end up craving something like chicken wings or a hamburger later, and I wanted to try and pre-eat as much as I could to avoid getting hungry later. I even mixed up what I was eating, crackers with peanut butter, cucumber slices, some marble cheese, raspberries. So between my pre-nap dinner and my post nap snack, I figured I should be in good shape hunger wise. It was hard to gauge exactly where the halfway point of the red bull was because it doesn't come in a clear container, so I did the 'weight test' where I held the can up and judged based on how heavy it felt, where the level of liquid was. I think I actually ended up drinking a little more than half, maybe 55% of it in the end, and I actually had to stop because the taste started to get to me. That another big reason why I've avoided alcohol, energy drinks, pot... either the smell or the taste really irks me. I seem to have very sensitive taste buds. My nose is less sensitive than average it seems, but still sensitive enough. Anyways, I admit it wasn't long before I could feel the red bull taking effect. It literally felt like my brain went from having been awake and functioning for 14 hours at that point, on less than complete sleep, to feeling like I had just woken up from a solid 10 hour snooze. I was actually both disturbed and relieved. Disturbed at just how fast and effective the tonic was, but relieved that I no longer had any fear of not being able to make my 2am goal.

I headed off to Snakes and Lattes, the board game cafe, at 9:30 and arrived at 10. The place was bustling, and lively. I was directed to the back to jump in with some people who had room for an extra player. And that is where I spent my entire night. And I think, without getting too "it was meant to be" about it, since I really don't fully believe that kind of thing (I just say it to highlight the point) I ended up sitting across from a couple of females, one of whom was very attractive, let's call her "Miranda". She was downright hot in my opinion, and was able to make me pretty handily stop caring about my ex and feeling sorry for myself. As they say, the best way to get over someone, is to get under someone, well I didn't get under her, but I did get behind the idea of her, as a focal point, rather than wasting any more time thinking about my ex. I spent a good portion of the night focusing on her and soaking her in. I needed it. I wasn't creepy about it, but the fact that she didn't seem repulsed or turned off or disinterested in me, really helped to boost my mood, and my ego a little bit. And since I'm terrible at flirting and trying to be suave, I was granted mercy when at midnight, a group picture was taken, once with a camera and then once with my blackberry, and she said to me "hey, I'll give you my email address, can you send me a copy of that picture?" and I thought to myself "you're offering to give me your email address so I don't have to ASK for contact info? You're damn right!" and said "sure".

The group started with a game of munchkin, which is a game I loved when I first learned it but have kind of gotten bored of and find most of the time isn't that great, but everyone once in a while, it can be epic. In this case, it was. It was a really good game. And we followed it up with Apples to Apples, which is another game that I enjoy, but find sometimes it can be kinda underwhelming, and other times it can be fantastic. The downside was that Miranda was there with 2 friends, and the other 3 players were an engaged couple and their friend/roommate. So I was the odd man out in a game that can be significantly different if the people playing know each other well. But nevertheless, this night just seemed destined for greatness, and the game was great. I even got to get a bit of an idea of Miranda's personality through the course of it, and the good news is, for someone as picky as me, and how easily I can lose interest in something/someone, I was remaining interested and thinking "I definitely need to approach Miranda, at least try and get a coffee date if nothing else". I have really amazed myself at how in the last I guess 6 months, I've gotten a fair bit more confident about approaching girls, and asking them out in such a way that I don't feel like a total knob and that I think they might actually seriously consider agreeing. Despite alot of unfortunate circumstances with my ex, she showed me that dating can infact be fun, even though I still don't really enjoy the process for all it's uncertainty (admittedly I'm awful for second guessing myself and being unnecessarily paranoid), I can kind of see it's a matter of how you look at it. Of course this is much easier to say in the great mood I'm in, had you asked me anytime before 10pm yesterday, I'd have been much less chipper. I'm even trying not to overthink it now, as I am prone to do.

Anyways, as I said, as Miranda's personality was revealed bit by bit, I found myself thinking "okay, so she's hot, she's got a good sense of humour, the only question remaining is, her intellect". Basically, I value intelligence to a very high degree. I won't be spending alot of time with someone if they don't engage me much on a mental level. But on the flipside, I've found in many cases that most "normal" people really like to have fun, and the amount of fun those normal people like to have is the amount of mental stimulation I like to have. So alot of people aren't overly interested in always having deep discussions, well I don' t see the point in always just goofing around, drinking, laughing... I mean I get it, I understand the appeal, I get why so many people engage in this behaviour, but I also recognize my own need to do and talk about things that seem important. I want to connect with people, I don't want to just have a drinking buddy where I see him/her every week but don't really know anything about the person or what any of their opinions, ideas or beliefs are. Those are the things I'm interested in and care about primarily. So to get back to my original point, Miranda is hot, and fun to be around, but I guess I think if I'm too cerebral for her, or she's not cerebral enough for me, then it won't matter. I'll kill her buzz and she'll bore me. But this is all just speculation, I am really trying not to spend so much time projecting onto other people how I think they'll act or react.

Oh yeah, I meant to mention that the red bull was certainly pulling it's weight. I have spent enough nights out at games nights where I literally feel the gears in my brain slowly grinding to a halt leading to tiredness, that I am well aware of the feeling of your batteries running out before you want them to. My brain was 100% alert and focused all night, and this kind of led me back to part of why I avoid "foreign substances" that alter your mental state. I actually kind of liked the feeling. The downside was that despite my brain being totally on point, and despite all that I'd eaten earlier, I could feel my body wanting to call it a day. I was sweating, I was shaking a little bit at one point (I think just my hands), I was hungry and I did feel a bit antsy. I also thought at one point that my heart rate had jumped but I put my hand on my chest and my heartbeat felt normal so I guess I was imagining things. But yes, it occurred to me that if I became a more regular consumer of energy drinks, I could be even more useful and productive than I already am, or could probably enjoy some social outings more. As once my brain starts to lose interest and gets tired, I really just shut down and become anti-social and impatient and have a reduced ability to act and respond tactfully. Ie if someone says 'hey let's do x', instead of saying 'oh no, thanks' I'd be more like 'nah, I don't want to', but would say it in kind of an arrogant way. The effects of tiredness on my behaviour are not enjoyed by me that's for sure! So I did like that the energy drink kind of kept me in the mental state I prefer to be in, and I think my behaviour and social presence benefitted from that for sure, but I am also very against the idea of altering your state to be someone/something you are not. Ie getting high so you can write spacey psychadelic music, getting drunk so you can be less shy or drinking energy drinks so you aren't a slave to sleep or your circadian rhythm. For once night it was worth it to go against my principles, but it also gives me food for thought. Infact, even as I type this now, 13 hours since midnight, my brain still feels kinda wired. I went to bed at 4am and woke up at 10am, feeling still like I was fully charged and well rested despite "overclocking" my body and brain.

Finally, we played one more game, a game called "what's yours like" that isn't specifically as dirty as it sounds, but can be depending on the clues that people give, like if the item in question was a kitchen floor (that is one of them from the game), you could say "mine is sticky". There are tons of things that could be sticky, so that clue alone isn't enough to figure out the thing, but as you gather clues from people, like "mine is tiled", "mine has a table on it", etc, you start to get an idea of what it might be. It's a great party game and there's almost certain to be laughs. Plus there are often some really cleverly vague clues that everyone who knows the thing can enjoy, but the person guessing will be incredibly perplexed/frustrated by. I was actually the one who chose this game, and I was happy that it worked out the way it did. I'm glad I didn't pick a game that people didn't really like. And Miranda certainly seemed to enjoy it. I was also particularly proud of my clue to the last category, "physical coordination", to which I said "mine is there when it really counts!". It got an approving laugh from everyone, including Miranda. Yes, I'm a dork when I flirt. I already told you, I am not suave. I can only pull off dorky and in the case of my ex, "that's cute" (said honestly, not patronizingly).

1:30 am rolled around and we finished what's yours like, I was about to duck out to grab some "real" food (I was totally craving a KFC chicken burger, not realizing they closed quite early that night), and to my surprise Miranda actually said "oh, you're heading out?". I said "no I was just going to go grab some food somewhere and come back", to which she replied "oh, I probably won't be here when you get back, so I should say goodbye. It was nice meeting you!". I don't want to read too much into this, as she may have just been being really polite/friendly. I want to believe she had some interest in me, however vague, and I guess I will find out when I email her the picture and propose a date. Miranda and her female friend (the male friend had departed shortly before this point) ended up leaving now, and there were still 4 of us but I knew I wanted to go and get some food and it was close enough to 2am that I was ready to call it a night anyways. I'd made my goal, I'd had a really good night, found myself a new (if temporary) muse in Miranda, and had to admit that despite originally not really wanting to go out, and having circumstances essentially force me to go out AND to break a personal rule in taking a "foreign substance", the night really turned out great and I'm really glad I had the experience that I did. I went and got some food and then came home.

I arrived home at 2:50 am I think it was, and my brain was STILL wired. I still didn't feel even remotely tired. Infact I was just hungry. But I also didn't want to go and eat a crapload of stuff and then go to bed, so I tried to take it easy. I ended up watching a couple tv shows on my computer before my eyes started to get heavy. And guess what happened at 3:30am just before I went to bed officially? MUSIC. I'd heard some around 8:30/9 before going out, but not as much as I'd expected, and I hadn't heard ANY in the time I'd been home (40 mins or so), but suddenly, music! Fortunately I think they only listened to one song and then stopped, but it didn't matter. At that point I was ready to lay down. I was expecting to sleep for like 10 or 12 hours, provided I wasn't woken by my roommate (who I don't think even came home last night nor is home now, but maybe I'm wrong EDIT-I can't help but laugh, the MOMENT after I had completed the post and gone to click "post", my roommate's bedroom door opened and he went walking down the hall. I don't know if he was sleeping or what, but he's here. It's 1:20pm now), or something else. Was surprised to wake up at 9:45, but slept till 10:30. It's now 1pm and I've been working on this entry for probably 90 mins. But I'm actually quite pleased with it. It encapsulates everything I wanted to say (even if I didn't say as much about the history with the ex that I intended to do a full post on, but at this point I do want to move on so I guess that's not necessarily a BAD thing) and is a mostly positive post. I'm also quite pleased with my storytelling ability. Some of my other recent posts have been fairly unstructured and zig-zaggy, even if still ultimately making the point or conveying the idea, but this one is really cohesive and solid. It feels like it came together just as nicely as last night did!

I was also going to do a post about looking back on the past year and looking forward (mostly inspired by a similar post by a friend on his blog), but I think I will just focus on the going forward part. My optimism for forward progress has been restored from last night. My main goals this year are to stabilize my work situation, and I know what needs to be done it's just a matter of some patience and some extra effort on my part to really work on improving and cultivating skills in my arsenal that are insufficient as they stand, and aspects of my personality that have been getting in the way. It won't be easy but it's for the best. Every week I am gaining a bit more experience and confidence and I know ultimately things will be fine even if they are uncertain/shaky now. I'm also going back to school in a week, which I'm really excited about because it will improve my employability, will increase my knowledge base, keep my busy and productive. I'm also taking 3 classes instead of just 1, which will get my certificate done faster, I'm optimistic that I can complete it this year. I would like to study finance once I finish my accounting studies so that's a future consideration. Another goal of mine ontop of making necessary changes to improve my career, I want to make changes to my social life and how I treat it/approach it. This has been bothering me since 2009 but I was kind of living in denial and not willing to really address it until now. It's something I need to do and need to see if I can infact actually see through to a desired outcome. I actually started early, as one of my plans was to cut down my facebook use, significantly, if not entirely. I started unofficially this tuesday past, where I just stopped really looking at it, then I actually closed the tab in my browser, and only opened the site again to check a couple of things. It's closed again now. Even before that, I had started making efforts not to post as many statuses, to really try to just ask myself "is this important? does it need to be said/heard?". The answer was usually no, so I didn't post. So facebook is being weened out of my system, and it feels good! Just like last night did! But one of my big goals which will be challenging for me, is to keep in better and more regular contact with my good friends. I've always been someone to basically just wait to be invited to stuff, but I want that to change. I have a more specific goal but I'm not going to go into it for now. Rest assured, I have identified some key aspects of myself and the way I handle certain things that I want to change and so I'm going to start trying. I can have the life I want, I just won't get it by sitting around waiting for it to come to me.

And on the romantic front, well hey maybe "Miranda" won't turn out to be "the one", but if she isn't that's not the end of the story anyways.

Alright, now that this gargantuan post is done, I have an email to finish replying to! Another hour or so of typing! Heh.

Creativity that isn't artisti"c"

2010-12-30T10:13:00.000-08:00

I've made the argument many times, moreso when I was younger and it was my main grievance with society, that pop music is simple, easy, anyone could write a catchy pop song and have a hit (provided it could get the necessary circulation).

I had the challenge thrown at me "well then, if it's so easy and anyone can do it, why don't YOU do it Adam?". And to be honest, only one time did I actually say anything to the effect of 'challenge accepted'. The issue wasn't that I thought I was wrong, but more that it would have felt like such a self betrayal to prove myself right. I had spent years fighting for musical integrity, so if I turned around and wrote a legitimately catchy pop song, that everyone agreed was really good and could be on the radio, well then I'm a giant hypocrite. Right? Plus, it presents me no challenge or room to grow as an artist. It's like saying to a sculptor, "make me a small, simple replica of a famous landmark". Everyone would recognize it and agree that it was good work, but that sculptor would much rather make something bigger, original and unique.

But this is just setting the stage for my actual point. I've been thinking lately, as I've been in a much less creative/artistically inspired mood than usual, and this thought comes mostly from being told by a few people over time that I'm "so creative", and that I had a semi-argument with a friend over being left brained vs right brained. Left brained people are more artistic and creative, right brained people are more logical and methodical. I think I'm definitely more right brained, but have still spent more of my life creating things, imagining things, producing things, writing, drawing, composing, designing, even occasionally constructing things, that my left brain clearly isn't being shut out of the control room. I'm obviously creative, but creativity doesn't necessarily equal being artistic. It's just more closely associated with creativity than someone who's much better at looking at a sheet of numbers and technical data and deriving meaningful conclusions and solutions from that.

But as I thought about it, I think I can identify the bridge between the two. Creativity I think is the ability to look at a situation or take whatever materials/resources you've got at your disposal, and figuring out a way to accomplish your goal with that. Or to simply, creativity is being able to MacGuyver your result. Artists I think are alot better at taking ideas from inside their head (whether those ideas originated from something they saw, heard, read, or otherwise experienced) and putting them together into something new that communicates an idea. I think I see artists more as people who use creativity to communicate, and... it occurs to me I don't really have a good label for the opposite end of the spectrum... let's just go with business people, as they are generally seen as the antithesis of artists, anyways, business people use creativity more to get something done, to create a tangible, fixed result. A mechanic may use creativity in using some parts that weren't meant exactly for the purpose they got used for, but hey, the engine is running again, so it doesn't really matter.

My original point was going to be that I think since I am more right brained, even though I compose music, design graphics, write various pieces of text (whether you want to call it literature or not), I think my approach is more the mechanical creativity, in that I learn the system, the parts that make up the system, the different ways they can be combined to create different results. So rather than play my guitar and just listen to the notes and decide which ones sound best (as some musicians do), I rely much more on my theoretical knowledge of scales, chords and intervals. For me, creating music is more like creating my own puzzle from scratch, ie there are no set pieces already in place to be connected together, it's more like lego perhaps, in that most of the pieces are the same or very similar, they just connect differently.

I also wanted to say, to illustrate my point further, that creativity is the difference between someone building a piece of furniture with instructions and without. Or you can look at a pile of wood (in different shapes and sizes and with different angles on some of them) and screws and you can either just make a really simple square object out of them, or if you're creative, you can play with the angles and maybe make a gazebo or something. But something that seems totally mechanical doesn't have to be. An artist would look at that pile of wood and probably see the gazebo or a jungle gym or something, a carpenter or engineer or mechanic would probably see something much more practical or functional. It's not necessarily less creative, it's just how you see things. I'm often one to do whatever my first idea dictates, but it's not often that my first idea is the best.

I realize that despite being in a more logical, methodical line of work (accounting), creativity does come into play. I'm actually almost surprised at just how important creativity is in the business world. Despite how many standard practices and operating procedures and guidelines are in place in many cases, there's still often going to be problems that pop up that need a creative mind to effectively resolve.

It's kind of funny because the reason I got out of design and music was because I hated being told HOW to be creative. You're told what to create, how big it should be, what colours and font faces you can use and just about every other parameter that matters. In music, it was similar, you have to play certain chords, certain scales, a certain tempo, certain time signatures... Everything was already decided before you even show up for work. In the business world I EXPECTED this, I even looked forward to it because at least it meant that outside of work I was totally free to be as creative and non-conformist as I wanted. I had to follow rules and be told what to do at work, but that's fine, that's the industry, and I'm good at following orders anyways, so long as there isn't an expectation that my work hinges on creative output. I love accounting because there's little creative thinking required. Usually it's just "how should this expense be categorized?" or "what account should this go into?". At the end of the day, the numbers are all absolute, and I can come home and be as random as I want to. Although I'm finding that being more methodical at work is leading me to want to be more methodical at home, because it's hard to switch your thinking back and forth. I'm learning to be more creative in the ways that business requires, but I feel a bit like I'm sacrificing the more abstract, artistic creativity I've always had as a result.

In the last couple of months, in the times where I have actually worked on a musical idea, it has been less unique than I expect of myself, and part of me kind of doesn't really care anymore, as I don't take music as seriously as I used to, but part of me does care because I think music is something I will have some involvement with for my whole life and the idea that my best is officially behind me is sad. I mean, I still have some ground to cover in that I think when I am able to actually learn to play the drums and piano properly, and when I am perhaps finally able to do more singing, maybe that will take me to some new places to explore and create some new pieces of music that I consider original and interesting. Only time will tell.

"If things were different..."

2010-12-28T18:43:00.000-08:00

Have you ever caught yourself saying this? or thinking it? Probably.

There are things in everyone's life and universe that we wish were different. It's pretty standard fare. So why would I choose to focus on something like that? Well because I have something to say, so if you're not interested, well I guess you can just scroll past this post.

Let me clarify first though, this isn't going to have anything to do with dating. This is going to be kind of a dual purpose post though.

You see, lately I have once again been back on the hunt for jobs. Some days I am motivated, enthusiastic, I feel like "the shit" and like there's no way I can't talk my way into the job I want. Then there are other days where I can't get any momentum or traction, and circumstances just seem to be collectively giving me a finger in the eye.

I find myself thinking, as I watch the TV show "The Colony" where they put a bunch of everyday strangers together in a post-end-of-the-world scenario and test them on their survival instincts, skills, teamwork, trust and negotiating abilities, that you see these people, and it's pretty clear where some of their strengths lie, and yet, like when I used to watch Survivor, you'll see people trying to take on roles that they don't fit (sometimes just because they are the most qualified of those present, even if they really aren't qualified at all), or people taking on leadership roles who don't have the ability to see other people's strengths, or manage people's skills and resources properly. You'll see someone who just likes to have control and be in control start bossing people around, even if those other people know exactly what they're doing and can do it just fine without someone bearing down on them. I see this dynamic and it makes me think about my situation. I know my strengths, and I've become painfully aware of my weaknesses. The unfortunate part is that, when it comes to the working world, I have 50% of the skills I need in more than sufficient capacity, but then the other 50% are drastically insufficient and underdeveloped. It also occurred to me the other day, that I do infact possess a "killer instinct", an ability to kind of turn into the Hulk as it were, be dominant, be assertive, be confident, be a leader and take charge, it's just not something I am comfortable doing for an extended period of time, and usually when I change into that more dominant person, I become someone that I don't really like, and that the people I end up leading often don't like. The people who DO like who I change into? the people above me. Whenever my past bosses or teachers or whatever authority figures have seen me morph in situation, flick the green switch, they've been impressed and wondered why I couldn't be like that more often.

Just yesterday, while spending some time with certain members of my family who I actually get along quite well with, we were talking about another similar concept, the concept of being a good sales person without lying. Sometimes this involves "truth by omission" or only giving someone the bare minimum amount of information they need to be satisfied, even if you have other information that would change their mind. We were talking about things like raising a complain in a store to get a free item or discount, or complaining that a product you bought was not up to your standards, so you contact the manufacturer to report this and they'll send you free samples or whatever. Now to me, this is technically dishonest. Picking out a loaf of bread that got kinda smooshed, or maybe there's a hole in the bag, even though it's clearly still quite fresh, and taking this to the checkout and asking for a discount because of that? I guess I just consider that a really unproductive use of my time. That and I don't like to make a scene. At all.

Anyways, back to my other example, I realize that if I could tap into the inner hulk at will, and could possibly control it better, and not feel so alien when I do, I know I could be alot more successful at work. I know I am a strong speaker, an eloquent and intelligent communicator and a thoughtful mind. If I have all the facts and am familiar with the material or concept, I can give great presentations. But when it comes to giving orders, making big decisions or negotiating, those all just seem inherently negative in my head. Giving orders is associated with bossing people around. Making big decisions is associated with deciding people's fate or deciding things that will negatively affect them or that they won't like, and negotiating, well that one's kind of a toss up because I've been in negotiations where I know I have the power and there's no way I'm getting less than I deserve, but far more times, I've been all too happy to take whatever I'm offered for fear that a refusal would result in me getting nothing at all.

I'm currently trying to get more aggressive about getting more school credits under my belt. I went from a decision to only take 1 class this coming semester, to 3, one of which is only a 3 week class and something that will definitely add to my employability. I know I have the computer skills, and the mental/organizational skills to do the actual work, but I don't yet have full confidence because I've been made abundantly aware that one crucial aspect of my employability is out the window and getting it up to snuff is going to take time.

Again getting back to my original point, in light of this scenario, where I know my skills, I just am in a situation where they aren't quite the perfect match. I wonder, if I got plunked in a different situation, with different expectations, how would I fare? What would I do?

I am really curious to have a conversation with someone about this now, to see when they've found themselves in unexpected situations and how they handled it. I have the bonus that I have had alot of different jobs and have known many people both older and younger so I've gotten to hear alot of different perspectives and even now, in the latter half of my 20s, but feeling mentally more like I'm in my 30s, and talking to people my age and up to 8 years younger, right now I have a really wide scope of experiences to tap into.

I am not entirely sure why I think so much about different scenarios I could be in, I guess I've always been kind of frustrated that I've never really fit comfortably into any situation I've been in and I would like to experience someplace where I do fit nicely.

I am looking forward to about 6 months from now when I should have my schooling in check and thus have the confidence of that backing me up, but also by then I'll have more experience in the field and should have more general confidence in what I'm doing. And it can only go up from there!